The Proper Lounge

Portugal. The Man is a shitty, shitty band name.

2011-08-08T22:23:00.008-05:00

Last weekend was Lollapalooza here in Chicago and besides the overabundance of hipsters ironically wearing Sebastian Telfair jerseys, it sounded like a surprisingly good show. I say surprisingly because none of the headliners really intrigued me. Sure Eminem and Foo Fighters were probably great, but there wasn't any standouts.

To be fair, though, if I had been given a free ticket I would have loved to see some of the lesser known bands play during the day. One such band that I may have come across (though probably unlikely since I had never heard of them before this evening) could have been Portugal. The Man. And they might have sounded amazing. But man do they have a shitty band name.

The big news story (well, not "big big", but "300 word articles on the Huffington Post big") of the day, however, wasn't there performance at the annual Grant Park festival. No the story was that their van was stolen from a lot a few hundred yards from the concert grounds.

And that's really unfortunate. Apparently there were seven guitars, an electric piano, a few amps and other equipment that not only is needed for any immediate shows the band might be having, but also held sentimental value to the band members. I was never good enough at my cheap, used acoustic to ever hold sentimental value towards it, but I can dig it.

It's embarrassing for Chicago and I hope the thieves are found and prosecuted because they are total assholes. But Portugal. The Man are also assholes for putting that period in the middle of their band name. It's a very different kind of asshole, sure, but it was an asshole decision just the same. If they had named themselves Portugal the Man, it wouldn't be great, but it wouldn't be reaching for Sean Penn-levels of pretentiousness it currently is.

Now, having a shitty band name doesn't automatically preclude you from being musically talented. One of my favorite newer acts is Dale Earnhardt Jr. Jr., a name that makes me embarrassed whenever I recommend them anyone. Hell, is there anyone out there who thinks The Beatles is a good name for a band? Honestly?

But a shitty band name is a shitty band name so I made a snarky comment about it on Twitter because that's kind of what Twitter is for. Here's what I said:

Not exactly funny or insightful, but the main thing to point out is that it's not like I sent an @reply to the official Portugal. The Man Twitter account. I just made a dumbass comment.

Cue the response from somebody using their verified account:

Hmm. Okay. And I actually did feel somewhat bad because, again, it really sucks that someone would steal from anyone. And I made a comment where I said that I did feel bad. And they responded as such:

Look, I get it, being robbed sucks. But now you're just fishing for guilt-trips. Once again, I my first admittedly asshole comment wasn't sent directly to them in anyway. And when they respond in a somewhat pity-inducing way with their "yup" it was strange because that means they're just searching Twitter, looking for snarky comments about the band. But whatever, I felt bad so good for them. But then they tried to make me feel more guilty and I'm sorry, I'm just not going to.

All of that equipment is replaceable. Yeah, they might mean a lot on an emotional level, but it's not like Portugal. The Man is going to have to disband. They're signed to Atlantic Records. Now I know the music industry isn't exactly a runaway train of success these days, but I'm pretty Atlantic Records (owned by Warner Music Group) can scrounge together enough instruments to keep the band on the road.

And I know these guys aren't U2 or anything (who made like $300 million on their last tour despite being terrible since 1991), but if they just played at Lollapalooza and are signed to a pretty major label and are able to, you know, be rock stars for a living, I'm sure they are going to be okay.

I don't want to get into a whole "out-of-perspective" thing, but I fail to really see why anyone other than the specific members of the band, the authorities investigating, the label, or the assholes who actually stole the equipment should really care this band got robbed when actual real people who don't get to make music for a living get robbed every day.

It's an extremely unfortunate situation, but one that will ultimately probably work out okay. Portugal. The Man might be inconvenienced greatly by what happened, but they'll keep existing and keep playing music until they inevitably succumb to the King of Leon-level pressures of stardom and pretend like they didn't break up halfway through a tour in 2016.

But until then, we, the fans of indie rock still have to look at that damn period in the middle of their godforsaken band name. That period is the real tragedy.

*

The Secret Shame of My Youth

2011-07-02T12:31:00.005-05:00

I am getting older. It was inevitable because the passage of time is just as inevitable. But as I get older, I look back on my youth with mostly good feelings and nostalgia. I had a great childhood overall, with caring parents, thoughtful friends, a strong education, and an overall enjoyable experience. I wasn't perfect. I made mistake, like any other kid. But I was generally a good, obedient, happy kid.

But, behind that membrane of normality rested something much, much darker. I am hiding something...terrible. Whenever a memory of that much more horrible place and time would begin to surface within me (often times as I lay awake in the middle of the night), I would push it down -- push it down as deep as it would go and hope that memory would never come back. But it always did. And now, that memory is coming back in great frequency and with much more force.

The continued recollection of this dark time in my past has reached the breaking point. It is now affecting my day-to-day ability to live my life as whenever I even close my eyes, I see what I did. I can no longer hide from who I truly am and what I did because, well, I can't let myself. Eventually, if I don't come clean, the darkness will overcome and I don't know what will happen then. I don't want to find out.

So I am going to reveal my deep dark secret and I'm going to reveal it to the world. Maybe something like this would be better disclosed to a therapist or someone with similar professional standing, but I don't deserve the benefit of discretion. My crimes are what they are, and I'm ready to face the consequences of my actions.

Before I reveal my secret, though, I must point out two facts about my childhood that are important to the overall context of what I will disclose. The first is something so innocent, that it makes what came soon after seem all the more horrible. That first fact is that, as a boy, I loved baseball. I still do. I live a mere three blocks away from Wrigley Field. I love the sound of the crack of the bat after a hard line drive and the smell of the grass on a hot July day such as this.

I played little league, sure, but I was never good enough to really make anything of myself. I had dreams of greatness, though, and even though I was well-aware I would never see them in a physical sense, I knew with technology I could always recreate them through the world of video games. So with my Nintendo 64 and my copy of "Ken Griffey Jr.'s Slugfest," I was able to live the life of a Major Leaguer without the actual talent needed to truly live said life. I was able to hit the home runs. I was able to win the World Series. It was foolish, sure, but it was nice, too. Real nice. Like baseball should be.

The second piece of context information that needs to be addressed relates to another part of our good All-American culture that could also be considered innocent: music. But the type of music I am referring to is anything but innocent. I am referring to the band, KoRn.

Now, I am far from proud of the fact that in the late 1990s, I enjoyed the music of the nu-metal quartet from Bakersfield, CA, but it isn't something that brings me the great shame that I feel. I blame my love of KoRn on the folly of youth. I am sure there are some musicians you yourself wish you could disassociate your fandom from. But, we all grow and out tastes change and those somewhat embarrassing preferences of our younger years are meant to be laughed at, nothing more. And if it wasn't for KoRn's connection to the overall story I am telling, I might laugh, too. Hell, sometimes I do laugh. It's all so horrible, sometimes that's all you can do.

I don't know why the heavy guitars and macabre lyrics of KoRn spoke to me. In fact, I don't know if it ever really did. The truth is, I had many friends who were into the band and I tend to think that was the catalyst that got me into them in the first place. But that's not to say I am free of blame and that I didn't enjoy their music. I did. I could listen back on tracks like "Freak on a Leash" now and struggle not to turn it off, but back then, it made me happy. If I could speak to my 14-year-old self now, I would ask him why, why listen to KoRn? But I don't know if I'd believe his response anyway.

So how does this all relate to the shame of my youth that I refer to in the title of this piece? Well, to jump back to "Ken Griffey Jr.'s Slugfest," there was a feature called "Create-a-Player." It allowed you to do just that, create a player. You could design how he looks, provide him with attributes affecting his power, speed,etc. And you could name him whatever you want.

I assume most kids would create themselves. Or maybe create a player that hadn't yet been on a major league roster at the time of the game's creation. Or who knows? Most kids would have just had fun with this feature. Most kids.

(And the saddest thing of this whole horrible event is that, I probably did have fun when I did what I did. And that's what makes me feel the most guilty. I probably had the time of my life.)

I created a player in "Slugfest" that I would guarantee nobody else in the world created. I created a player so astoundingly...off...that I expect nobody out there will look at me the same after reading about it shortly. And I won't blame them, because there are times when I can't even look at myself in the mirror. When you can't make eye contact with yourself, what else do you have?

But I've put this off long enough. The player I created was based on the bassist from KoRn, known as Fieldy.

Fieldy's real name is Reginald Arvizu, but I didn't know that at the time. All I knew was he was a short, stocky, dread-locked man with an affinity for headbands. And so I made him into a power-hitting first baseman on my "Slugfest" team. Since I didn't know his real name, I put his first name as "Fieldy" and his last name as "OfKorn."

And, Fieldy OfKorn was good. He was really good. You could easily compare him to a Prince Fielder type player today: patient enough to take his walks but with enough power to put the fear of God into opposing pitchers. Sure, he never had any speed, but Fieldy OfKorn was a rock in the middle of my lineup. And I used him over the course of an entire season. And with Fieldy, I won it all. I won the whole damned 'ship.

You don't get a physical trophy when you win a digital World Series; I don't even own that system or game any more, so I couldn't even see the pixelated representation of the trophy if I wanted to. All I have are the memories. And the knowledge that I won with a played based on the bassist for a nu-metal band.

Of course his statistical prowess brings me no solitude because he should never have existed in the first place. You probably ask, what possessed me to create such a monster? I have no answer. Even if I had one, it wouldn't be a feasible one.

I expect no pity from you. In fact, I'd be offended if you gave me any. I deserve no pity, only shameful, sideways glances. I can't imagine any of my friends will remain so after they read this and I will likely lose my job as well. If this revelation means that I'm now meant to drift the earth, barely scraping by to survive, then it is what I am meant to do. By keeping this secret so long, I only delayed the inevitable hardships that will soon follow.

If I can leave you with anything from this horrible tale other than the intense depression you must be going through after reading it, I ask you to think before you act. I didn't once when I was a child. And now I am nothing more than a shell of a human being.

But not unlike the bullet in the famous KoRn video, "Freak on a Leash," coming clean to you will not slow down my sadness. It continues on.

Unabated.

*

You think Jay Cutler quit on his team? I think you quit on the notion of not being an idiot.

2011-01-23T21:43:00.006-06:00

As I'm writing this, it is being reported that Bears quarterback Jay Cutler likely tore his MCL in Chicago's loss to the Green Bay Packers in today's NFC Championship game and it's going to get the exact opposite reaction than the one it should. Here's what people are going to say: "Phew, that let's Cutler off the hook for not playing the second half of the game." But in actuality, the fact this his injury turned out to be serious is going to end up letting the idiots off the hook who immediately chastised Cutler as they saw him watching the game from the sidelines and called him a quitter. People like Maurice Jones-Drew and Darnell Dockett and the countless other morons who called Cutler soft are going to be forgiven because they'll get to apologize for "jumping to conclusions."

But the truth is, if you assumed for even a second that Cutler wasn't doing everything in his power to convince Bears management and the Bears medical staff to let him get back into the game, then you don't deserve to be let off the hook. When you look at what he's gone through this past season, you could easily make the argument that he's one of the toughest players in the NFL. You try playing behind that offensive line in Mike Martz's offense where five-step drops are commonplace. You try taking as many sacks and hits and knock-downs as Cutler did and still come out every game and just keep letting it happen over and over again. Hell, Cutler is probably too selfless to a fault. Back in Week 5, Cutler sustained a concussion against the onslaught of the New York Giants pass rush and still kept playing even though it was clearly affecting his judgment and decision-making. If anything, Cutler hurt his team because he cared too much about helping them.

Today's incident wasn't much different. Severals Bears players and coaches have come forward to defend Cutler and said he begged to be let back into the game after the first series of the second half proved that he wasn't physically able to plant his back foot securely enough to be effective. Even with his pretty poor pre-injury first half performance, it sure as hell wasn't going to get any better for a guy who basically was going to be forced to eliminate all lateral movement. (And for those who say that if he was able to put weight on the knee on the sideline, he should have been able to play in the game, well, that's just stupid. I've never torn a ligament, but I'm pretty sure it's a very different ball of wax playing an intensely fast-paced sport on an injured knee than it is standing motionless.)

The one argument a lot of people keep coming back to is to point out that Philip Rivers once played on a torn ACL, but those people seem to forget that Rivers was horrendous in that game, going 19 of 37 with no touchdowns and two picks. It was a dumb decision on the part of the Chargers coaching staff to let Rivers play and they deserved the outcome they received. You have to give Lovie Smith credit today: he chose to act in what he thought was the best interest of his team and not the best interest of the potential hit his actions might have on a player's reputation. (Now if you want to argue about some of Smith's other decision-making today, have at it.)

And that's really where all of this "media frenzy" about today's game starts: Cutler's reputation. He is hated by everyone. And I can understand why, even if I don't think the reason is very logical. He's not a very media-friendly player even though he plays at a position where most guys are. This leads to two major scenarios. First, you get reporters and columnists feeling slighted by Cutler's indifference and react by writing unfavorable articles and columns about him (see Rick Reilly's poorly-written and -researched recent expose on the man). Second, you get the average fan buying into these unwarranted criticisms and thus a bad reputation is born.

But if you're a real football fan and you care more about whether your quarterback is likable than if he's a good player, then guess what? You've been living a lie because you aren't a real football fan; you're a soap opera viewer.

You know why I like Jay Cutler? It's because if he's not the very best quarterback the Chicago Bears have ever had, he's undoubtedly in the top three. And for all of the Sid Luckmans and George Blandas of the world who were well before my time, Cutler is easily the best QB I've had the pleasure to watch play in my lifetime. And yet, the hatred for him runs through even some of the most die-hard Bears fans.

Is Jay Cutler perfect? No. Is he an elite, top-tier quarterback. Not at all. Is he very good, nonetheless? Absolutely. I don't really understand how a real Bears fan can dislike Cutler after living with specimen like Jonathan Quinn and Craig Krenzel and Kordell Stewart and Shane Matthews and Rick Mirer behind the center. Even the QBs who had shown moderate success like Jim Miller, Rex Grossman, and Kyle Orton all paled in comparison to the talent that Cutler displays every Sunday. I choose to value actual concrete, tangible skills and athleticism over opinion-based critiques like attitude and leadership. Sure, it wouldn't hurt if Cutler improved in those areas, but it would hurt if we returned to the Henry Burris "glory" days of no-talent signal-callers.

And, Jesus, even if you put all the stock in the world into those intangible elements like grit, heart, and go-getterness, it's pretty disgusting that a guy like Cutler is labeled a pariah for at worst being kind of a jerk when an alleged rapist like Ben Roethlisberger is heralded as a leader.

In general, though, it's fairly easy to ignore the flack Cutler receives for his less-than-genial demeanor because why should I hold stock in another fan's opinion of a player quality or attribute that I hold little stock in to begin with. But, even though I want to also ignore the vile attacks set upon Cutler after he was forced to leave today's game against his will, when I read through my Facebook and Twitter feeds I get angry all the same.

This Bears team that most had pegged as a .500 team at best just made it the NFC Championship game and one of the main reason that came to be was because Jay Cutler toughed out getting his body pulverized by defenses each and every week and still put up excellent numbers. I for one don't want to take for granted the effort and skills our quarterback puts forth for this team, and it saddens me to see so many other supposed Bears fans all to willing to do that.

Ron Santo (1940-2010)

2010-12-03T10:48:00.004-06:00

Today we mourn Ron Santo and boy is it harder than I thought it would be. I've been fortunate enough to never see the death of a close family member during my 25 years on this planet, but losing Santo feels like the first. There's an inner cynic in me that wants to tell myself to stop overreacting. I never met Santo (though I was lucky enough to listen to him speak at the Cubs Convention a few years ago), so why should I be so affected by his passing? But I am, much more than I ever thought I would be.

Because let's face it, Ronnie has been fighting diabetes-related health issues his entire life. Lesser men wouldn't have survived the daily struggles of living with the disease or the two amputations that took his legs. Santo not only survived, but he lived with a vigor and grace that I can only dream of when I enter my later years. In this day and age, 70 is too young to die. But for a guy like Santo, it's an amazing accomplishment and a testament to his strength, both inside and out.

But the thought that he could leave us at any time was on the back of the minds of Cubs fans for the last few years now. Even this past season, the fact that Ron began to stay home on long road trips was somewhat ominous. It's a natural reaction to steel yourself to expect the worst in order to come out unscathed on the other side. I thought I was prepared for Santo's death. I was wrong.

Today I cried. I'm still crying now as I write this. A lot of them are happy tears, though, as I listen to friends and family and fans share their favorite stories about the man. I just heard Ronnie's amazing radio partner Pat Hughes recall a story on Comcast Sports Net in which Ron was attempting to work a yogurt machine and wasn't able to turn it off. As Pat put it, Ron responded like any mature seven-year-old would. He ran away. And what makes that story so great is that you can totally picture that whole slapstick scene in your head. In another life, Santo would have made a great silent film comedian, on par with Chaplin or Lloyd.

But, alas, most of these tears are sad ones. It is going to be a heart-wrenching moment to hear that first WGN radio broadcast without him. I don't know who is going to replace Ron yet -- it might be Dave Otto, it might be Keith Moreland, it might be someone completely new -- but they will have massive shoes to fill. Sure, Santo wasn't the best color man in terms of baseball analysis or even objective criticism, but he brought something unique to the booth. He was like all of us. He was a fan first. He was ecstatic when the Cubs did great and he was angry and depressed when the Cubs did bad (and unfortunately there was a lot more anger and depression than happiness over his years), but he was real. His broadcasting style was an extension of every Cubs fan. There's something to be said about a baseball announcer who cares more about baseball than announcing. More often than not, even with other former players like him who took on color commentating gigs after their playing careers had ended, it is the other way around.

Ron Santo was never elected to the Hall of Fame. He never got to play in or witness a Cubs World Series. He relentlessly battled diabetes to the point of leaving the game in his prime and losing both his legs to amputation. And yet, I'd be hard-pressed to find a Cubs fan out there who wouldn't trade lives with him in a second. If I have even half the dignity Ronnie had throughout his whole life, I'll have done alright.

I'm going to miss you, Ronnie. Say hi to Harry for us.

*

News about TV Reviews

2010-09-20T23:26:00.002-05:00

I was recently approached on Twitter to contribute to the TV website TVGeekArmy.com. After taking some time to read through some posts and talk about it with site runner, Eric, I said yeppity yep. This however means that I won't be contributing TV reviews to this blog anymore.

Well, actually, that's not necessarily the case. If TVGA has a lot of coverage of a certain show that I still want to write about, I might still put something up here. However, I am not allowed to post the reviews on both sites (Internet Rule #47.1.A), so it's all basically one or the other.

There are several reasons why I wanted to contribute to TVGA:

1.) I like the look and feel of the site and its goals for the future.

2.) It likely gets a lot more traffic than my blog because my blog gets very, very little traffic. This helps my attention meter go beep beep beep.

3.) It's another bullet point to put on the ol' resume.

If you are interested in following my thoughts on the shows (which is neat of you), keep an eye on my Twitter feed because I'll be posting on there when my reviews get posted on the site.

Also, follow the TVGA twitter feed for similar reasons here: http://twitter.com/forwerdmedia

Peace, love, and happiness to all.

TV Review: Sons of Anarchy - "Oiled"

2010-09-14T22:49:00.003-05:00

There are specific moments that make me wonder (or more accurately, doubt) if Sons of Anarchy ever has potential to be a great show. Tonight this came in the form of an otherwise throwaway scene where Clay, Opie, Happy and some other folks were meeting with a Black M.C. to piece together why the Mayans are patching another club over. There came a point where it wasn't just Clay talking to the head of the other club, but Opie and Happy doing it too. They were just dropping details about the information they needed, but why would these low-ranking guys even be speaking during a meeting like this? And moments like this happen very often on the show. I wonder if the writers get too anxious if all the characters don't have something to do every scene and this is just their defense mechanism or something, but it just ends up looking like lazy, unrealistic writing.

Speaking of Opie, I just realized the other day that the actor that plays him (Ryan Hurst) is the same guy who played Gary Bertier in Remember the Titans. It wasn't like he was a revelation in that movie or anything, but he sure didn't take any acting classes since then. In the grand scheme of things, I think it's fair to say that his fellow Titan linebacker, Wood Harris, has a better post-Denzel television career by starring on The Wire. Granted I don't think I've seen either of them in anything else other than these three pieces of entertainment, but the nod clearly has to go to Avon Barksdale.

And, of course, to segue from football to The Wire back to football, I've been catching up on Friday Night Lights over the last few weeks and was pretty excited to see the actor who played Wallace in Season 1 of The Wire show up in the most recent season of FNL. See, D'Angelo, there was no need to get so pissed at Stringer. He just sent Wallace to Dillon, Texas.

But if there's any Dillon resident who most needs to crossover onto Sons of Anarchy, it's Matt Saracen's grandmother. Now wouldn't she make a cute, albeit demented romantic counterpart to Hal Holbrook's character? It's a match made in Alzheimer's heaven.

If you're wondering why I'm rambling on about pretty much nothing, it's because pretty much nothing happened in tonight's episode, "Oiled." It was a severely boring hour of television, plain and simple. Sure, Jax is on his way towards a fruitless search of majestic British Columbia for Abel and we learn about the Mayan's building their army so to speak, but other than that, can you tell me tell me anything else that happened that progressed the plot in an honestly meaningful way? No there was just a lot of shit like Bobby being late on alimony and Tara taking a leave of absence and Tig needing lube. I'm all for slow burn, but this felt like the fuse had gone out. And we're only in episode two. Not a good sign, especially considering most of the first episode was dull as well.

OVERALL GRADE: D

*

TV Review: Terriers - "Pilot"

2010-09-08T22:17:00.002-05:00

The new FX series Terriers has many things going for it, but it's strongest aspect might simply be how much fun it is. The rapport between stars Donal Logue (always underrated)and Michael Raymond-James (one of my favorite performances from True Blood, even if his Cajun accent wasn't always 100% consistent) doesn't break any new ground in the buddy-cop genre, but it was making me grin pretty effortlessly throughout the hour. Logue especially does a great job in sketching out who his character is: a loser who is probably too clever to be one, but living with past mistakes and doing the best he can with it.

In the premiere, we are introduced to what would seem to be a normal day in the life of these unlicensed private investigators. They steal a dog back from canine thief and return it to the rightful owner (yes, basically the opening scene of Ace Ventura) and all they get for payment is free dry-cleaning. And though this dry-cleaning eventually leads to dinner at a fancy restaurant, you kind of get the picture that the "Gomez Bros Pool Service" team isn't living the high life off its P.I. earnings.

But of course a big case falls into their lap involving a rich real estate developer, a sextape, a couple of murders, and "Close to You" by the Carpenters. The end result has Logue and Raymond-James' Hank and Britt framing the developer (played by Christopher Cousins of Breaking Bad fame) because of his connection to the murder of Hank's friend. While the final scene where Britt warns Hank that messing with the developer will likely come back to haunt them reminded me of The Simpsons episode where Chief Wiggum moves to New Orleans and is looking forward to facing off with Big Daddy "each and every week," (this is already a way-too-long sentence, but you stuck around this long so you might as well stick around 'til the end) I like the idea that there will be this serialized aspect to go along with the "Case-of-the-Week" subplots. I don't know if Cousins is a good enough actor to pull off menacing (he always kind of underwhelmed me on Breaking Bad), I think having that long-term antagonist is good for a show like this.

But that's not to say I don't think the "Case-of-the-Week" plotlines won't work. I look forward to all the mischief these goofinators are going to get themselves into as much as the serious stuff. If the writing stays as sharp and the chemistry stays and natural, Terriers could (oh yeah, I'm going to go there) have some bite.

Lingering Thoughts

- Fun supporting characters? We got 'em. There's the hard-nosed cop, the sassy lawyer, the cute and charming girlfriend, and the still-pined-over ex-wife. All in one place!

- The one line that really sums of Hank best: "There are only so many places you go, Hank."

OVERALL GRADE: A-

*

TV Review: Sons of Anarchy - "So"

2010-09-07T22:11:00.003-05:00

Let's be clear about something before I delve into a season of Sons of Anarchy recaps: I don't think it's a particularly great show. It's a good show. It has moments and even whole episodes of greatness, but its first two seasons were plagued with two many issues to put it among the best shows on television right now.

I think a lot of it has to do with the writing and directing because the acting on the show is top-notch. Ron Perlman and Katey Sagal and Mark Boone Junior and even a much, much improved Charlie Hunnam carry their characters with ease, which shouldn't be considering that some of the dialogue they have to read errs on the side of ridiculous. Of course not every actor is great. Maggie Siff is rigid at best and Ryan Hurst is downright awful (his go-to acting method is to wear a knit cap and stare broodingly), but acting isn't the show's problem.

There are moments over the past six months during which I spent time catching up on Sons that I found myself really wondering why people praise it so much. I read a review or a message board comment or something a while back that compared it to The A-Team with higher production values. And that's not necessarily a bad thing. In fact I think it's a favorable comparison. It is at its best when it doesn't take itself so seriously, but those moments are too few and far between. And ending season two and starting off season three with the kidnapping of a baby doesn't exactly help in that matter. But I'm going to try and keep an open mind and hope that the pulpier elements come to the forefront.

And for about 55 minutes, I didn't think that was going to be the case. Outside of a few minor progressions (like some brief investigation into where Cameron might be and the introduction of the awesome Hal Holbrook as Gemma's dementia-ridden father), nothing happened that couldn't have been accomplished with one brief scene of dialogue. Everything was about Jax feeling emotionally crippled, Gemma feeling helpless on the lam, Clay feeling the need to console but push Jax into action. The expression of feelings like this are all well and good in brief doses on a show like this, but to fill a majority of the episode with it is almost too much to handle.

But maybe that was all the point. Give us an episode where the first 55 minutes dull us into not really caring and then slamming us with a final scene that forces us snap out of your (sorry, I'm going to be blunt here) sleepy boredom. The final scene of the drive-by at Half-Sack's funeral might have been shock value for the sake of shock value, but it was effective and almost made up for the lesser elements that came before it.

And so where are we left following the shootout? Well for starters, Hale is dead which I didn't see coming. I've always liked him as a character with him being torn between his hatred of what SAMCRO represents, but the occasional realization that their existence can also be for the greater good of Charming. I don't know how the lack of this moral center will effect the show going forward, or if it's even gone at all. I can see a character like Piney continue his rebellion against the changes that have occurred with the club since John Teller's death, even if Jax is too focused on getting Abel back to want that on his plate.

Also, Opie's girlfriend's son was shot which is pretty brutal and almost glossed over too much, in my opinion. When a kid gets shot, even if it's the rarely seen son of a minor character, there needs to be more shock about it. Still, this obviously opens up the Opie storyline for the season in some way, shape, or form.

Jax breaks out of his funk and slams the head of one of the shooters into the pavement multiple times, which for some reason the cops in the vicinity just let him do. From the previews, this doesn't look like it will be the only violent outburst we see from Jax this season as he starts the long, drawn-out search for his missing son.

Speaking of the little Turnip Head, Abel is alive (Good news!), but across the pond in Belfast with Cameron (Bad news!). If this leads to a SAMCRO Overseas Adventure, I'm all for it because that'd be a fun little turn of events. And that's what this show needs more of. If we get too many episodes like the first 55 minutes of the premiere, it's going to be hard to stick with it.

Lingering Thoughts

- Who's the Latina caretaker living with Holbrook? I know I've seen her in other stuff and can't place it.

- Gemma mentions that her father is a reverend. I hope everyone's ready for scenes revolving around Christian guilt!

- Dayton Callie was promoted to series regular. Good for him, he's always strong as Unser.

- There was something about new members joining the Charming Chapter that I didn't quite catch. New blood could be good or could be bad for the show. I've seen it go both ways on other shows.

- I miss Half-Sack.

OVERALL GRADE: B-

*

Vote Michael Proper for Chicago Mayor in 2011

2010-09-07T13:45:00.006-05:00

Moments ago, Mayor Richard M. Daley announced he would not be running for re-election in Chicago in 2011. As a proud supporter of Daley, I am sad to see the man move on, but I respect his decision. However, this new development has opened the door for a new era of government in the City of Chicago and I would like to formally announce my candidacy for the mayoral race in 2011.

I will be getting to the multiple levels of my platform momentarily, but first let me tell you a little about myself. I am a 24-year-old graduate of DePaul University with a Bachelors Degree in Communication (the most prestigious degree you can get from the alma mater of the great Mayor Daley himself) and a job selling perfume and cologne at Macy's. I currently live in the Chicago suburb of Tinley Park, but it would only take some brief "creative bookkeeping" to change my residency to a Chicago address. I am single, but always looking out for a future first lady (good hygiene is very important, ladies).

I love the City of Chicago and all its residents (minus 7 or 8 exceptions) and look forward to maintaining and expanding our reputation as a world-class metropolis.

Now that you know about me on a personal level, please allow me to enlighten you about how I will improve the lives of Chicagoans while serving as mayor. My agenda features eight individual plans that will not only continue ideals that make Chicago so great, but also taking it to the next level: Level 2.

These plans are as follows:

1.) All gay Chicagoans must get married.

Oh yeah. I started out with a big one. To be honest, while I support gay marriage, I don't think it should be a political issue. However, my campaign is going to need a big, attention-grabbing platform that will assuredly get my name in the papers.

Some gay people might be single or might be in relationships but don't want to be married. Too bad. You're getting married. Every gay person will have six weeks (starting from my first day in office) to find/settle on a significant other to marry.

If we have an odd number, the last man or woman standing will have to move to Joliet. Poor bastard.

To make the actual marriage ceremonies run smoothly, Mobile Marriage Vans will be patrolling the streets of Lakeview and Andersonville, always ready to help mold the happy bonds of matrimony.

As a bonus to make this scenario run smoothly, once the couples are married, they will be awarded a $20 gift certificate to Applebee's. So, win-win.

2.) Food carts are not only legal, they are mandatory.

There has been talk lately of allowing food carts in the city much like those you can find in New York. Well, I'm not only allowing it, I'm demanding it.

Every Chicago resident must own a food cart where they prepare their best dish, be it Creme Brulee or Easy Mac. Then once a year, each person will be among a group of Chicagoans to present their food to me at City Hall where I will feast on whatever meal looks most appetizing on my lunch break (only 45 minutes...I work for you, people).

If any resident wants to own and manage a food cart beyond this Annual Mayoral Offering, they are more than welcome to apply for a business license ($200) and permit ($75).

3.) All handguns are replaced with squirt guns.

Gang violence is a major issue in Chicago and one that has to be dealt with immediately. I propose that a taskforce be created to comb the entire city limits and find every handgun in every residence or in the possession of every citizen. Then, each of these people will be compensated with a Super Soaker Soaker-Wars Hyrdo Furry (2-Pack).

This will work on several different levels. First, it will appease defenders of the Second Amendment because every resident will have the right to bear arms. Just not ones that fire bullets. Secondly, I think once the gang leaders start to realize how much fun it is to shoot water at each other, they'll think about the preciousness of life and give up their criminal ways.

Now of course, there could always be a few rapscallions who put Tabasco sauce in their squirt guns in order to commit crimes, but to those potential wrong-doers I say this: "Don't be lame."

4.) We're holding the 2016 Olympics anyway!

Yeah, yeah, yeah, the International Olympic Committee may have chosen Rio De Janeiro to host the Olympic Games in 2016, but they can't stop us from building all of the necessary stadiums, housing, and other infrastructure that was included in our previous plan and budget. And then when people realize how much cooler our Olympic Village will be compared to Rio's, I bet the athletes will want to come here anyway.

Plus, did you know that in South America, the summertime is actually their wintertime? They are holding a Summer Olympics in the winter? Is this a joke? I can't imagine American swimmer Michael Phelps or Russian basketball player Andrei Kirilenko will stand for that. It is only a matter of time before they realize that Chicago is a better choice for them.

5.) We'll treat the Asian Carp with respect and hopefully they'll treat us with respect.

Look, other Midwestern states, I know you are all pissed off that we are letting a bunch of Asian Carp into Lake Michigan and it's going to ruin everyone's fishing industry, but you all need to chill out a bit. We're not saying we're huge fans of the Asian Carp ourselves, but that doesn't mean we have to be so rude to them, now does it?

If we let them know that they are welcome to our lake, I have to think that they'll look up at us with their beady fish eyes and think, "Hmm, it's nice to have the respect of a greater species such as you humans. Maybe we shouldn't destroy this habitat with reckless abandon. Maybe we should be friends."

If I can get the Carp to respect us, I need you other states to respect me. Reciprocity is the name of the game.

6.) Jim Belushi is banned for life.

Many people give Jim Belushi credit for being such a die-hard Chicago sports fan and overall city defender. Well I don't. Belushi sucks at everything he does. According to Jim was on the air for 182 episodes and that's 200 episodes too many. You may love Chicago, Mr. Belushi, but you won't be doing it in the city limits anymore.

But seriously, The Defenders looks pretty good.

Teaming up with Jerry O'Connell is a one-way ticket to Hollywood immortality.

7.) No more kickbacks, slush funds, or other "Chicago Outfit"-style politics

Honesty and integrity are my number one priority as Mayor. I represent every single citizen and believe that it is my duty to act in the highest honor that holding such a position entails.

That being said, if you would like to donate to my campaign fund, please feel free to contact Vinny DiAugustina at DiAugustina Bail Bonds at 2200 S. Wabash. He will send over several men to pick up your donation, so you won't even need to worry about the postage. (Cash only, please.)

8.) Prostitution will remain illegal.

Sorry, but I just can't change this law despite much outcry from smelly, overweight losers who can't get girlfriends. My morals just don't bend like that, fellas.

And there you have it. Eight campaign promises that will not only make the city as a whole better, but it will make each and every one of your individual lives better.

This campaign won't be an easy one to win. I will need all of the support I can get from great Chicagoans and friends such as you, dear reader. But I think we all know that as great of a job Daley has done during his tenure, things can still be improved. I hope you realize that my voice, my vision, and my heart is what is needed to make those improvements work.

So please, go forth, spread the word about why you think I am the key to a better future here in the City of Big Shoulders. Without word of mouth, my campaign will falter. This elections isn't just something I must win, it is something WE must win.

God bless you. God bless America. And God bless the great City of Chicago, Illinois!

*

TV Review: Rubicon - "The Truth Will Out"

2010-09-05T21:21:00.003-05:00

I attended two weddings this weekend and am quite exhausted, so I'm going to take the lazy route and just briefly recap the episode with bullet points.

- The FBI busts into API because they believe there is a leak. Spoiler alert: it turns out to be some finance nerd who was using SEC information to get rich. But the point wasn't so much about us learning about the leak, it was about learning what secrets the characters wanted to keep from the polygraphers.

- Grant was supposed to leave work early to see his daughters play, but wouldn't you know the FBI has other ideas. In his polygraph, he gets marked with a lie for saying he never cheated on his wife. He claims that the machine is wrong (is it?), but the technician believes it only means he has plans to cheat on her in the future.

- Miles is something of a leak himself because he accidentally took a classified file home and left it in a cab. But this is minor in the FBI's eyes and his punishment will be minimal.

- Kale is a badass.

- Will sees an Atlas paperweight on Spangler's desk and while Spangler is getting his polygraph, Will snoops around the office and finds a file with pictures of him and David at a baseball game. He also finds an audio CD which he steals and plays at home and it may or may not be a recording of David's final living moments.

- Will also finds a bug in the stone owl on his desk, but it is removed by some during the FBI investigation. But once they are gone, the bug returns. Interesting.

- Miles, Grant, and Tanya figure out that the third person in the Yuri-Beck picture is the woman at Beck's son's wedding from last week.

Good, strong, claustrophobic episode that advanced the overall storyline well, but worked great in the stand-alone sense too.

OVERALL GRADE: B+

*

TV Review: Jersey Shore - "Not So Shore"

2010-09-02T22:18:00.003-05:00

Screw you, MTV. Don't cut off the fight.

OVERALL GRADE: D (It doesn't get an F because I love the title of the episode.)

*

TV Review: Rubicon - "Look to the Ant"

2010-08-30T17:25:00.002-05:00

This is quite late because I watched the Emmys last night instead of Rubicon, but I'm sure AMC wont mind because they had a pretty good night as it was with Mad Men winning Best Drama Series again and Breaking Bad taking home acting awards for Bryan Cranston and Aaron Paul. It would be somewhat hard to imagine Rubicon earning the same critical acclaim at next year's awards, but I don't think it's unfair to say that its not too far behind those two shows in terms of excellence. At least in my opinion.

"Look to the Ant" revolved around the various adventures of several characters over the course of a night. One wasn't terribly interesting, but others had me vastly entertained.

The not-so-interesting one involved Miles flirting with a fellow (nerdy) API employee who he recruits to translate his audio broadcast of George Beck's son's wedding. Outside of some vague discussions about a "foundation" for which one of the female guests had apparently accepted money, the main crux of these scenes seemed to be to set up Miles with this woman in the future. To be perfectly honest, I had forgotten all about his marriage problems until these scenes, and I think there's a reason why. Character depth is one thing, but I just don't have it in me to care all that much about Miles' personal life.

But as I say this, I found myself much more interested in Maggie's booty call plotline, and no not just because I'm a pervert. (I'm not saying that I'm not, I'm just saying that's not why.) Part of this is that Maggie is made to be like more of an important character than she has shown to be. More insight into her lifestyle is almost a necessity at this point.

Yet in spite of all this, we didn't get much about her connection to Kale, but nonetheless I liked it. Jessica Collins pulled off being condescendingly desperate with her Scrabble-playing classmate pretty perfectly. She's been earmarked as Will's future love interest and her kicking out Scrabble-Boy immediately after Will shows up unannounced makes for a nice segue to that going forward.

Speaking of great segues, here's where I talk about the best storyline: Will's himself. When Kale invited him over to dinner, he was (probably brightly) unsure of himself, but it led to a surprising new ally. Kale wants to help Will on his quest for answers, but he can't directly. Instead, he'll occasionally nudge him in the right direction.

He starts by giving him the name, Edward Roy (aka Senator Clay Davis) who runs a security company owned by a man connected to Tom Rhumor. But with this new allegiance comes a realization to Will that he is being surveyed at all times. And sure enough, his apartment is filled with bugs. But after a tense trip to an internet cafe that culminates with him pulling a gun on another man that is following him, he reports back to Kale about all of Edward Roy's shadiness.

Of course, we don't know how much we can trust Kale. Hell, I wouldn't even be remotely shocked if he was the one who planted all of the bugs in Will's house. But I still have a gut feeling that he wants to find out a lot of the same information Will is looking for, if only for his own agenda. Remember, he watched the meeting between Bloom, Spangler, and Roy pretty coldly last week.

I feel like I always get to Katherine's storylines last, but she met with the widow of the college professor friend of her husband's that she learned about last week. It's hard to gauge what we ascertained from these scenes, but four-leafed clover makes another appearance, reminding us again that our ultimate goal is to find out what that fourth leaf represents.

Lingering Thoughts

- Am I the only one who was reminded of Talbot from True Blood when we met Kale's significant other?

- Yeah, that's really all the lingering thoughts I had. Oh well.

OVERALL GRADE: B+

*

2010 Emmys: Snap Judgments

2010-08-29T22:46:00.003-05:00

First, let me pat myself on the back for getting six of my ten predictions right. I'll take that any day.

Second, hooray for Aaron Paul and Bryan Cranston. While I'm disappointed that Breaking Bad couldn't unseat Mad Men as the Best Drama Series (not to take anything away from MM, but BB was simply better this past season), but seeing Cranston win for a third year in a row and Paul winning for the first time was gratifying enough.

I'm also very happy to see Modern Family take the Best Comedy Series over Glee. Glee is a downright terrible show. I tried to watch it with an open mind. But it's as cheesy as it gets, and not in a good way.

Modern Family on the other hand was consistently top-notch all season. I would have liked to see Ty Burrell have won Best Supporting Actor in a Comedy over his co-star Eric Stonestreet, but I'm not too disappointed because Stonestreet was hilarious too.

Still, the one thing about the comedy awards that bugs me is that while Family was the most deserving recipient, the category was missing four shows that needed to get more credit than they did: Community, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Party Down, and Parks and Recreation (which had the best season of comedy of any show on TV last year).

Oh well, though. There wasn't anything that happened that made me wet my pants in anger. Even Jimmy Fallon was a strong host (and the John Hodgman-facts were fun again). Sure, the Best Movie/Mini-Series awards dragged everything down a bit in the middle, but the overall production made for an entertaining night.

*

Super Fast 2010 Emmy Predictions and Wishlist

2010-08-29T14:52:00.003-05:00

Best Drama Prediction: Mad Men

My Pick: Breaking Bad (Duh)

Best Comedy Prediction: Modern Family

My Pick: Modern Family

Best Actor, Drama Prediction: Bryan Cranston

My Pick: Bryan Cranston

Best Actress, Drama Prediction: Julianna Margulies

My Pick: January Jones

Best Actor, Comedy Prediction: Larry David

My Pick: Larry David

Best Actress, Comedy Prediction: Edie Falco

My Pick: Amy Poehler

Best Supporting Actor, Drama Prediction: Terry O'Quinn

My Pick: Aaron Paul

Best Supporting Actress, Drama Prediction: Christina Hendricks

My Pick: Christina Hendricks

Best Supporting Actor, Comedy Prediction: Eric Stonestreet

My Pick: Ty Burrell

Best Supporting Actress, Comedy Prediction: Jane Lynch

My Pick: Sofia Vergara

Let's see how I do.

*

TV Review: Jersey Shore - "The Letter"

2010-08-26T22:02:00.007-05:00

Tonight I felt a feeling that I have never felt before. I actually didn't even think it was possible to feel it. And yet, something changed in me and it makes me wonder what I'm becoming in my old age. Will I still be able to look at myself in the mirror every morning? Will I still be able to show my face to my friends and family? How could I break down and feel the thing that I felt?

How could I feel sorry for a grenade?

I can't come up with a reasonable answer, but it was a feeling that washed over me nonetheless. When The Situation, Pauly D, and Vinny were striving to seal the deal with three D.T.F. ladies, a fourth girl (who represented the epitome of grenadedom) also arrived as the dreaded tag-along.

Luckily, she seemed to realize the low-quality nature of her existence and accepted the responsibility of sleeping alone and not bothering the three attractive couple engaged in various forms of intercourse.

But, she had to feel pretty down about her predicament and I almost wished she wasn't involved with the circumstances to begin with. She clearly knew she was a grenade and I can only imagine the loathing a self-aware grenade must feel for herself.

Now, let me be clear: this doesn't mean I think that The Situation, Pauly D, or Vinny should have put some moves on her or even talk to her. A grenade is still a grenade. But, I still couldn't help myself when I wished her a better life.

I wonder, though, would grenades be better off if they were put into some sort of camp -- away from normal girls? I think the logistics of this would be too astronomical for me to comprehend (for instance, what about landmines?), but the possibility of a secluded area where grenades could feel free to live their lives and not bother any guy, ever just seems right to me.

I know I'm getting off-track, but brand new feelings tend to do that to me.

Speaking of feelings, Sammi had hers hurt after she found the anonymous letter written by JWoww and Snooki.

(Sidebar: I hate to say anything bad about someone as morally upstanding as Ronnie, but I think he was kind of out-of-line when he mocked Snooki's vocabulary. Sure, she might not know the word "wisely", but didn't he hear her use "sympathetic?" Does this mean nothing to him?)

The aftermath of the letter's discovery was enthralling. Deep down, I think everyone knew JWoww and Snookers wrote it, but everyone's ability to hide this knowledge was spectacular. I know this is a reality show and in no way scripted, but sometimes I wonder why these people don't win acting awards anyway. Every move they make is so damn believable. I watched JWoww type out and hide the letter and I'm still not even sure it was her because she covered it up perfectly.

Sammi is on the hunt for the author, but I can't imagine she ever finds out.

It seems now that despite everything I predicted, the picture perfect relationship of Sammi and Ronnie is over for good. I thought they might still have another chance, but then Ronnie called his Hometown Honey and I knew the end had arrived. If there's one thing this relationship has taught us, it's that when Sam and Ron break up, they stay broken up.

Now look, I'm a sucker for true love like anyone else, but I wonder if this wont end up being in the best interests of Ronnie and Ms. Sweetheart. Sure, together they could have ruled the world like Anthony and Cleopatra, but now they get to be charitable and take on a lesser mate, making that person look noble in comparison to their former self. Somewhere out there in the world, there is a man and a woman who have a chance to try and live up to the lofty expectations that Ronnie and Sammi held for each other. This contest makes the lottery seem pathetic in contrast.

Heartbreak wasn't exclusive to Ronnie and Sam, however. Snooki broke up with Emilio (after generously giving him a second chance first, of course) which led to The Fateful Burning of Emilo's Picture from Sushi Samba in the City when Snooki Paid and Everything.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Fateful Burning of Emilo's Picture from Sushi Samba in the City when Snooki Paid and Everything.

We didn't really get to know Emilio too well. Sure, from Snooki's description of him in the first episode as a "juiced-up gorilla," we can probably assume he's a great guy. But then had to go and make homophobic remarks and that's just something an accepting person like Snooki can't tolerate.

Look, Emilio, I understand your need to hate gay people. I'm sure the fact that some dudes like other dudes has made your life a constant, never-ending hell. I get that. But I don't need to see your homophobia. Whatever horrible, ignorant things you want to say in the privacy of your own home, that's fine. But keep it out of public so my children and my children's children don't have to witness it.

Anyway, Snooki did the right thing and burned anything that reminded her of Emilio. And now that we found out that once Emilio actually allowed a woman to pay for a meal, I come to doubt my ever trusting him as a great man in the first place. Snooki will be far better of without him.

(Does that mean she'll be far better off with me? Only time will tell.)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

As two women were moving on from their troubled relationships, Angelina couldn't move on from her awfulness. All The Situation wanted to do was have her do the dishes so he could make a nice, family meal. But instead she chose to spend her day yapping on the phone.

I wonder if she was even talking to anyone on the other end? It was edited to make it seem like she was, but I can't imagine anyone would actually want to talk to her about anything -- including her own family. I wouldn't put it past that ruffian to create a one-sided conversation in order to make herself seem more popular than she is. In fact, I have no doubt that this is the case.

You heard it here first and it's 100% official: Angelina only has one-sided phone conversations with herself!

But you can't let one bad egg make you assume that the whole carton is tainted*. And luckily for us, the seven cast members who aren't named Angelina continue to shine like beacons of hope.

*Author's Note: This egg metaphor is only that: a metaphor. In light of the recent recalls, one should be very careful about their egg consumption. If you even have an iota of a doubt about the cleanliness of your egg purchase, the safe bet is to just throw them away. Salmonella may sound like an illness that can be easily overcome, but over 30 American die every year from it.

Remember the Proper Lounge Egg Motto: Safe Eggs are Egg-cellent...and Delicious (*wink*)

(Add the wink only if you are speaking the motto out-loud.)

OVERALL GRADE: A+

*

Trailer: The Walking Dead

2010-08-24T22:10:00.003-05:00

The zombie genre is definitely a favorite of mine. But the one thing that always seems to hold zombie films back is the two-hour-ish time limit. The real story of a zombie apocalypse wouldn't be about the singular story that encompasses Night of the Living Dead or Zombieland. It would be the continuing, drudging, neverending will to survive by the non-zombified characters. Two hours just isn't enough.

So when I heard that Frank Darabont was adapting The Walking Dead graphic novel series, I was cautiously optimistic. Now that AMC (the best network ever, apparently) released the trailer below, I can throw that caution to the wind.

It looks spectacular and while I don't think I'll necessarily be staying in Halloween night to watch it (Halloween is my favorite holiday), you can bet I'll be watching it bright and early November 1st.

*

TV Review: Rubicon - "Connect the Dots"

2010-08-22T21:19:00.002-05:00

There are two main mysteries at the center of Rubicon. One is on the level, the other is not, but both threaten to turn Will into whatever it is Ed Bancroft has become since his heyday as an analyst.

The mystery that Will is supposed to be focusing on has shifted from looking at what Yuri Popovich is about to honing in on George Beck. This decision was made thanks to Tanya's recommendation, but not before she is somewhat embarrassed by Miles, Grant, and even Will prior to her presentation to Spangler. Yuri, she proposes, is a bad man, but not one that is dangerous to the overall well-being of the United States. Beck, meanwhile, doesn't have the criminal resume that Yuri does, but he's all about potential. And by the episode's conclusion, Tanya appears to be proven correct as pictures surface from the Brits showing Beck meeting with a known terrorist financier.

The second mystery involves Will's investigation into the overall conspiracy that may or may not have led to David's death. Their are a few interesting aspects to this one:

1.) Will and Ed don't really know what they are looking for. Ed even says, their current goal is to find the narrative of the conspiracy, with its ultimate goal (and moral expenses) being an answer too far away to be even thought about yet.

2.) After tonight's episode, the conspiracy group is clearly well aware of Will's investigation and Will seems to be at least somewhat aware of this as well. Yet he trudges forward, ignoring Kale's veiled threats about avoiding "mayhem."

But Will chooses to trudge forward without Ed, who may or may not have blown a mental fuse by getting back into the obsessive lifestyle of an analyst. Will lies to Ed about a key detail in what they have found so far (the true identity of Donald Bloom), and, for not at least, cuts Ed out of the equation. When looking at Ed's compulsions, you have to think that Will wondered about his own future as a man who's too smart for his own brain to handle. His own breakdown (for lack of a better term) might not be far behind.

Of course, though, we learn that Donald Bloom is very real and Will even follows him to a meeting with none other than Kale Ingram (Kale's threats to Will come after he catches his subordinate spying on him through a restaurant window). It appears that Kale and Bloom had some sort of affair back in their CIA hitman days in Beirut and now Bloom is working an assignment for Kale (possibly related to oil, Ed surmises).

But Kale isn't completely up-to-date on Bloom's business, it seems. When Spangler meets with Maryland State Senator Clay Davis (or whatever his character is called on this show) in an abandoned school gymnasium to learn about Will's involvement with Ed, Bloom is also mysteriously in attendance. And Kale takes all of this in from his own secret hiding spot in the distance.

It seemed somewhat clear that Kale wasn't on the same level as the main conspiracy members that we have met so far (i.e. Spangler, Tom Rhumor, the guy from In The Loop), but I thought he maybe had some insight into the overall organization, but now I wonder.

Overall, "Connect the Dots" was a really strong episode that worked because it made both of the main mysteries even more intriguing over the course of the hour. The real question will be how the finale wraps this all together, but so far the journey has been so well-done, I don't feel like I need a mad rush to know everything. I'm becoming more and more confident that all will be revealed at the appropriate, necessary pace.

Lingering Thoughts

- Do we think the two mysteries will be connected in the end?

- So Tanya is a drunk. Fair enough. Not sure what this means for her (and the team's) overall arc.

- We were treated to the first meeting between Will and Katherine tonight at Spangler's wife's fundraiser. I'm going to guess this won't be the last.

- Speaking of Katherine, as strong as Miranda Richardson is in the role, I find myself much less intrigued by her storyline than by Will's. I'm hoping that changes quickly.

- Spangler stole the "White Paper" files and shredded them. Clearly the man is powerful because this is made to seem like a very difficult item to steal.

- Kudos to James Badge Dale who really holds this otherwise widely-ambitious show together with his nuanced but commanding performance.

OVERALL GRADE: A

*

Cool Song: "Fuck You" by Cee-Lo Green

2010-08-20T23:16:00.001-05:00

Ooo goodie, this is one gnarly song.

*

TV Review: Jersey Shore - "Breaking Up"

2010-08-19T22:03:00.004-05:00

It was fitting when Snooki referred to herself as Bond...Snooki Bond because tonight's episode, "Breaking Up," had all of the tension and espionage of a classic spy thriller. From the continued excitement of Ronnie and Sam's "Will they or wont they?" romance to the heartbreaking finality of Snooki and Emilio's soul-crushing break-up, this episode had it all! (I rarely use unironic exclamation points, but it was very necessary here)

Picking off in media res from last week's episode, Sammi sits waiting for Ronnie, expecting him to return in only an hour. But the hours pass and she receives no word from her loving boyfriend. Meanwhile, more love comes into question as Snooki calls Emilio to talk and he has the nerve to not leave the bar/club in the middle of having a night out with his friends to talk to her on the phone. What a cantankerous oaf!

But if this isn't bad enough, he calls back some time later and admits to having sex with one of the half-naked women he was out with that evening. But then he claims that this proclamation was all a ruse and that the intercourse didn't even happen. But who are we to believe? Luckily, Snooki went with the logical response and kicked Emilio's sorry behind to the curb.

Sidebar: I, of course, am happy that Snooki is now single, but I am probably getting my hopes up that her and I will ever meet for a chance at romance. But, if life isn't about taking chances, what is it about? I believe that she truly is my "one." Everybody has a soulmate and I'm ready to spend the rest of life with mine, Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi.

Meanwhile, Ronnie, the boys, and the rogue Angelina still haven't returned and the ladies of the house (Angelina disrespectful behavior doesn't allow her to qualify) decide to break free of the restraints of men by smashing the fine china, Eat Pray Love-style (I'm assuming...I haven't read or seen it).

Good for you, ladies! If there's one way to make us hooligan men understand what it means to treat a woman right, it's breaking stuff for us to pick up later. Whenever my next relationship begins (hopefully with a certain four-foot tall Aphrodite), I'll always think back to this scene when I'm doubting my potential for meeting my spouse's reasonable needs.

Finally, the club-goers return and another sensation fight sequence occurs between Ronnie and Sammi. I could have sworn they were choreographed by John Woo himself, until I realized that there was no physical contact made. To make an entirely verbal confrontation seem so riveting is a testament to the talented people behind the camera and in the editing room that work on this show. With such a gifted and interesting cast, it's easy to forget how much work the crew puts in to make this such a brilliant television series, but I want to give my deepest kudos here.

Unfortunately for fans of true love everywhere, it looks like Ron and Sammi have broken up for good.

Or have they? Because when Ronnie uncharacteristically gets really drunk, Sammi takes it upon herself (nobly I might add) to make sure he gets home safe and provides him with a pan they occasionally use for cooking for him to puke into. Something tells me these two are going to be all right.

But, I suppose there is always a chance that destiny means nothing and this modern day Romeo and Juliet don't get married and have a dozen kids and retire to Scottsdale until they both die in each others arms at the age of 97. And if for some reason this is the case, JWoww and Snooki are on the case with The Fateful Anonymous Letter about Ronnie's Hook-ups.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Fateful Anonymous Letter about Ronnie's Hook-ups

This is the part of the episode where Snooki's James Bond reference came into play. Now, I must admit, I've never seen an actual Bond film, but I have to guess many of them deal with 007 sending anonymous letters to his roommate to warn her about a cheating beau. It's such a universally intriguing plot point that I'm sure it's become somewhat clichéd in every Bond movie it appears in, but its use in Jersey Shore brought a freshness to the idea that Daniel Craig never could.

JWoww, she of many genius ideas, comes up with the plan to write the anonymous letter in order to make sure Sammi is informed about what is going on, but also to avoid any kind of responsibility for her actions. It's almost a Churchillian political tactic. I wonder if she has ever considered running for public office. If she does, she's got my vote! (Again, I'm not normally a fan of exclamation points, but I want to stress how much I would love to vote for JWoww for any political position she may want to run for).

They decide to hold onto the letter until Sammi cries just one more tear. I can't imagine Ronnie will do anything egregious, so I'd expect that letter to be tucked away forever. At least I hope so...

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If I had one complaint about "Breaking Up," it was that all of the emotionally engaging drama of Ronnie and Sammi left little time for greater insight into what makes The Situation, Vinnie, and Pauly D (collectively, M.V.P.) tick. Nonetheless, the scenes where The Situation has to deal with his kitchen fiasco and when Vinnie and Pauly D creep on girls at the ice cream shop were gripping, even in their brevity.

If I had a second complaint about "Breaking Up," it would be Angelina, the harlot.

But despite these minor problems, the episode was otherwise awe-inspiring. We are now one-third of our way through the season and I couldn't be happier with what I have seen. Many critics say we are in the golden age of television, but Jersey Shore is truly the gold that outshines all others.

OVERALL GRADE: A+

Some days I don't post videos of Filipino drag queens performing as Demon Whitney Houston...Today is not one of those days.

2010-08-16T14:13:00.002-05:00

TV Review: Rubicon - "The Outsider"

2010-08-15T21:03:00.005-05:00

LOST (remember that show?) had a habit of including several episodes a season that begin with the word "the." And while some of them were pretty straightforward in their meaning, many times the noun that followed the "the" made references to several characters or ideas. For example, the season two episode "The Long Con" referred not only to the confidence games committed by Sawyer in the Island-storyline and in the flashback, but also the narrative trickery played on us the audience.

"The Outsider" worked in a similar way. A few different characters (Tanya, Will) felt like foreigners compared to their colleagues, but the real outsider is us. We're slowly learning the ins and outs of the intelligence business, but we are very much thrust in the middle of this whole thing. Tonight we received a better understanding about what API (to be honest, I hadn't caught the agency's name until tonight's episode) when Truxton and Will had to defend its necessary confidentiality from nosy congressmen, but outside of Truxton's tie analogy, there wasn't any hand-holding.

And I like that. That's what made The Wire such a great show (sidebar: I rewatched the Season Four finale the other day and it still blows me away). We weren't treated like we were watching a cop vs. drug dealers show. We were treated like we were watching cops and drug dealers. Rubicon is the same thing, just replace "cops" and "drug dealers" with "intelligence analysts."

Will and Truxton's wild adventure in D.C. was interesting in its own ways (I especially liked bookended scenes regarding proper briefcases), but the moral dilemma facing Miles, Grant, and Tanya was the most intriguing aspect of the episode. They are assigned with determining whether or not the military should bomb a potential hideout of a potential Al-Qaeda. The issue at hand is that they really don't know if the man is going to be there, not to mention that the fact that collateral damage is inevitable.

Making the female character, Tanya, be the one who is most unsure of giving the go ahead is at best cliched and and worst sexist, but I liked how Miles and Grant both felt more doubt "this time around." Eventually, they all agree (and it had to be unanimous) and the strike goes forward.

The conspiracy plotline was mostly put on the back burner tonight, but Will did get information on six of the seven names left behind by David. Four of them were dead or braindead, one is a famous author, and one is a big-time CIA operative named Donald Bloom. Bloom looks to be important, but I wouldn't be surprised to see that mysterious seventh name to be big news as well.

I'm more excited to get back into the conspiracy, though, next week. "The Outsider" was an excellent stand-alone story, but I'm concerned it's too much of a speed bump in terms of the overall arc. At the very least, though, it helped bring out a better understanding of the characters which will make the completion of the conspiracy investigation be (hopefully) more meaningful.

Lingering Thoughts

- Just a question, but do you think Maggie was spying for Kale when David was still the boss?

- So I guess we can rule out Tanya being pregnant with the way she was taking down drinks at the end. At least I hope so.

- Even though he kind of got glossed over, how much do you want to bet there are some hidden messages in C.M. Haddox's novels?

OVERALL GRADE: B+

TV Review: Jersey Shore - "Creepin'"

2010-08-12T22:32:00.003-05:00

Tonight's episode was all about excitement. I didn't feel a moment where I wasn't on the edge of my seat with anticipation about what was happening next. Every moment, I felt as if my breath had caught latched onto the inside of my lungs and wouldn't come out. Scene after scene, the thrills never stopped.

First, we were treated to the immediate aftermath of that wench Angelina's heinous assault on Pauly D. As if she belonged in some sort of asylum, the despicable tramp acted as if she didn't even strike Pauly D in the first place. Unsurprisingly, the good DJ's eye bugged out like Rodney Peete. JWoww valiantly emerged from her bedroom to defend his honor, but let her clenched fists fall because there is no pride in injuring someone as intoxicated as Angelina.

The next morning, Angelina attempted to make amends with the man whom she slapped and he accepted. Pauly D is nothing if he isn't forgiving. However, he quickly laid down the new situation, where they would no longer have the close relationship that they had previously.

Angelina coped by curling up -- snake-like -- and crying in her bed. The Situation knew that he had to call a meeting of the castmates in order to preserve the sanctity of the household. Speaking to the women, he begged them to allow Angelina into their inner circle and they reluctantly agreed on one condition: she admit to talking all that shit.

And lo and behold, in her only move that showed any semblance of class during her entire time on Jersey Shore, she actually did admit to the contemptible things she had previously said. It is difficult to hold any real trust in how much Angelina can refrain from hurting those around her as the season progresses, but if Snooki and JWoww can forgive her, I will too.

For now.

The cast begins their job at the gelato shop in this episode, and much of this action should go down in television history as some of the most creative, interesting footage ever shot. From JWoww's too-tight shirt to Vinny's relationship with the owner to The Situations failed marketing techniques to Snooki's stool and sore vagina, everything that went on during these scenes was nothing less than groundbreaking. I could watch hour after hour of just the cast working at the gelato shop -- without their equally exciting post-work life. In many ways, I think the job storyline is the one that we all come to see the most.

If anything could top it, though, it was The Mystery of Vinny and Snooki's Fateful Night.

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The Mystery of Vinny and Snooki's Fateful Night

The sexual tension was palpable even before the two joined their friends at the club, with each commenting on their mutual hotness. Vinny claimed he wasn't trying to smooch, but even Pauly D wasn't sure, and he said as much to the confessional. After their cocktails were consumed, the two returned home and Snooki attempted to call her boyfriend Emilio as Vinny lay passed out in the adjacent beanbag chair. Snooki's phone call was little more than hiccups and flipped tables, but was her awkward and clumsy behavior because of all the alcohol she drank, or was it because her heart was all a-flutter at thought of Vinny?

The two soon found themselves in Vinny's bed and the charmingly blunt Snooki asked if he wanted to [have intercourse] (Edited for all of the children who read this). Vinny replied, "Sure."

And then those cruel MTV producers left the question unanswered! How could they deprive us of such information?! I pray that we get more insight into what happened with these two in the (near) future, but the look of guilt on Vinny's face when he answered Emilio's phone call said a lot.

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The crux of the episode, though, focused on the tumultuousness of Ronnie and Sammi's relationship. Once again, I felt moved to tears as I watched Ronnie continually prove his love to his soulmate Sammi. Sure, he was occasionally met with temptation by various Cuban women, but the fact that he continually crawled into bed with her afterwards shows that his heart truly belongs to Sammi. If anything, the moments of weakness with random club girls prove just how lucky Sammi is to have him. He could have any grenade he wants, and he always ends up back with her. Michael Bolton was right, love is a wonderful thing.

Ah, but to be honest, I'm still just coming down from the heart-pumping excitement of this episode. And I mean that in the most literal way possible. My heart has been beating 200 times a minute. Also my arm is going somewhat numb. But a good Jersey Shore episode will do that to a man. And "Creepin'" was one of the best.

OVERALL GRADE: A+

Best (and Worst) of 2010...so far

2010-08-10T14:49:00.013-05:00

I had meant to do this in July because, well, that's the halfway point of the calender year. But then things came up (Person Unknown marathon on NBC, lots of Mexican food) and I never got around to it. So here we are, in the middle of August and I'm going to write it because I care about keeping you, dear reader, up-to-date on what I liked (and disliked) from the first half of the first year of the second decade of the third millennium.

Best Movie: Inception

Being the best movie in the first half of the year is like winning a footrace against a bunch of double amputees (and I'm not talking about any of those cyborg-leg runners...my fat-ass can't compete with them). Sure, there's always a handful of decent films released in the early months, but a majority of studios tend to wait until the fall and winter in order to better help with Oscar chances. Still, Inception was simply a spectacular film and will likely hold its own against the movies released in the latter half of the year as well.

Honorable Mentions:

--Shutter Island - One of the few films that I think can unequivocally be called better than the book it was based on.
--The Crazies - There's nothing about this movie that makes it really standout, but it was a well-made addition to the genre.
--Brooklyn's Finest - Underseen cop drama with several strong performances and a great sense of atmosphere and tension.
--MacGruber - Criminally underrated. Had some of the best laugh-out-loud moments of the year and ignited the spoof genre which has fallen into a downright depressing rut (see: Vampires Suck)
--Splice - An absolutely terrible film, but it gets an honorable mention because it was also my favorite theater-going experience since Grindhouse.

Films I should have probably seen before I put this list together:

Toy Story 3, The Kids Are All Right, Dogtooth, Restrepo, Winter's Bone, The Human Centipede

Worst Movie: The Wolfman

I watch True Blood, even though I find very few positive attributes. But again, I do watch it...partially because it has some camp value...partially because it shows a lot of boobs. One thing I do appreciate about it, however is that, with the introduction of werewolves in the current season, Alan Ball and company decided to just use real wolves to represent the transmogrified humans. It's far more effective than the distractingly awful make-up design used in The Wolfman, just one of a dozen of issues plaguing this terrible adaptation of the classic horror story. Not only was this the worst film of the year, I would go so far as to say it was one of the worst films I've ever seen (at least in the category of films that were actually trying to be competently made.) It made Avatar look as good as people originally thought Avatar was before they realized how terrible it was. The Wolfman is that bad.

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Best T.V. Show: Breaking Bad

If you read this blog with any frequency (and thank you if you do), this was a no brainer. Season Three of Breaking Bad should go down in history as one of the best -- if not the best -- seasons ever put on the air.

Honorable Mentions:

--Justified - What started out as simply a Timothy Olyphant acting clinic with some otherwise weak writing turned into an exciting and daring season as a whole. Very excited for season two.
--Parks and Recreation - Really hit its stride as the calender flipped from 2009 to 2010. Maybe the best sitcom on television, which is probably why NBC bumped it to mid-season.
--Community - Much like Parks and Rec, overcame a slow start to become with a great (and hilarious) understanding of what kind of show it wants to be. Plus, the "Modern Warfare" episode might go down as one of the best in sitcom history
--Check it Out! With Dr. Steve Brule - John C. Reilly's finest work? John C. Reilly's finest work.

Worst T.V. Show: 100 Questions

So terrible, it took me a while to believe that it wasn't just a parody of bad sitcoms. The one good thing about it, though, is that it makes a great drinking game. Take a swig every time the laughtrack operator is trying to hard. You'll be hammered by the first commercial break.

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Best Album - How I Got Over by The Roots

Who would have thought Jimmy Fallon's house band could do it without him? In all seriousness, The Roots have been one of the most consistently great hip hop groups working today and their new album is a perfect mix of rap, jazz, and R&B. There's a darkness that envelopes every song. Forget The Cure, this is the soundtrack to the end of the world.

Honorable Mentions:
--The Adventures of Bobby Ray by B.o.B. - I know a lot of people who thought this was a disappointing debut from the otherwise talented B.o.B., but I loved this genre-bending, breezy album.
--Transference by Spoon - The best indie rock album of the year (yes better than the overrated new Arcade Fire disc). They go in a new direction every album it seems, but it always works.
--Culdesac by Childish Gambino - Also known as Donald Glover of Community fame, Gambino's free-to-download new album makes up for his somewhat generic voice with some of the best lyricism of the year.
--This is Happening by LCD Soundsystem - If this is James Murphy's last album, he's going out with a bang (or better yet, a pow).
--Recovery by Eminem - While not the game-changer I had hoped it would be, easily his best album since The Eminem Show.
--More About Nothing by Wale - Technically a mixtape, but this sequel to his previous Seinfeld-themed collection might even be better than the original.
--Of the Blue Colour of the Sky by OK Go - Still probably more known for their music videos than their music, the newest CD by OK Go shouldn't be ignored. It's all very Prince-like and works as a great new direction for this underrated band.

Best Song: (tie) "Drunk Girls" by LCD Soundsystem and "Bang Bang Bang" by Mark Ronson and the Business Intl

"Girls" is so great because it can be enjoyed on two different levels: the fratboy who loves screaming about drunk girls, and the hipster who totally loves the irony of it all. Or if you're like me, both.

"Bang Bang Bang" takes something that usually annoys me (80's style!) and makes it very fun and tongue-in-cheek with a fun beat, some cool Q-Tip verses, and the French language. Plus, it is easily the best video of the year (though OK Go could argue for both of their versions "This Too Shall Pass").

Honorable Mentions:
--"Who Dat" by J. Cole - If all is right in the world, he will be one of the most popular rappers in the game when his album comes out later this year.
--"G.R.I.N.D." by Asher Roth - Give the whiteboy credit, he's got talent. And this fun, uplifting song showcases it well.
--"Hot-n-Fun" by N.E.R.D. - Fittingly, this song is both hot and fun. I can't wait for their new album because you just never know when they will stop making them.
--"For the Summer" by Ray LaMontagne and the Pariah Dogs - I dare you to find me 10 greater voices than LaMontagne. Such a great song to "chill" to (yeah, that's what us kids do).
--"The Fire" by The Roots - It'd be a great song without John Legend on the hook, but he sure doesn't hurt.
--"Written in Reverse" by Spoon - A refreshingly underproduced rock song that crunches like dry cereal.
--"The Black N Gold" by Wale - Possibly the first Stephen Strasburg reference in rap history. Hopefully not the last.

Worst Song: "Alejandro" by Lady Gaga

It's one thing to be a hermaphrodite goblin with no talent other than being human syrup of ipecac, but it's a whole other ballgame to rip-off and sully the talents of Ace of Base. But in all seriousness, I heard her Lollapalooza set was great. I mean, she wore Xs over her nipples and had blood fall out of her mouth. What a free spirit!

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So there you have it. What did I miss (probably a lot)? Feel free to berate me in the comments.

TV Review: Rubicon - "Keep the Ends Out"

2010-08-09T15:18:00.003-05:00

Last night, I got about ten minutes into watching Rubicon when I completely fell asleep. You would think that this wouldn't bode well for the episode in general, but I put more blame on the fact that I didn't get home until 5:30 a.m. the night before (and then had to work at 11) than anything to do with the slow-natured pace of the show. But I do think some people might give up on Rubicon more quickly than they should because they connote slow with boring. Sure, sometimes that can be the case, but I think this show is working towards a big payoff. At least I hope so because after another well-executed episode, I will probably be into this one for the long haul.

After getting deeper into the Katherine Rhumor storyline last week, she is all but ignored (minus a few very quick, seemingly go-nowhere scenes) and the focus was shifted almost completely on Will. When his brother-in-law, Evan, shows up asking for the motorcycle David gave to Will just before his death, Will reluctantly agrees -- but not before he discovers a couple of secrets that David may or may not have left behind for Will to discover. The first was a list of dozens of 10-digit numbers and the second was a handgun.

With Ed's help, Will was eventually able to figure out that most of the numbers were the dates of 27 New York Yankees World Series victories. Because Will hates the Yankees (are we supposed to automatically assume he's a Red Sox fan now?), this was the key that the message was meant for him. Soon after, Ed narrows down one of the other number sets as a reference to a baseball player named Allan Travers who infamously got shelled as a replacement pitcher during a Detroit Tigers strike in 1912. This, according to Ed at least, signifies that Will and Ed have figured out the solving method and leads them to discovering the rest of the message -- a list of seven names that Will asks a friend of some sort to "run them through his database."

The pieces of the puzzle aren't even all on the table, so we can't really begin to put anything together yet, but I do like the idea of David sending messages from beyond the grave*. Of course, as Will starts to discover more of these pieces of evidence, the more danger he is putting himself in. He decides to finally confront the man that is following him and ends up getting a punch to the stomach for his troubles. But, we soon learn that this man was actually an FBI agent hired by Will's agency to tail him as part of a trial period for his new security clearance. Unfortunately, one follower begets another as a man working with Isiah Whitlock's character is also tailing him around town.

Back at the office, we don't get much progression on the George Beck research, but that's the point. There seems to be very little in his past that signifies he's any kind of nefarious figure (other than eating lunch with arms dealer Yuri Popovich, that is). Miles, who starts out indifferent to the case at hand, soon becomes obsessed when he discovers how perfect Beck's life seems. Miles' own family life is apparently in shambles and he's clearly desperate to fix things with his wife and kids. In many ways, he seems to be supremely jealous of Beck, a man he knows very little about.

I think the most telling scene though came near the end of the episode when Will holds the gun he found in David's bike seat. Like Chekhov said, you don't show a gun on screen unless it's going to eventually be fired. Rubicon might be progressing slowly right now, but the depth of everything going on shows that violence is inevitable.

Lingering Thoughts

- *Or is David dead? The line that closed the first episode where the conspiracy members wonder aloud if Tom Rhumor might still be alive makes me wonder about anybody's mortality on this show.

- The one thing that bothers me is that each of the last two episodes has ended with a brief scene that confirms that the conspiracy is onto the fact that Will is slowly becoming onto them, but neither has offered us any more that that. I'm afraid that more episodes are going to end with Isiah Whitlock calling his bosses and saying things like "Travers is in the maze and smells the cheese."

- Evan Hadas apparently had some kind of mental breakdown. Will this matter in the big picture or is this just a passing character trait?

- Who is the Daniel Barnes that Will called to get info on the names? He seemed to be joking about possibly getting fired for looking into them, but where does he work?

- A U.S. News and World Report survey has Grant listed as only the 26th worst U.S. president out of the 43 we've had so far. The top five worst are, in order:

1. Andrew Johnson
2. James Buchanan
3. Warren Harding
4. Franklin Pierce
5. George W. Bush

OVERALL GRADE: B+

*

Movie Review: Salt

2010-08-06T15:37:00.004-05:00

Suspension of disbelief and summer blockbusters go hand in hand, and with Salt, you better have some man hands.

Angelina Jolie plays the title character -- first name Evelyn -- a CIA agent who is accused of being a Cold War era Russia mole implanted within the U.S. Government. So she runs -- before partner Liev Schreiber and counter-intelligence agent Chiwetel Ejiofor (someone get him better roles, please) can catch her. The big twist isn't whether or not this claim is true, because we learn very early on that it is. No, the real mystery is if Salt still holds allegiance to the madman who created her (and other like her), or if her years in America married to her German arachnologist husband have softened her brainwashed mind.

Phillip Noyce is best known for so-called serious action movies like the Harrison Ford-starring Jack Ryan films, and it seems he takes things a bit too serious here as well. That being said, the action sequences are all top-notch and he gets believable performances out his actors in an otherwise unbelievable storyline (of course he is lucky to have three very good actors in the lead roles, which doesn't hurt). And to give credit to the man and the script by Kurt Wimmer and Brian Helgeland, there is a final twist that was set-up from miles away yet still ended up being pretty surprising.

I think the film's main problem, though, is that there's nothing particularly memorable about it. Sure, it's competently made enough, but there's nothing that makes it stand out from every other Jason Bourne-ish action movie that has come out since the turn of the century.

OVERALL GRADE: B-

*

Cool Song: "All Things 'Go" by G.o.D. Jewels

2010-08-06T15:35:00.003-05:00

I'm not sure if this is my favorite song by G.o.D., but two things made me want to post it:

1.) It's about Chicago.

2.) It samples Sufjan Stevens' "Chicago"

Good enough for me.

*

TV Review: Jersey Shore - "The Hangover"

2010-08-05T23:27:00.003-05:00

I didn't think it would be possible for "The Hangover" to top the groundbreaking premiere of this season of Jersey Shore. Nay, I thought it would be downright impossible. How do you top perfection? Well, the unthinkable happened. The concept of perfection was cast to the wayside and the new concept of More Perfect Perfection was born.

Much of the episode dealt with the fallout of Ronnie and Sammi "Sweethearts" first episode squabble. It seemed like this couple, the embodiment of true love, might dishearten the entire nation and fall apart. Ronnie broke gentleman rule number one by triple-kissing a couple of grenades and, after returning to the house, proceeded to brag to the other men that he was going to sleep with Sammi that very night. And he did just that, but woke with the memories of the night before being hazy at best.

Of course, a man of honor such as him knows that if you forget what happened, it didn't happen. But even this unalienable truth was in jeopardy because the treacherous Angelina had witnessed everything. It is only a matter of time before she informs Sammi about what she may or may not have seen. Luckily, Ronni is nothing if he isn't cunning and came up with a fool-proof plan: telling Sammi that he just danced with girls and didn't make out with anyone. Problem solved.

But, alas, it seems as if the events of that fateful evening might not even play a factor as Sammi found a new chink in Ronnie' otherwise unchinkable armor: his ex-girlfriend's name in his phone book. After a brief quarrel, he calmed the flames of Sammi's passion by explaining how this ex-girlfriend was the one who convinced Ronnie to give Sammi another chance.

I don't know who this undoubtedly beautiful woman is, but I want to take this time to thank her on behalf of all of America. Without her conversation with Ronnie, we might not have been able to behold the heartwarming scene where Ronnie got a tattoo on his torso and needed Sammi at his side to comfort him through the painful process. I nearly teared up myself thinking of Ronnie in tears, but I was so happy to see that Sammi was there for him. I hope I can find someone that caring myself someday, but I know that angels like Sammi only come along once in a lifetime.

Sigh.

On the Angelina-front, her strained relationships with the ladies hasn't improved. What bothers me the most is that Snooki and JWoww giver her the chance to just admit that she talked mad shit about them and their boyfriends, but she still refuses. She even told such stand-up gents as Joey Yanks and Jay-420. Is nothing sacred?

JWoww, much like Eleanor Roosevelt, is a strong-willed woman who also exudes a certain level of grace that Angelina could only dream of. Even when she threated to beat Angelina's ass if she stays, she did so with a certain je ne sais quoi that nearly made me feel faint.

As if Angelina's behavior with the women of the household wasn't bad enough, the two men with hearts big enough to try and accept her disgusting flaws--The Situation and Pauly D--also found what it's like to be at the feet of her wrath. Which brings us to the terrifyingly real scene: Angelina and the Fateful Slapping of Pauly D

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Angelina and the Fateful Slapping of Pauly D

While at the club, Pauly D did what any young man would do during a night on the town: make out with engaged women. When Angelina had the nerve to bring this to his attention, he cast her aside.

Clearly she was just jealous of the lucky bar patron who will undoubtedly be thinking of Pauly D on her wedding night as her pathetic-in-comparison new husband attempts to fruitlessly stab at her genitals with his meager penis. Angelina even tried to say she loved him. I cannot think of any way to make the power and meaning of love seem so senseless.

And yet all of this behavior was only the icing on the cake of excrement that was her behavior that evening. Without remorse, she reared back with her cockroach-like arm and dared to slap Pauly D across the face.

If Pauly D had murdered her on the spot, there wouldn't be a jury on the planet who'd even consider convicting him. If anything, he'd be awarded some sort of cash prize. But Pauly D is a man amongst boys and withheld his urge to decapitate her, instead telling her that her actions have now put an end to her last two friends in the household. Angelina is rightfully on her own for the rest of the season. And good riddance, I might add.

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Luckily for us, there was also a fair amount of humor in this episode. Most blatant was that the housemates will soon be working in a gelato shop. Can you imagine? These prince and princesses (and Angelina) working in the food industry? It'd be like Jesus Christ himself being employed at Home Depot. Sure, he has the carpentry skills, but he (like the cast of Jersey Shore) deserve so much better.

In a less humorous cuisine-related incident, the delicious chicken dinner prepared by The Situation and others was ruined when Snooki accidentally let it fall onto the floor. It is hard to blame her though because she was wearing her new $395 jewel-encrusted sunglasses, so it was probably difficult to see where the dish was placed in the fridge when she opened it. But when you purchase an item as elegant as those glasses, you have to gain the most attention from them as possible. The cast was forced to order carry-out. I can only imagine how delicious their destroyed meal would have been, though. I have to assume it would be as close to ambrosia as a mortal could taste.

Come join me next week as we look in on the lingering effects of Angelina and the Fateful Slapping of Pauly D. We'll also see if she can do anything to soften the tension between her and the other women (not likely) and if Vinny will finally do something remotely interesting (much more likely...he's due).

OVERALL GRADE: A+

*

Cool Song: "The Black N Gold" by Wale

2010-08-05T10:38:00.003-05:00

Wale's debut album, Attention Deficit is really, really good. I don't think people got into it nearly as much as they should have because some of the singles were weak and Lady Gaga curses everything with her talentless fire-breath. But, trust me it's good.

Anyway, he released a new mixtape the other day called More About Nothing, a sequel of sorts to his previous Seinfeld-themed (sort of) tape, The Mixtape About Nothing. The first one is a straight-up classic and after first listen, the sequel is pretty close in stature.

Here's probably my favorite song. It's admittedly not much more than a catchy club anthem, but it's one very well done one.

(Bonus: Stephen Strasburg reference!)

*

TV Review: Rubicon - "The First Day of School"

2010-08-01T21:01:00.003-05:00

The funny thing about AMC showing the first episode of Rubicon weeks before the second is that it has made the second feel somewhat like a brand new season premiere. It doesn't just have to do with the gap between airings; even the plot developments point to the tropes of what happens in a lot of serialized premieres.

For example, in the previous episode, a seemingly main character (David) died and our protagonist (Will) took over his position, as if the story arc has progressed after a season of Will in the bullpen at their intelligence agency (or whatever), so to speak. Kind of reminds you when Jimmy McNulty's career is sent in the opposite direction to harbor patrol in season two of The Wire, doesn't it?

Here's another one. Miranda Richardson's character had barely anything to do with the first episode other than witnessing her husband's suicide (or whatever), but you obviously knew she'd play a bigger part going forward. Not unlike when Ana-Lucia popped up in the season one finale of LOST? Am I right? Eh? Eh?

Even the minor cliffhanger where the members of the conspiracy (or whatever) have their little meeting almost felt like a confirmation of their existence after what could have been a season of doubt.

And when it comes down to it, that's what I liked about the first and now second episodes of Rubicon: the writers have plopped us in the middle of something and we wont have our hands held as we try to navigate what the hell is going on.

One of the flaws I've read critics make about Inception is that at times it is too expository and that Ellen Page's character was too blatantly used as the audience's translator to the logistics of the plot. I personally didn't think this was a problem because it was done pretty gracefully and (more importantly) it was necessary, so who cares. But Rubicon doesn't have a character like that (at least not yet--I can see the Tanya character possibly heading in that direction). Our gateway into this world is how we choose to comprehend. Much like the code breakers and puzzle solvers the show revolves around, we don't get a key (or at least much of one) other than the one we create ourselves.

In terms of overall plot, "The First Day of School" moved forward at a casual but interesting rate. Will's bosses (Kale and Truxton--which I'm going to assume aren't actual human names) have him and his team try and find out information about a Russian arms broker named Yuri Popovich (relationship to Gregg Popovich is currently unknown) and they come up with very little. Definitely not enough to please Truxton. And when they don't seem to have their heads in the game, Will snaps at the team of which he used to be a lowly member.

To be fair, though, his head isn't exactly in the game either. He's become too obsessed with the inconsistencies surrounding David's death and spends high-quality Popovich time trying to figure out if his former boss was trying to send a message. Parking in spot number 13 before his fateful train ride was clue number one. When he goes to Ed Bancroft with this information, the chess-playing old man reveals two interesting facts:

1.) David had left behind a code-key that can be solved by finding the right combinations of letters in the right book. When Will finds the book in David's former/his current office, he figures out the message: "They hide in plain sight."

2.) In the 1980s, Ed wrote a similar code to the one Will finds in the crossword puzzle in the pilot. His acted as some sort of go-code to be understood by seven "participants." Knowing this, and with information he gains secretly from an associate at work, Will realizes that the current crossword pattern was also go-code, this time to signal when it is okay to retaliate against a Hezbollah car bombing that killed 220 marines.

Meanwhile, our other seemingly main protagonist, Katherine Rhumor learns that her late husband had--only a week before his death--edited his will to leave her one of his companies and a secret townhouse on the Upper East Side. After exploring it, she is convinced that he was having an affair, but the discovery of a four-leaf clover seems to also make her think something else may have been afoot.

Also, she has a conversation with a man whose name I don't remember but who is a part of the conspiracy group. This isn't too shocking since it's pretty clear her husband was also a member, but I do think it's important to note.

I wonder how long Will and Katherine will be conducting their separate investigations before the become aware of each other?

Lingering Thoughts

- Truxton seems somewhat incompetent and bumbling compared to Kale, no?

- What do you make of Will almost getting hit by a cab? Coincidence or some kind of message?

- This episode had some really well-done sound design; especially in the scene where it seems someone has followed Will to his apartment door.

- The one character that is bothering me, and not necessarily in the intended way, is Grant. He's a dick and I get that he's supposed to be a dick, but he just doesn't seem like a realistic dick. Unlike Tanya and Miles who are somewhat interesting in the limited time we've gotten to know them, Grant has just been distracting.

- Speaking of the team, it appears that Maggie is reporting to Kale about their habits and actions. She appears to have other secrets as well, with the show implying that she only gets to take care of her daughter because a higher power allows her to.

- In her report, Maggie says that she thinks Tanya has a drinking problem. I think it's either a pregnancy or she's quit smoking. I'm leaning towards the former.

- Will is being watched from across the street in an empty office building by none other than Senator Clay Davis. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.

OVERALL GRADE: A-

*

An Ode to the Brave Stranger Who Edited the Father of the Bride Part II Wikipedia Page

2010-07-31T09:41:00.004-05:00

I swear to God I didn't do this, but I find it hilarious. Someone edited the Father of the Bride Part II Wikipedia page with completely incorrect information and it was quickly fixed a few minutes later, but I was lucky enough to catch it the first time through. Let's look at each section.

HEADLINE:

Father of the Bride Part II is a 1995 comedy film starring Steve Martin, Fred Gwynne and Howard Hessman. The film received an Academy Award.

Fred Gwynne and Howard Hessman are not in Father of the Bride Part II. It did not win any Academy awards.

PLOT:

Picking up a few months after where the last movie left off, Annie has reasons to believe that her new husband, Bryan, is having an affair. So, with her father's support, she decides to leave him. And so, the story-line of Father of the Bride Part II revolves around the specifics of the couple's divorce.

Throughout the divorce process, the Banks family, specifically Steve Martin's character, are faced with the same financial embarrassments as during the wedding while the groom's family once again display their upper-class snootiness along with the depth of their pockets. This is particularly obvious when the two family's meet up with their attorneys for the divorce. The groom's family is able to afford a well-spoken upstart from one of the most respected firms in the country, while the Bank's lawyer, played by Howard Hesseman, could be considered a half-wit at best.

Almost immediately, a tense rivalry is established between Steve Martin's character and the judge that is overseeing the divorce (played by the late Fred Gwynne). The klutz-prone Banks begins inadvertently wreaking havoc on the day-to-day life of the judge. The primary folly of Martin and the judge centers around numerous mishaps while borrowing the judge's automobile, which ultimately is returned in a severely battered condition. This "wrong-foot" relationship becomes yet another hurdle for Banks to overcome.

Although the groom eventually agrees to a divorce, he, from the beginning, has denied any involvement in an affair. Banks, who has stood by his daughters side throughout the conflict, miraculously stumbles upon evidence proving the groom to be telling the truth. Even with his disdain for the groom's family, Banks decides that the truth must be told and he must save his daughter from making the wrong decision. His discovery, however, has come within only hours of the final court decision and a wild race against time, Martin desperately tries to make it to the court house before the final ruling.

The final scene takes place in the court room. The judge, about to announce his verdict, gives one final opening for appeal by announcing that "whoever objects should speak now or forever hold their peace." At this moment Banks bursts open the door, demanding to be heard. However, after weeks of exhaustive missteps between him and Banks, the judge is not so easily won over. Eventually, he allows him to speak, and after a stirring, heart (and evidence) filled speech, the entire courtroom is convinced, along with the judge. He demonstrates his newfound respect for Banks by ruling "in favor of the father of the bride."

The whole movie is about Annie having a baby and the Banks family trying to sell their house. Hell, here's what the actual, now updated plot on the Wikipedia page is.

In this sequel to the hit comedy "Father of the Bride," George Banks (Steve Martin) continues to fret even after his daughter's wedding—this time because she's pregnant and he's about to become a grandfather. He experiences even more angst when his wife discovers she's pregnant too. Comic confusion transpires as the beleaguered patriarch prepares for the two new additions to his family. Joining in the fun are Franck Egglehoffer (Martin Short) and his assistant Howard Weinstein (B.D. Wong), who are now no longer wedding planners but a pair of equally wacky home decorators. The movie ends with Annie, Bryan and baby George moving to Boston while George, Nina, Matty (with baby Megan in the perambulator) are standing at their (Banks family) driveway and waving at them.

Did you want some insane film trivia to go along with it? Okay!

TRIVIA:

Howard Hesseman would later go on to win Best Supporting Actor, for his role as the Banks' lawyer, at that year's Academy Awards, only to raise a few eyebrows by accepting the award, in character, as Dr. Johnny Fever, a prior role of his from the mildly-popular, late-70's sitcom, WKRP In Cincinnati.

Fred Gwynne, who was casted to play the role of the judge, died only 3 weeks into the shooting of the film. Instead of replacing him, the remaining scenes involved a mix of Computer Generated Imagery and footage from his role as the judge from My Cousin Vinny with a vocal-impressionist used for overdubs. This option to keep Gwynne as the role was most-likely influenced from the then recent success of The Crow in which the film was finished despite the untimely death of Brandon Lee. The decision was the source of huge disagreement among the producers and in hindsight has been acknowledged by all involved as a mistake that may have even hurt the film.

And then the icing on the cake, here's the soundtrack listing.

SOUNDTRACK:

Alan Silvestri returned to score the music for the Father of the Bride Part II film. The officially release soundtrack album contains the following 15 tracks:

1. Give Me The Simple Life (Performed by Steve Tyrell)
2. Annie Returns
3. Here Comes the Judge (Judge Tinkleberry's Theme)
4. The Way You Look Tonight (Performed by Steve Tyrell)
5. Drivin' Me Crazy
6. You Gotta Be Kiddin' Me
7. When The Saints Go Marching In (By Fats Domino)
8. Summer Montage
9. George Walks
10. Remembering Annie (Squirrel Montage) (By Ralph Waldman)
11. Ain't Nobody Cheatin'
12. Rush Down Corridor
13. George Tells a Story About Divorce
14. On the Sunny Side of the Street (Performed by Steve Tyrell)
15. End Credit Suite

Again, to compare, here's the real soundtrack.

Alan Silvestri returned to score the music for the Father of the Bride Part II film. The officially release soundtrack album contains the following 15 tracks:

1. Give Me The Simple Life (Performed by Steve Tyrell)
2. Annie Returns
3. Jubilant George
4. The Way You Look Tonight (Performed by Steve Tyrell)
5. New Baby Suite
6. At Last (Performed by Etta James)
7. When The Saints Go Marching In (By Fats Domino)
8 Summer Montage
9. George Walks
10. Remembering Annie (Basketball Montage) (By Ralph Waldman)
11. We're Having a Baby
12. Rush Down Corridor
13. George Tells a Story
14. On the Sunny Side of the Street (Performed by Steve Tyrell)
15. End Credit Suite

I don't know who took the time to come up with the idea of a Squirrel Montage, but I want to shake his hand.

And to whoever fixed it, you should be ashamed of yourself.

*

TV Review: Jersey Shore - "Let's Hit the South"

2010-07-29T22:41:00.006-05:00

When Anthony Beltempo, a humble man of humble origins, set about to create the greatest television show in the history of the medium, I'm sure some doubted him. What would be the point of developing a show where eight young adults with varying degrees of Italian descent and strong moral and social character live together on the shores of the Garden State? Who would watch a program where these prince and princesses of my generation express their calm, collected views on the world, while also learning a bit about what it means to be young in America?

Much to probably even Mr. Beltempo's surprise, Jersey Shore became a massive, runaway hit and once its first season came to its heartbreaking conclusion, many thought this would be the last time we saw Vinny, JWoww, Angelina, The Situation, DJ Pauly D, Ronnie, Sammi "Sweetheart", and--of course--Snooki.

But then, like a beacon of righteousness from paradise itself, MTV announced that Jersey Shore would be returning. But with accurate nomenclature being but an afterthought for the network's programming executives, the cast moved on from Seaside Heights, New Jersey and set up camp in a town where it has been said that "the heat is on, all night on the beach 'til the break of dawn." Miami, Florida--home of the three-headed NBA monster of Zydrunas Ilgauskas, Eddie House, and Juwan Howard--will be our gateway to the lives of this down-to-earth bunch for the next two months.

But, of course, the first step is getting there. While the likes of Vinny, Sammi, Ronnie, and Angelina use commercial air travel for their transportation means, the team of Pauly D and The Situation have a competing roadtrip with the team of JWoww and Snooki.

As a great man once said, "It's not the destination, it's the journey." And as another great man once said about the snowy winters of the American Northeast, "Can't get tan in this weather. Can't creep in this weather. Can't do anything." And while I must spoil you, dear reader, with the knowledge that Pauly D and The Situation actually reach their destination first, I must also implore you to follow along as I recount the two teams' many interesting adventures along the way.

Well, at least the one adventure each team had.

Pauly D and The Situation decided to take advantage of South Carolina's lax fireworks laws by lighting off some in an empty field. But low and behold, their truck quickly becomes "mad stuck" in the muddy field and AAA must be called to pull it out. But then, in a development that surely rivals shows like The Wire regarding the systemic failures of American not-for-profit driver assistance organizations, the AAA truck too got stuck in the mud. It was only when a second AAA truck arrived to pull both vehicles out of the sopping wet earth that the two men were able to continue on their journey.

Meanwhile, in Savannah, Georgia, Snooki and JWoww stopped at a local watering hole and found it to be quite different from the majestic clubs they are used to. When a disgusting young man with pale skin and biceps that are unable to crush a full beer can came over and attempted to make conversation with the two lovely ladies, it was clear that they were not impressed by his antics. However, not being one to withhold the man an opportunity to improve on his feeble pick-up attempts, Snooki gave him the chance to show off his fist-pumping skills. Unfortunately for the man and for us viewers forced to witness it, his display was both disgusting and possibly sacrilegious. With nary a hint of regret, these two divas continued on their journey to South Beach.

Once the cast all arrived, the claiming of the rooms became a Machiavellian battle of wills. Throwing a wrench into the equation was the return of Angelina, the traitor of season one. Leaving to be with her boyfriend of the time is an understandable offense, but to then "talk shit" behind the backs of the infallible women of the cast is inexcusable. Snooki, JWoww, and Sammi are the epitome of class and Angelina, while not without her own moments of grace, still pales in comparison to that trio's uninterrupted grace.

While Pauly D and the Situation had originally planned on sharing the two-bedded room, once Angelina asked to also join them, they obliged...for the good of the house. The Situation is nothing if he isn't a peacemaker.

The other dilemma on the hands of the housemates was whether or not Ronnie and Sammi could coexist. But the tension was immediate as they ended up claiming rooms directly across from each other--Sammi with the other two girls and Ronnie with Vinny. More on these two after one quick aside about Angelina and the Fateful Cab Ride to the Club.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Angelina and the Fateful Cab Ride to the Club

After the cast had settled into their new home with only a few minor clothing related casualties, the eight most respected human beings on the planet (or at least they should be) headed out into the night to do what they do best, get creepy. However a problem quickly emerged as the men rode to the club in one cab and the women road to the club in another.

These three strong-willed, almost Joan of Arc-like women being in a confined space together along with Angelina lead to an inevitable clash of intellectual greatness turned turpitude. As Sammi lamented about her woes with whether or not Ronnie is her true prince charming (again, more on this later), the witch-like Angelina had to speak up to declare that the women of the house were treating her in a disrespectful manor.

Respect, I ask? Respect? I would sooner respect a rat than a woman who dared speak badly about any one of these angels.

JWoww acted appropriately by threatening to harm Angelina who cowardly waved the duel declaration off. Once they finally reached the club, she sulked in the corner, sipping on her drink like Benedict Arnold in a push-up bra.

Now, back to a story that has gripped America, the relationship of Sammi and Ronnie.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sammi still has feelings for Ronnie and I think we'd all like to believe that he still has feelings for her. The two are like a young John F. Kennedy and Jackie Onassis. They always put their own dignity above all else and to be frank, the world is a better place when they are together.

But young Ronnie had his heartbroken and on the way to the airport with his dirty guido friend behind the wheel, he spoke words that any man who has had his heartbroken has likely spoken or at least thought himself: "Fuck falling in love." He was fooled once out of his ambitions to not fall in love on the Jersey Shore, and he has now vowed to keep that goal true this second time around.

Of course, it is only natural for Ronnie to vent some of his frustration about his depression to his ex, Sammi. He uses language that I feel is unrepeatable in this review, however I don't judge him for using it. His use of the C-Word, while admittedly harsh, was also a true representation of his raw emotions and his desire to move on. Bravo, Ronnie. Bravo.

However, despite all of this, Sammi felt that it was time to at least temporarily separate herself from Ronnie's present state, in order to preserve their relationship's future. As she went home and wondered about what the next day would behold, Ronnie headed to another club with The Situation, Pauly D, Vinny, and the scoundrel Angelina.

Ronnie, being the passionate man he is, spent his time at B.E.D. expressing that passion with every girl he came across. I see nothing wrong with this as he has always been known as a lover of women, but his one downfall was masquerading around with quite a few grenades. He even committed the famed triple kiss with one, possibly two landmines. It is one thing to search for love among the attractive women of Miami, but grenades and landmines? I think not, Ronald!

A great many questions are left unanswered as the episode comes to its satisfying conclusion. What will become of Sammi and Ronnie's torrid affair? How will the aftermath of Angelina and the Fateful Cab Ride to the Club affect the already tenuous dynamics of the household. Can Snooki remain faithful to the "amazing gorilla juicehead" who she's been dating for the last two-and-a-half months? Will she eat more fried pickles? Will Vinny ever do anything interesting?

I hope that at least some of these mysteries are solved in the upcoming weeks and I also hope that all of my commercial breaks are filled with the more exciting movie trailers. For now, though I leave you with a apt history lesson administered to us by the lovely Snooki regarding the founders of this great nation:

"I feel like a pilgrim from the friggin' 20s washin' shit right now."

I think we all feel like that in a way, don't we?

OVERALL GRADE: A+

*

Movie Review: The Killer Inside Me

2010-07-28T00:08:00.003-05:00

Michael Winterbottom's adaptation of the 1952 novel The Killer Inside Me is a bloody little neo-noir film with some strong performances but not a lot of substance otherwise.

Casey Affleck play Lou Ford (not to be confused with former Minnesota Twin outfielder Lew Ford), a small town Texas sheriff who is also a lovely sociopath. After meeting and falling for a prostitute played by Jessica Alba (who I wish could say has a breakout performance in this somewhat small independent movie, but she's pretty bland), he decides to kill the son of a man who he believes is responsible for his own brother's death. Unfortunately this murder leads to more murders which lead to more murders as Ford gets more and more entrenched into his lies.

The film's violence is downright shocking, especially with its graphic scenes of Ford striking women. Casey Affleck plays the affectionless Ford with the right amount of coldness which makes these scenes hit even harder, so to speak.

Outside of Alba (and a ridiculous Bill Pullman as some kind of fake lawyer), the rest of the cast does a fine job, but their work seems wasted in a film that has little to offer than an eye into one man's madness. It's a chilling look, but not so chilling it makes up for a plot with very little emotional movement. It comes down to one act of violence after another; not too much that we become desensitized by it but also not enough that we feel any real connection to it either.

OVERALL GRADE: B-

*

Better Late Than Never Movie Review: The House of the Devil

2010-07-27T20:14:00.002-05:00

I haven't done one of these in a while, but today I received a copy of Ti West's The House of the Devil from a friend and watched it again and thought it was worthy of a few hundred words or so.

I had read much about it in the fall of 2009 and saw it on MTV of all places a few months ago, but I had a.) missed the first ten minutes and b.) had to deal with all of the censorship and commercials. I really don't like watching a movie for the first time on basic cable. If it's a movie I've seen before, sure, whatever. But the breaks really take something away from the viewing experience. That should show you how engaging and well-crafted is The House of the Devil that I felt compelled to sit through its MTV-related downfalls until the end.

But needless to say, I was excited to watch it again without said downfalls. (I also received--among other films--a copy of The Human Centipede, but I'm saving watching that one until I can get a group together for it. Films that important need to be experienced as a community).

HotD is a "satanic panic" horror film with a pretty simple story. And that's the point. The really, really, really, ridiculously good looking Jocelin Donahue plays a college sophomore who has found the perfect apartment but needs cash quick to make the first month's rent. She comes across a flyer for a babysitting gig and when she finds out it pays $100, she has her friend Megan drive her out to the house, a spooky old Victorian in the middle of nowhere.

The job turns out to be slightly more complicated than she originally thinks as the owner, Mr. Ulman, admits that it won't be a child that they need Samantha (the protagonist, duh), but actually his mother-in-law. But the woman is very self-sufficient and all Samantha will have to do is hang out for a few hours just in case of an emergency while the Ulmans go out to witness a lunar eclipse which will reach its peak (of course) at just past midnight. Feeling deceived, she wants to leave, but when the offer jumps up to $400 (more than enough to cover the rent), she agrees.

And what follows is a second act where one might say that nothing much happens. Samantha spends most of the time exploring the house, looking through their closets and such. In a spectacular sequence, she puts on her headphones and dances around to "One Thing Leads to Another."

What makes these long scenes of "nothing" so stressful to watch is the overall feeling of dread that has been permeating through this film the whole time. (Not to mention what happens to Megan after she drops off Samantha--one of the best horror movie shocks of recent years.) You keep waiting and waiting and waiting for something to happen to her, but the tension just keeps rising like thermometer mercury in July. We get hints towards what might be in store for her in the third act, but, if anything, these clues only make things more restless.

I won't get into details about the ultimate conclusion, but I will say that the concluding horror scenes are downright scary. The matter at hand is somewhat predictable, but again, that's the point. We've seen this all before and we're supposed to know the tropes of a standard, low-budget 1980s slasher/satanist film because this is the ultimate homage to one. West sets the film in the 80s for narrative reasons (he's not a fan of the instant communication of cell phones and the internet which can eliminate the tension of the whole "being alone" concept), but he's also waxing nostalgic on a format that any horror fan is well aware of. And he doesn't present it like a parody either. This thing is played straight--in all its Walkmen, feathered banged glory.

The 1980s period mise-en-scene is what makes The House of the Devil so memorable, but its distinguished writing and direction is what makes it so great.

OVERALL GRADE: A-

*

Self-Portrait of the Day

2010-07-27T13:35:00.005-05:00

And to the uninitiated, here's The Human Centipede trailer.

*

Cool Song: "Who Dat" by J. Cole

2010-07-26T14:49:00.002-05:00

The official anthem of Drew Breeses everywhere.

*

Cool Song: "Bang Bang Bang" by Mark Ronson & The Business Intl

2010-07-26T14:34:00.003-05:00

Great song. Greater video.

*

"One thing about Chicago, people know how to die."

2010-07-21T23:37:00.004-05:00

As if I didn't already want to see Get Low, Bill Murray showed up on Letterman tonight for a rare interview and dropped a clip that featured this line. That's just cool. Check out the trailer below.

*

Movie Review: Inception

2010-07-20T14:51:00.002-05:00

This isn't going to be so much a review as it will be a vaguely off-putting discussion about what really "happened" in Inception. The fact of the matter is, I loved the movie. I had pretty high expectations, but the truth is I find Christopher Nolan to be an average director who is treated like Hitchcock. Before Inception, his only movie I can safely say I enjoyed was The Prestige. i think outside of that he's shown a pretty unfortunate lack of narrative control; mainly with lackluster third acts that just kind of trail off. I think he's become more famous for making films that have one or two memorable qualities, but aren't particularly great films.

For example:

1.) Memento: It's all about the non-linear, reverse storyline. I like experimentation and all--and it's accomplished effectively enough here--but, the story needs to work first and foremost. If Memento was edited chronologically, it just wouldn't work. You could argue that that isn't the point and maybe not, but there a clear jumps in logic that get missed or ignored because the film is in reverse. I'm not saying Memento is a terrible film, but many list it among the best of the 2000s and I find that to be pretty suspect.

2.) Insomnia: I'm not sure if there is anything particularly memorable about this one, but I guess you could point to it being Nolan's follow-up to Memento and for Robin William's "dark" performance. Truth is, this movie just isn't very good.

3.) Batman Begins: A gritty reboot of a popular franchise? Check please! It's a cool looking film with great atmosphere (and I will admit, atmosphere is something Nolan handles extremely well), but as a story, it's very meh.

4.) The Prestige: Again, I just like this movie a lot. No complaints about any credit Nolan got for this one.

5.) The Dark Knight: If it wasn't for Heath Ledger's phenomenal performance, would people really be so head over heels for this movie? He owns this movie and every scene without him seems like a roadblock towards getting back to him. And I point to the (Goddamned) Ferry Scene as being one of the most poorly executed sequences of the past decade. I hate that scene so (Goddamned) much.

So then we get to Inception and while I had my doubts about Nolan's artistry going into it, I was still really excited. And why shouldn't I have been? We're talking about an original, intelligent thriller aimed toward adults and featuring a phenomenal cast. But my expectations were blown out of the water. And the funny thing is that the presentation of the narrative--something I think Nolan has struggled with in the past--is what really sets this film apart. Sure, there's a great deal of emotional depth to the storyline, but the most impressive aspect is how Nolan handles the exposition of what should be an extremely confusing film from a strictly narrative standpoint. It might sound dumb to be so excited about "knowing what the hell is going on," but hey, I am.

However, as I stated in the opening paragraph, this review isn't really a review at all. No, I want to discuss what "happened" in Inception. And mostly I want to respond to this article--passed along to me by a friend. In it, the author surmises that everything that happens in the film is one long extended dream in the mind of Leonardo DiCaprio's character, the ridiculously named Dom Cobb. (Speaking of terrible character names...Ariadne? Really? I know it has something to do with Greek mythology or what not, but still. That's brutal). He goes on to point to the fact that the film--and in turn, all films--is really just one shared dream that the audience gets to experience.

The author deserves credit because he defends his case quite well, but I just don't buy it for a couple reasons. First, the "it was all a dream" conceit is the ultimate literary cop-out. That doesn't mean it couldn't be the case or that it would automatically take something away from the finished product, but I just don't think Nolan would try that. When one of the only plot points revealed about the film up until its release was that it concerned dreams, he had to have known that many would wonder if the big "twist" at the end was going to be that everything we've seen is a dream. Like I said, it's possible, but I just like to think that despite his shortcoming, Nolan is better than that.

The second reason I don't buy the theory comes from how Nolan handles the concept of dreams in the first place. The cinematic ways that dreams are portrayed on film rarely work in my opinion. In general, dreams are filmed as kind of an art-house tangent of what the character is dealing with. Something is always off-putting and some kind of emotional or character trait is revealed and then the character wakes up and the story progresses in some way or another. But the problem is that dreams are strictly personal experiences. But dreams in movies tend to present a vantage point that we're watching the character's dream from a distance instead of experiencing the dream through their eyes. The concept can work in literature, but almost always seems to fall short in movies.

Nolan flipped the dream concept on its head in two ways. One, he makes dreams a sort of shared experience where people can join in and have craaaaazy adventures together. And two, dreams are some wild, uncontrollable tangent of the narration. Instead the dream world is somewhat of a (dare I say) Matrix-like alternate reality where characters can control not only their actions, but also the environment around them. Let's face it, the "dreams" in Inception aren't at all like dreams we experience in the real world. Which is actually great because it makes the concept of dreams work in a cinematic way when normally they do not.

So let's say this somehow is all Cobb's dream. Then why are there so many scenes that don't include him? In the final act as he goes deeper and deeper into the various dream worlds he leaves behind the Yusuf, Arthur, Eames in respective levels and while his unconscious consciousness (whoa) stays behind in each level, the bulk of the action is taking place through the other characters...be it driving in the rain, stacking bodies in an anti-gravity hotel elevator, or setting off explosions in a snowy mountain fortress. Why would he be dreaming these scenarios as he is off on his own adventures each time.

Moreover, let's not forget this is a narrative film and as the simultaneous storylines are going on, Nolan (quite successfully I might add) jump between them to more or less remind the audience of what's going on. It's almost becomes funny the fourth or fifth time we see the van plummeting in super slow motion into the water, but it serves a purpose. It serves no purpose to Cobb to--for lack of a better term--pay attention to what's going on here as he goes deeper and deeper into Fisher's dream. Yes, it's possible that he could just be dreaming about other characters, but I find no logic behind it.

The thing is, while I am fully confident that the whole movie isn't just one big dream for the two main reasons listed above, that doesn't mean I don't think the denouement could be construed as one. When Cobb finally gets to "go home," he spins the top and it wobbles but doesn't fall just before the credits come up. And that's the point: it doesn't fall so we have to think he's in a dream but that damn wobble casts doubt. Because Nolan may or may not have an answer in his own mind, but he doesn't want us to know it. Nor should he. If it fell or simply spun without interruption, we'd have one answer and probably be satisfied, but man that wobble makes us have something to talk about. It might not make the film purposely deeper but at the very least it does a great job of mimicking depth. I for one like to think that the final scene takes place in the "real world," but that's strictly my own personal opinion. It really doesn't matter.

In much the same way, though, the "it was all a dream" scenario could be argued both ways. Again, I don't buy it, but there's enough evidence on both sides that we'll never know for sure. And we aren't supposed to. At least I hope not. If Nolan comes out in an interview and says "Yeah, it was totally in Cobb's head the whole time," the movie will lose its value in my opinion. The uncertainty is what makes it so great. Hell, it's even brought up as a major possibility within the storyline itself when Cobb has his final "confrontation" with Mal. But the best movies are the ones we talk about days and weeks and months after we leave the theater. They don't always have to be so mysterious like Inception is, but it doesn't hurt when the overarching mystery is so damn intriguing.

OVERALL GRADE: A+

*

Trailer: The Town

2010-07-15T20:55:00.006-05:00

I think it's still okay to make fun of Ben Affleck for two reasons. 1.) His acting career has been about 82% terrible and 2.) He seems like a cool enough guy that he can take being mocked for it in stride. So I say keep going for it. You have my permission.

But to give credit where it's due, he's had a pretty spectacular directorial debut with Gone Baby Gone a few years ago. Now he's following that up with The Town which has a really cool Heat look to it. I'm most definitely beyond even saying I'm intrigued.

Check it out:

*

Miami Hate shirt at Crosstowntees.com

2010-07-09T20:45:00.004-05:00

I work for CrosstownTees.com and in light of the disgusting display of douchiness perpetrated by LeBron James last night, we created this t-shirt:

If you are interested, feel free to purchase one here. If you're not, whateva.

*

Cool Song: "G.R.I.N.D." by Asher Roth

2010-07-08T17:06:00.003-05:00

I was impressed by Asher Roth's ability when he first "hit the scene", but then his CD was kind of disappointing. Then I didn't listen to it for like six months and played it again and I liked it a lot more. Funny how music can do that.

Here's his new single off his forthcoming album:

*

Finally, someone has taken Haley Joel Osment's career seriously

2010-07-08T16:30:00.001-05:00

A few thoughts following the "news" that Wade and Bosh will be "playing" in "Miami" according to some "source."

2010-07-07T08:20:00.001-05:00

1.) If we've learned anything during the Free Agency period it's that believing in mysterious "sources" is probably not a great idea.

2.) Everyone is writing off LeBron and the Bulls now because he's having some announcement show is pretty dumb. If anything, I think it helps. Why would he put on a spectacle to announce he's sticking to the status quo? Sure it could mean NY is a bigger player, but I think it pushes Cleveland out of the picture a bit (though obviously not entirely)

3.) The Bulls did everything right. They didn't tank the season like the Nets or blowup their roster like the Knicks. They presented the best possible case for "winning" and if James/Wade/Bosh didn't care enough about that, they simply weren't going to sign here.

4.) Even if the Bulls end up "settling" for Carlos Boozer and whatever SG you can get off the scrap pile, they are still a much improved team. Boozer's is a very, very good player. There really isn't that much of a difference between him and Bosh, talent-wise. A combo of Rose, Noah, Boozer, Deng, Morrow/Allen/Redick/Mason Jr. would still likely win 50+ games.

*

Chicago Ass-Door of the Day (7/6/2010)

2010-07-06T21:51:00.003-05:00

Here's a disgusting freak of door nature I found in the same neighborhood as the door of the day. Good luck not eating glass after seeing it.

*

Chicago Door of the Day (7/6/2010)

2010-07-06T21:48:00.003-05:00

Here is a lovely west Lakeview door I found this afternoon.

*

Trailer: Let Me In

2010-07-01T11:35:00.006-05:00

Let the Right One In is one of my favorite movies of all time and actually knows how to make a vampire love story not suck like Twilight or True Blood (TB may have its campy, fun moments, but the scenes between Sookie and Bill are generally terrible).

Sure, as somewhat of a movie snob, I'm supposed to hate remakes of perfectly good foreign films, but I don't. And this one looks like it could be a pretty strong adaptation anyway. The trailer showcases the mood of dread that permeates throughout and the couple glimpses we get of Richard Jenkins in really bad 80s glasses are always welcome. Call me crazy, but I'm excited about this one.

*

Help me figure out who this man is; win a free blog post on a subject of your choosing

2010-06-29T19:23:00.004-05:00

I was out to dinner with my mother tonight at Mimi's Cafe in Orland Park, Illinois and this man and his wife sat down in the booth next to ours. Immediately he looked familiar, but I thought maybe I was imagining things.

Then their waitress all but proved he was some sore of V.I.P. She came out with free lemonade, soup, and muffins (all three being the cornerstone of Mimi's V.I.P. treatment) and talked about how great it was to have them in.

Now the man was wearing a Chicago Bears hat as well as a Bears/Colts Superbowl T-shirt. I don't think that automatically means he's a former Bear, but I wouldn't rule it out either.

Also, while we were eating, there was a little kid screaming the whole time across the room and on the way out, as I passed his table, he joked with me, saying "Do me a favor, take the kid with you." To which I lamely replied, "Uh, yeah, crazy kid lol hardeeharhar" or something like that. I'm not saying this is a clue to who he is either, but maybe hatred of loud children is the attribute that helps your brain connect to who he is.

It is bugging the living shit and therefore I'm going to pay out the biggest prize a poor blogger can provide on the internet. That's right, if you tell me who it is, you get a free blog post about the subject of your choosing. Imagine the possibilities!

Please, please, please let me know in the comments.

*

New Layout

2010-06-29T19:22:00.002-05:00

I did a new layout a year or so ago and asked for people opinion and everyone hated it. But I like this one, so I don't care about any of your opinions. Get a life, losers.

*

Cool Song: "Hot-N-Fun" by N.E.R.D (ft. Nelly Furtado)

2010-06-28T21:20:00.002-05:00

In high school I was the assistant editor-in-chief of the student newspaper, "The Circuit." Mostly I just spent way too much time editing the horribly written articles in the tiny-ass computer lab we had, but occasionally I got some decently cool perks. One thing was doing this phone interview thing with Nelly Furtado where she did a conference call with a bunch of high school newspapers. How Andrew High got picked, I don't know, but I was able to represent the T-Bolts with pride.

So a bunch of other students and I get in on the conference call and eventually Nelly comes on and everyone says hi and I crack a hilarious joke to lighten the mood ("I love you, Nelly") which gets a laugh from the Grammy winner. We all basically got to ask one question and I have no clue what mine was. I think something to do with performing at small clubs (because this was before she got all mid-driffy with "Promiscuous Girl" and "Maneater" and what not, so she wasn't exactly on top of her game commercially).

Anyway, now everything has come full circle (just go with it) as I post a song she did with one of my favorite groups, N.E.R.D. And it's pretty nifty, to say the least.

*

Well This is Creepy...

2010-06-26T23:47:00.001-05:00

So last night I was watching a movie on my laptop in the basement and since the volume on my laptop doesn't get that loud, I closed the adjoining door to the utility room because it houses our loud furnace. The light inside that utility room was off. I didn't open that door between then and now and there are no other ways into the utility room.

This evening I get back from work and notice a little slit of light coming through the bottom of the doorway. I open the door and the light was on. Now, granted someone in my family could have turned the light on and then left it on and then closed the door behind them (they are all asleep so I can't ask.) But I honestly can't see why they would shut the door behind them at all. It's never shut. I only do it on such an occasion as the one where I needed more volume for my laptop.

So this leaves me with two possibilities. One: my house is haunted. Two: there's a psycho killer hiding in my basement and I'm a dead man as soon as I fall asleep. If it's the latter, crap. If it's the former, awesome. Ghost party.

*

Why Does Derrek Lee Get A Free Pass?

2010-06-26T11:02:00.003-05:00

In the wake of the Carlos Zambrano altercation and suspension, this is the question I find myself most curious about. Zambrano has been crucified for his actions and you could argue that a lot of the disdain is warranted. He acted like an idiot and did so in a very public way. I can't even disagree with him being suspended (though Jim Hendry making said suspension indefinite is pretty stupid...when it comes to situations like this one and the Milton Bradley suspension last year, Hendry needs to be locked in a room away from microphones by his PR people.). But why is Lee getting off scot-free? Not only that, why is he being treated like some sort of hero?

I would guess a lot of that has to do with Lee's reputation as a calm, cool, collected clubhouse leader. But where did that reputation come from? Derrek Lee may be Mother Teresa-like in comparison to the admittedly insane Zambrano, but he has a history of poor behavior himself that is being overlooked.

First, let's look back at the Chris Young fight back in 2007. Many fans seem to reflect on this incident as being a positive because, apparently, fightin' is bad ass. But it was still idiotic and detrimental to the team for Lee to act the way he did. Young through a high, inside pitch and it hit Lee. Maybe it was intentional, maybe it wasn't. That's besides the point. If Lee was a real clubhouse leader, he would have walked to first and enjoy the chance to be driven in by his teammates.

Instead, Lee not only stared down Young (which is justified, I would say, if a little bit childish), but took an arcing route toward the mound on the way to first base. He was looking for a fight and when Young responded in an equally childish way, Lee threw a punch (and a pathetic one at that). Lee was eventually suspended five games (didn't it not happen until like August? I remember it being really, really late) and while the Cubs made the post season that year, any number of things could have happened and Lee's missing bat could have cost them that berth.

Then there was the incident earlier this season where Lee was ejected for arguing balls and strikes. Ignoring the terrible officiating that has gone on in Major League Baseball this season, Lee's got to know better than that. Everybody knows that an ejection is pretty much a sure thing in such a case, and Lee chose to cause a scene and lost his cool. When the same thing happened to Milton Bradley last season, he ridiculed for it. With Lee, it was ignored.

And that brings us to the incident yesterday. We may never know what Zambrano was yelling about when he came into the dugout. He might have been calling out each teammate by name or he might have been bringing particularly harsh Yo Mamma jokes into the equation or he might have just been yelling about his own performance, but the fact is, he didn't get into Lee's face. Lee verbally attacked Zambrano and thus the altercation was created. If Lee lets Zambrano just finish his tirade (no matter what it was about), the incident ends with a broken Gatorade dispenser and a brief write-up in the papers. Now it's become a disaster that will likely lead to the Cubs eating a ton of salary to ship Zambrano out of town and get a lesser player in return.

(To those expecting another surprise contributor like Carlos Silva, keep this in mind: Maybe Hendry thought Silva had something left in the tank, but the main reason for that trade was to save a couple million dollars. Anything that we got out of Silva was a bonus and so far the bonus has been great, but it'd be naive to think that Hendry expected anything close to this level of performance).

You can argue that Lee had to stand up to Zambrano because Big Z has become a broken record of sorts, but did he really? Did creating a bigger altercation do anything to help this team? Can you really commend Lee for how he acted? Based on his history, with this incident as another chapter of it, maybe we shouldn't be considering Derrek Lee to be the leader that for some reason he has become accepted as.

*

Top Five Pieces of Skin I Peeled Off My Leg

2010-06-25T17:31:00.007-05:00

I got sunburned at North Avenue Beach on Saturday. Here are the results:

#5

#4

#3

#2

#1 (Big Bertha)

*

TV Review: Breaking Bad - "Full Measure"

2010-06-13T22:01:00.004-05:00

Wow. It's going to be a long nine months.

Tonight would have been the night, if everything had gone according to Gus' plan, that Walter would have been killed. But of course, Gus' plan didn't work out because Walt was able to be one minuscule step ahead.

With the realization that Gale is being groomed to replace him, he knows that the only way to keep his life was to take Gale's. After having Jesse (in town, unbeknownst to Gus and Mike who think he's in Virginia on the run) track down where Gale lives, Walt heads out to do the deed himself, but Victor picks him up to take care of a "chemical leak" at the lab. And for a second, we didn't really know if this was the end, but once Mike came out of the shadows it was clear. Mike doesn't show up to deal with chemical leaks. He shows up when darker tasks need to be taken care of.

Once Walt realizes what was going down, he breaks down into an almost pathetic, blubber fool, trying to reason with a man who can't be reasoned with. But he did have one chip that Mike would be willing to cash in: Jesse. Walt offers to give him up and says he will call to set up a meet. But wanting to off Walter way out in the boondocks (where the laundry presumably is) was what is going to keep Walt alive. Because when he calls Jesse, he doesn't set up a meet, and instead tells him exactly what's going on and that Jesse has to kill Gale.

And low and behold, Jesse does it. But not with the ease and cold-bloodness that Walt killed the dealers last week. And reasonably so. More or less everyone that has been murdered on this show (other than Jane, though her death being a murder is debatable and it was also a death that resonated big time) have been pretty bad people. Krazy-8 and Emilio and Tuco and the Cousins and Spooge and even Combo pretty much deserved what they got. Gale wasn't even close to being in the same ballpark as those psychos. Hell, even the fact that he was eventually going to replace Walt was justifiable because he was told it was due to Walt's increasing health problems. Sure, he cooked poison, but you'd be hard-pressed to convince me that Gale deserved to die. But he did die and Jesse killed him.

All this talk in season three about Jesse being the "bad guy" has finally been realized. The act was committed to save his friend's life, but it was a terrible, despicable act nonetheless. And you have to wonder how this will change him. With Jane's death and the resulting Wayfarer plane crash, Jesse's had accepted responsibility, yet could always point to the fact that these events could be explained as nothing more than a series of horrible coincidences. Killing Gale was a direct act.

Besides Jesse, a lot of things are going to change in season four. How is Gus going to react to what Walt and Jesse did? He's in so deep in the business that he's going to have to let Walt live so he can cook, but what kind of working relationship will this be? How much leverage can Walt hold onto?

And even ignoring the Walt situation, Gus has more problems on the horizon. The cartel is back in the picture and are looking for weaknesses in Gus' operation. The men sent tonight were not "A Players" and Mike dispatched them easily, but you know more will be on the way.

This superb third season didn't end with an out-of-left-field ending like last seasons plane crash, but it ended about as satisfyingly as I could have hoped for. And that's saying something considering how superb this entire season was. After season two ended, I proclaimed it the best single season of television I had ever seen. And now, the reign is over because season three has passed it.

Lingering Thoughts

- This is the first episode since the pilot that creator Vince Gilligan has directed, and he did a magnificent job. The opening flashback scene and the desert meeting and Mike picking off the cartel boys one by one--all beautifully shot.

- I was also impressed with the score this week. The shootout scene had a cool, 70s cop movie vibe to it.

- Speaking of that scene, we got to see a little insight into where Gus gets his chemicals from. I'm not really sure what to make of it, but it seems like it will be important going forward.

- I think it's kind of funny that since Hank didn't make an appearance tonight, the last memory we'll have of him for nine months is him getting a handjob.

- "Funny how words can be so open to interpretation."

- Thanks for reading all season, if you read all season!

OVERALL GRADE: A+

*

TV Review: Justified - Season One

2010-06-08T22:03:00.004-05:00

I decided to watch Justified because of Timothy Olyphant and when it started off somewhat slow, I stuck around, again because of Timothy Olyphant. The man is a spectacular actor and his portrayal of Deputy U.S. Marshall Raylan Givens is one of the very best performances on television right now (it's unfortunate for Olyphant, however, that Justified is on the air the same time that Breaking Bad is, because I'd like his chances at the Best Actor Emmy if it wasn't for Bryan Cranston.)

But, to be fair, I thought the show in general started a little slow. After a stellar first episode that featured Raylan shooting Miami gangster Tommy Bucks in a questionably justified shooting (hence the show's title) that forced him back to his hometown of Harlan, Kentucky and into the saga of the criminal Crowder Clan, the show followed up with a series of "Crime-of-the-Week" storylines. That's not to say that all of these were bad. One in particular, featuring Alan Ruck (A.K.A. Cameron from Ferris Bueller's Day Off) as a dentist with a secret history on the run from Raylan perfectly balanced humor and tension.

But for the most part, I found myself less-than connected to episodes and wanted to see the show delve deeper into the overall mythology. Then about halfway through the season, Walton Goggin's character Boyd Crowder was released from prison on a technicality and claimed to be reformed and even started his own church. Two things were great about this. 1.) Goggin's performance was up their with Olyphants. 2.) Just like Raylan, we as the audience didn't really know if we could believe Boyd's claims of rebirth. The Boyd we saw in the pilot was so despicable that it became hard to make a case one way or the other.

And hell, for a while, Boyd and his church still partook in illegal activities (such as blowing up a meth lab), but all could be justified (hey, just like the title again) for the greater good. When his father, Bo Crowder, was also released from prison and attempted to restake his claim on the meth/protection business in eastern Kentucky, Boyd continually rebelled against him. And while Boyd's intentions were largely mysterious, Bo's weren't; He's an evil man. So seeing Boyd push his father away, we almost had to trust him, but the writing was so subtle, we still didn't know what to think (until tonight that is).

Raylan had his own daddy issues, too. His father, Arlo, is a conman through and through and never once did Raylan truly trust him. And he was right not to, because by the end of tonight's episode, it became clear that Arlo had no loyalty to even his own son. He was going to shoot him in the leg and turn him over to Bo, to turn over to the Miami cartel. Retribution would be paid for the death of Tommy Bucks.

"Bulletville," the aptly titled season finale that aired this evening, was a great capper to a great season. While Boyd still clearly has some issues, it was great to see him and Raylan team up to take down Bo and, eventually, take down some cartel assassins. It's a testament to how strong Justified is that I felt a little fanboy excitement at the Raylan/Boyd duo after only being on the air for 13 episodes.

We leave this season with Boyd chasing after the surviving cartel assassin who killed his father (despite the fact that he was probably going to kill his own father anyway) and Raylan letting him go. Or maybe Raylan didn't have a choice. Maybe he was out of bullets. Or maybe it doesn't matter at all.

Meanwhile, the cartel still hasn't gotten retribution for Bucks' death and have only seen more comrades fall at the hands of Raylan Givens quick trigger finger. Pair this with the surprisingly strong love-triangle storyline (I say surprisingly, because these can get very clichéd at times) between Raylan, (his ex-wife) Winona, and (the closest thing Kentucky can have to a femme fatale) Ava and the show has many directions it can continue in for the future.

Justified has already been picked up for a second season and I'm ecstatic about that because it had become appointment viewing for me every Tuesday night. And while the show is outstanding on its own merits, Olyphant's performance is something that simply shouldn't be missed.

OVERALL SEASON GRADE: A-

*

TV Review: Breaking Bad - "Half Measures"

2010-06-07T22:57:00.005-05:00

I meant to get this up sooner (especially since I missed reviewing last week's episode entirely), but Blogger was down so it has to wait a day. But when an episode like "Half Measures" airs and changes what it means to be a television program, sometimes you just have to share your thoughts, even if it's a little late.

Just as I didn't think Season Three could top Season Two (I was wrong), I didn't think any episode could really top "One Minute." I was wrong again. "Half Measures" will go down as one of the greatest television episodes of all time. This episode will be studied in college courses (sure, they'll be blow off classes, but it's college just the same.) It'll be atop every 'Best of the 2010s" list that comes out in 2019. "Half Measures" will be the reason that Breaking Bad wins the Emmy for Best Drama and it is the episode that made the unthinkable official: Breaking Bad is better than The Wire. I don't say this as if it's my opinion. It is simply fact.

One of the strongest aspects of "Half Measures" was how it made a somewhat unorthodox character reaction from the previous episode (Jesse's anger at the drug dealers who are using children to deal and carry out hits) seem completely justified. Sure, they ordered Combo's murder, and Combo might have been Jesse's best friend in the whole wide world, but it is hard for us as the viewer to empathize. But then last night's episode made two very important points: one that refocused on a previous character trait and one that was a brand new revelation all together.

First, the character trait. As we knew from Season Two's excellent "Peekaboo," (and to a lesser extent, last week's episode as well) Jesse has a soft spot for children. He was absolutely disgusted by the living conditions meth junkies Spooge and his lovely wife were delivering to their son. Jesse seemed to genuinely care for the kid. Maybe it has to do with his relationship with his little brother (remember he took the blame for some discovered pot in Season One) or maybe it has to do with how his parents abandoned him, but Jesse isn't one to be okay with kids being forced to deal drugs and murder rivals.

Second, the revelation. Not only are these dealers using kids like Tomas, they are doing it with his meth! Jesse might be able to look the other way at the fact that his product is poisoning a sizable portion of the American Southwest, but he can't look the other way in knowing children are being used to distribute it.

So while he might be short-sighted in thinking that killing the two dealers will put an end to this problem (because who really knows how many other dealers are using the same methods), but it's a solution to his guilt that he wants to happen. He goes to Walt to try and get his help in poisoning them with ricin (a.k.a. the Tuco Method), and Walt smartly refuses. But Walt rightfully thinks Jesse will attempt the retribution anyway and discusses a plan with Saul to have Jesse arrested for a minor crime, thus giving him time to cool his temper.

This plan is passed along to Mike who comes to Walt's house in order to tell him a little story. You see, Mike used to be a beat cop (a weirdly believable past profession) and he used to always be called out to a specific couple's house for domestic violence crimes. Week after week, Mike and his partner would simply pick the guy up after he beat his wife, throw him in the drunk tank for the night, and have him returned home the next day. One night, Mike's partner was sick and Mike went on a call to the house on his own. He picked up the man ("...Gordie...he looked like Bo Svenson") and drove him not to the police station, but out into the desert. He forced Gordie onto his knees and stuck his gun in his mouth and says, "This is it. This is how it ends." And he keeps it there just long enough for Gordie to think that Mike is actually going to blow his brains out. And then Mike takes the gun out of Gordie's mouth and says that if "you ever touch her again I'll such and such and such and such and blah-blah blah-blah blah."

(That line made me literally shiver. Hell, Mike's whole story did. It reminded me of the most disturbing short story I've ever read: "Night They Missed the Horror Show" by Joe R. Lansdale. You can read it here, but I warn you, it's something you can't un-read.)

Two weeks later, Gordie killed his wife. Mike points out to Walt that the moral of the story is that Mike chose a half measure, when he should have gone all the way. Walt's continued protection of Jesse is a half measure situation. Eventually, he is going to have to realize that half measures are only temporary solutions to a permanent problem.

But Walt isn't really to go "full measure" on Jesse so he instead came forward to Gus about Jesse's plan. Gus arranges a meeting between himself, Walt, Jesse, and the two dealers in order to resolve the situation. He clearly points out that the only reason Jesse is alive is because of his respect for Walt. He tells Jesse that his plan is done and to shake hands with the dealers. But Jesse wont do it because of their use of children. Gus tells the dealers, no more kids. Finally, begrudgingly, Jesse and the dealers shake hands.

As The AV Club's Donna Bowman points out in her always excellent review (I usually don't read it until after I review it myself, but the Blogger problems caused me to disobey that policy), this is really the first chink we've seen in Gus' armor. The fact that he gives in to Walt regarding his protection of Jesse isn't too surprising, but the fact that he gives into Jesse is. But you have to give credit where credit is due, Jesse stood up to Gus. But maybe that's what led to what happened next.

While staying with Andrea, she gets a call. Tomas has been murdered. Jesse goes over the edge. He waits outside the lot where the dealers had set up shop and took his first hit of meth since his sobriety began. When the dealers arrive, he gets out of his car and slowly walks toward them, his hand on a gun. They slowly walk toward Jesse, their hands on their own weapons. All three raise their firearms, but before a shot is fired, Walt runs down the dealers in his always battered Pontiac Aztek. One is killed instantly, crushed beneath the car. The second is still alive, but not for long, because Walt picks up his gun and pops him in the head. He turns to Jesse and says one word.

"Run."

My favorite thing about this season and this show in general is how quickly it can blow through plots and keep the tension amazingly high. Admit it (I sure do), when we saw the previews with the cousins showing up and stalking Walt with that shiny axe, we all thought that this storyline would be dragged out throughout the whole season with the finale probably featuring some kind of showdown. And instead the cousins/cartel are out of the picture only halfway through.

And that's why Breaking Bad is better than The Wire. With The Wire, the tension was always limited by the standards of the television format. You knew that the storylines introduced at the beginning of each season--from the Avon Barksdale investigation to McNulty's Serial Killer--wouldn't be resolved (or at least wrapped up) at the end of the season and no sooner.

Breaking Bad has turned the serialized television format on its head and created a tension that really has no predictable resolution. It's the most highly acclaimed show on television right now and still not getting enough credit.

Lingering Thoughts

- This episode is titled "Half Measures." Plural. The season finale next week is called "Full Measure." Singular. Hmm.

- Lost in the shuffle is the hilarious-yet-beautiful opening montage with Wendy the hooker, set to the great 60s pop song by The Association, "Windy." I dare you to find a show that has better cold opens than this one.

- Also lost is the funny scene where Marie gives Hank a handjob to prove he isn't as helpless as he thinks. After "One Minute," Hank's storyline has been put somewhat on the backburner, but he continues to shine this season. Between Dean Norris, Aaron Paul, Giancarlo Esposito, and maybe even Jonathan Banks, the supporting actors on this show should all be recognized come award season.

- Yes, I repeat, Breaking Bad is better than The Wire.

OVERALL GRADE: A+

*

TV Review: Breaking Bad - "Fly"

2010-05-24T16:33:00.004-05:00

Sorry about the delay in posting this but last night was all about LOST. But here I am to put up a brief recap of last night's odd little episode of Breaking Bad, "Fly." I use the word odd simply to describe the plot and character juxtaposition, but the same dark themes that have been running through this show form its inception are just the same as usual.

Much like last season's spectacular "4 Days Out," last night's episode featured a story revolving solely around Walt and Jesse. This time they aren't on a cooking marathon in the desert; this time it's a housefly hunt in the superlab. The little bugger gets in at some point just after Jesse leaves for the night and Walt apparently spends the whole night trying to blow it out with air pressure and his homemade fly swatter. When Jesse comes in the next day, Walt rambles on in an extended scene about how the fly will cause the meth to be contaminated if they don't kill it, so cooking is off until that is done.

Jesse, in a rare but not uncalled for instance, is the more level-headed of the two and tries to explain to Walt that a fly isn't going to matter to the drug fiends who buy the stuff, but Walt is so persistent that he tricks Jesse into leaving the lab and then locks him out. Jesse is pretty clever and pops the circuits upstairs, forcing Walt to let him back in, though not before getting some other fly-catching supplies from the drug store. Except that's not all Jesse got: he also brought some sleeping pills which he slips into Walt's coffee.

The next twenty minutes or so feature extended monologues by both of the characters that should be placed on top of the list for Bryan Cranston and Aaron Paul's Emmy submissions. Jesse talks about how his aunt had a possum under her house and even though it was eventually removed, she still claimed to hear it scratching away. This led to her family taking her to the doctor where they learned she had cancer and it had spread to her brain. Hinting all the while, of course, that maybe Walt was imagining not the fly's existence, but that it is even a problem at all. Walt assures him that he just saw his doctor and is still in remission "with no end in sight."

But then the pills start kicking in and Walt reveals to Jesse that he randomly had a conversation with Jane's father Donald Margolis on the night of her death. He points out that randomness such as that should be impossible and mentions that he wishes he had died that night before he went out. It would have been the perfect moment. He would have had enough money saved up for Skyler and the kids to live comfortably and they wouldn't have known about what he did to get it. And, though he doesn't say this, we know that he would have avoided being responsible for Jane's death. He seems to be about to tell Jesse about this aspect, when he falls asleep--just as Jesse is able to kill the fly. Jesse puts Walt to bed and proceeds to cook.

Later, outside the lab, a somewhat clearer-headed Walt casually warns Jesse that if he is stealing some of the excess product, Walt won't be able to protect him. Jesse still claims he isn't, but Jesse also doesn't have the same knowledge that Walt does concerning how dangerous Gus can be. Even worse, he doesn't have the knowledge that Walt doesn't know about (i.e. the attack on the cartel).

The funny thing is for such a great and powerful episode, we didn't progress anywhere in the story. Walt and Jesse are still cooking and Jesse is still stealing a half a pound or so here or there; They both feel guilty about Jane's death (and the Wayfarer crash), but they won't admit it; And with the focus solely on this one storyline, we got no progress in any other character developments either. And yet this almost seems like the key episode of the season so far. Sure, it didn't quite have the excitement of "One Minute" or the shock of "I.F.T.", but the key relationship of this show has always been Walt and Jesse's and here we saw how it alone can carry this show.

Lingering Thoughts

- Maybe I'm still on a LOST high, but it was hard not to draw a comparison in the scene where Walt talks about meeting Donald at the bar with the scene where Sawyer tells Jack about how he met Christian in a bar in Sydney. Both Walt and early Jack are men of science and it is in these moments when the seed gets planted that maybe there is something out there that goes beyond science.

- So what do you make of the final scene where Walt sees an image of the fly in the flashing smoke detector light? My theory is that it is a reference to Jesse's story about his aunt and the implication that maybe Walt's cancer might be making an appearance again soon.

- Another interesting scene was the cold open where the fly was shown in increasing disturbing closeups as a lullaby is sung in the background. When we later hear Walt talk about listening to Skyler sing a lullaby to Holly, it makes me wonder if this same fly (and the dread that comes with it) has been following Walt for quite some time.

- With Walt asleep, how much bonus meth do you think Jesse cooked?

- "Fly" was directed by Rian Johnson, the director of the excellent Joseph Gordon-Levitt high school noir film Brick. I highly recommend checking it out.

OVERALL GRADE: A+

*

LOST Review - "The End"

2010-05-23T22:56:00.005-05:00

Well, I loved it. My expectations were low going in because I just didn't feel a connection to this season that I had to the previous five, but even if they had been high, I think I would have still left my friend Grant's apartment where I watched the finale with a smile.

If you had been following me as I reviewed this past season (and thank you if you have), you might think I was a little hard on its flash-sideways storyline, but I simply didn't find it as engrossing as I had hoped. But the finale with the Alternate Los Angeles in 2004 acting as some kind of limbo made it all completely work for me. That emotional distance closed as the characters began to realize their connection to their Island pasts.

I can't say everything about the episode was perfect. I still hate that the key to the mysteries of the Island was a glowing cave and some weird waterfall/oversized Perfection piece and I thought that LockeMonster's death was a little quick/convenient. But as I said from the beginning, my biggest concern was that I wouldn't be satisfied with the final arc that the characters grew into. Everything that occurred in that regard though was great enough that these minor mythological/narrative flaws were an afterthought.

So let's get to what I think occurred. Everything that happened on the Island was the "real world." Everything that happened in Alterna-L.A. was limbo. (I know a lot of people might be pissed because the limbo theory was thrown out early, but to be fair, the producers just said the Island wasn't limbo.) The characters had to realize that their lives included time spent on the Island and they had to let go of all of the unhappiness that led them there in the first place. Only then could they have moved on to whatever is after that limbo.

Jack died. Hurley and Ben (and Rose and Bernard and anyone else on the Island other than probably Desmond) lived on the Island and eventually probably died there, with Hurley maybe eventually passing along the Island guardianship responsibilities. Frank, Miles, Richard (an aging Richard at that), Kate, Sawyer, and Claire all got off the Island and had awesome lives where they ate several meals a day and meet up for a reunion in Vegas every October.

There are obviously different ways to interpret the finale, but I like my interpretation because, well, it satisfies me. Your interpretation probably sucks.

I'm kind of at a loss with what else to put in this post. At this point, recapping the episode seems unnecessary and even if it did make sense, I didn't take notes like I usually do. So I guess I'll just leave you with this:

LOST was a very important part of my life for the past six years. You could say that's kind of sad and I wouldn't disagree with you, but I've devoted over 120 hours to watching these characters and exploring their lives and the Island and I think that time spent was worthwhile. And I'm sure I'm not alone in feeling that way.

OVERALL EPISODE GRADE: A+

OVERALL SEASON GRADE: B

OVERALL SERIES GRADE: A

*

The Chicago Ass-Door of the Day (5/23/2010)

2010-05-23T15:05:00.002-05:00

But for ever great door, there are also a great many horrible-looking doors, which I call Ass-Doors. Here's the pathetic Ass-Door I saw yesterday.

*

The Chicago Door of the Day! (5/23/2010)

2010-05-23T14:59:00.005-05:00

With so much violence and atrocities in the world today, one thing we can all agree on is that really nice doors can make or break an entryway. For years now I've been admiring doors in the city of Chicago, but until now I never thought to share my love with the world. Not anymore!

Here is a door from the North Center neighborhood that I really liked. Enjoy!

*

Movie Review: Iron Man 2

2010-05-19T18:03:00.002-05:00

One common problem in the recent rash of superhero movies is that the protagonist turns out to be far less engrossing and interesting than the villain he has to do battle with. It happened with the X-Men (Ian McKellen rules), it happened with Spiderman (Alfred Molina rules), and it happened with Batman (Heath Ledger rules....from beyooooond the graaaaaave). This didn't prove to be an issue with the first Iron Man movie and Robert Downey Jr. didn't let up on the charm factor in its sequel. He is what makes Iron Man 2 such a fun ride. Without him, it might be decent, but nothing special.

This time around, Tony Stark has a bunch of people after him. Garry Shandling is a shady senator who wants Tony to turn over his suit. The great Sam Rockwell is a business competitor who wants Iron Man out of the picture. Mickey Rourke is a pissed off Russian who wants revenge. Luckily, Iron Man has some people on his side too like Gwyneth Paltrow, Scarlett Johanson, Samuel L. Jackson, Don Cheadle (replacing Terrence Howard), and even the director himself, Jon Favreau. All of the conflict and fighting is less important that everything that comes out of Downey Jr' mouth though so why recap the plot any more than that.

I can't necessarily say that the sequel is better than the original, but it assuredly isn't any worse.

OVERALL GRADE: B+

*

LOST Review - "What They Died For"

2010-05-18T21:05:00.003-05:00

Now that's better.

"What They Died For" didn't have quite the same energy as the penultimate episodes of previous seasons, but it was still a very fun ride and an immense improvement over last week's taco fart of an episode.

Well, we have our final candidate (so does this make him Jacob-elect?) and it was no surprise to anyone that it was Jack. I guess they could have went with someone else, but once they turned Jack into Mr. We-Have-To-Go-Back, the writers kind of had to have a reason for him to, well, go back...even if he didn't know what that reason was at the time. So now Jack has to go to the glowing cave of deus ex machina and protect it from LockeMonster who wants to put out the light, which, apparently means he can leave (?).

Speaking of LockeMonster, he causes quite a bit of havoc in this episode. After Ben, Richard, and Miles show up at Ben's DHARMAville house to get some C4 and Widmore and the Tina Fey look-a-like show up soon after, the still ridiculously unnamed Man in Black comes and blasts Richard into the jungle, murders Zoe, and recruits Ben to kill some people. First on the list (though Ben's list, not LockeMonster's) is Widdy, who Ben kills just as he is telling why he brought Desmond to the Island.

LockeMonster drags Ben to the well where Desmond is at and is surprisingly happy to see him missing. Widdy had enough time to tell him that he brought Desmond because he can withstand vast amounts of electromagnetic energy...we'll see what that means in a few days.

The Flash-Sideways was actually the highlight of this episode. It was just interesting to see how things are set up for all of the castaways to meet up again in L.A. in 2004. One of the staples of the penultimate episodes of each season of LOST is the moving around of characters like chess pieces for whatever the final confrontation of that season is. In the main storyline, there wasn't as much movement, but in the Flash, we got some cool stuff.

First, Jack gets a call from Oceanic saying they found his dad's body. Not so fast, it was really Desmond in disguise. That's not the only meddling done by Dezzy this week as he also continues to interfere in people's lives to (probably) get them to blast into the other timeframe somehow.

He goes to the high school and beats the shit out of Ben and tells him that he was trying to set Locke free when he ran him over. When Ben passes this message along to Locke, Locke decides to finally have Jack's surgery.

Then Desmond turns himself in for the hit and run to Sawyer (just as he turns down Miles' offer to go to his father's benefit concert with him...which apparently Jack's son will also be performing at by the way) who puts him in the same jail cells as Sayid and Kate. When they are transferred to County, their driver pulls over and it ends up being Ana-Lucia. Hurley drives up and gives her some money for letting her prisoners go. Hurley takes Sayid with him while Desmond takes Kate with him in another car. And they have a concert to go to.

Lingering Thoughts

- Apparently Frank IS dead. And apparently Mike is pissed. The great Jeff Fahey deserved better than that.

- Who helped Desmond out of the well? Miles? Richard? Frank? (Okay, I'm still holding out hope.)

- What did Desmond mean when he said Ana-Lucia isn't read yet? We only have two-and-a-half more hours...how much more time does she need?

- So Kate's name was crossed off because she became a mom. Does that mean that the remaining Kwon name had been Jin's since Sun became a mom as well? Also, why do all the fathers (Sawyer, Jin) get screwed? Apparently Jacob doesn't believe in fathers' rights.

- For an otherwise good episode, this one had some really groan-inducing dialogue. Most nefarious: SAWYER: "I thought that guy had a God complex before." KATE: "James." SAWYER: "Yeah, I know." Jeesh.

- I can't wait to see Kate in that dress.

OVERALL GRADE: A-

*

TV Review: Breaking Bad - "Kafkaesque"

2010-05-16T22:02:00.005-05:00

I won't pretend to really understand what a phrase like "Kafkaesque" really means. I read "The Metamorphosis" in college and am guessing describing Walt or Jesse or Gus or Skyler in such a way isn't about them turning into a giant bug (though, it should be noted that next week's episode is titled "The Fly," so who really knows.) So when Jesse's group therapist (played by Jere Burns who was the best part of the last episode of Justified) described Jesse's semi-fabricated tales of his crappy new job at a "corporate laundromat," I was a little lost thanks to my intellectual short-comings. So since I couldn't read into the Kafkaesque elements of "Kafkaesque," I focused in on four questions that were asked during the episode (some rhetorical, some not) that look to set us up for the home stretch of Breaking Bad's already spectacular third season.

Skyler: "Are we safe?"

In the short-term, probably. The cartel is at the very least in a transition period following Gus grab for power. At the very worst it is in shambles. But even if it comes back to strength stronger than ever, we are told that both the Mexican and U.S. governments have put a greater focus on keeping the cartel down following Hank's shootout.

But the question really comes down to whether or not the cartel is even the biggest enemy in the first place. The cold calculation of Gus became violently apparent last week and that leads to question number two.

Jesse: "What happens at the end of the three months?"

This is at first dismissed by Jesse even moments after he asks it, but it gets Walt thinking (or probably he'd been thinking about it for a while anyway because Walt's, well, a thinker.) He meets with Gus and asks him the same question, though not before pointing out that he knows how Gus set up this whole charade that led to Hank being shot and the cartel being at least temporarily decimated.

When Walt points out that all he cares about is security for his family, Gus ups his original offer of $3 million for three months work to $15 million annually with open ended employment (seemingly very good, but as Jesse pointed out earlier in the episode, Gus is going to end up making almost nine figures on that first set of shipments). We don't see Walt's response, but can Walt really refuse? I just don't see how Gus would let him ever walk away (and I predict we'll see a murdered Gale eventually that highlights this fact).

Marie: "How could you do that to her, Walt?"

This question is less about what's going forward (though it will change things) and more about what led to it. When it becomes known that Hank's chances of walking are slim unless he is able to get the very best physical therapists, Skyler offers to give Marie some of Walt's meth money pay the bills. Except she comes up with a story explaining that Walt earned the money by gambling. Walt has no choice but to accept (though that's not to say he wouldn't find a way to put that money towards Hank's medical bills anyway) with Skyler using her own set of lies to blackmail him...and pretty creatively I might add.

But this brings together another question going forward, how is Marie (and down the line Walt) going to explain where she got the money? Earlier in the episode, Saul tries to convince Jesse to buy a nail salon in order to laundry his money through. Jesse refuses but it makes me wonder how Walt is going to explain all of his extra income, especially now that he will be giving an extremely large amount to his brother-in-law who just went through a highly publicized shooting.

Jesse: "What's the point of being an outlaw when you got responsibilities?"

This question might end up being Jesse's downfall. Walt wondered why Jesse would complain even though he's going to be a millionaire, but for Jesse it really isn't about the money. He was at his best when he was running the sales-side of the operation in season two. Now that he is just cooking to meet Gus' quotas, he's back to being a nobody.

So he takes advantage of Walt's minor generosity by beginning to skim off the top of the slight amount of extra meth they are producing each week. And he's found the perfect place to sell: his meth addicts anonymous meetings. Badger and Skinny P show up and promote their product by pretending to be blown away by how good it was. I'm sure a lot of people might have found this scene to be out-of-place, but I found it funny and the evil smirk on Jesse's face sold it.

Jesse is both smarter and dumber than he looks at the same time. If and when Gus notices his thievery, things will probably turn really ugly really quickly. Which leads me to my last question: Will he survive?

Lingering Thoughts

- I didn't get into everything with Ted showing up because to be honest it's a storyline that I don't have much interest in. And with the way Skyler dismissed him, I might be lucky in not having to see much more of it in the future.

- I'm not sure what to make of Jesse's box story, but it was way more gripping than a story about building a wooden box should ever be. Major props to Aaron Paul.

- I loved how Walt leaned in to hear Skyler's tale of his gambling addiction. He was as shocked as Marie was.

- The cold open was short but sweet, transitioning between a Los Pollos Hermanos commercial and a montage of the meth being sent out. It goes out hidden in the chicken fry batter and has shown up all over the southwest according to the names on the trucks (and Gomez's map).

- Speaking of Gomez, Hank whispering for him to come closer to his bed and then calling him an "asshole" was a nice Hank touch.

- Why is Walt giving Gus extra meth?

OVERALL GRADE: A

*

LOST Review - "Across the Sea"

2010-05-11T21:04:00.003-05:00

At this point in the grand scheme of things, there probably isn't much of a point in assigning grades to the individual episodes of LOST, but this was a very bad episode. It might have been necessary in order to wrap everything up, but for the first time since I started watching this show, I found myself angry while watching. Sure, there have been some episodes in the past that were weaker than others, but tonight was downright terrible.

And maybe that's going to be the problem with these last three-and-a-half hours of LOST. After previously expecting to be disappointed by the conclusion, I gained some confidence about it during season five. That confidence is gone now and I think the problems with "Across the Sea" are the problems that have plagued this show this season. I just don't care about the struggle between Jacob and the still unbelievably annoyingly unnamed Man in Black. I care about Jack and Kate and Sawyer and Hurley and Ben because they mattered from the beginning (well not Ben, but he's at least interesting).

For a while now, it's seemed that the story of Jacob and LockeMonster would be the ultimate end game for this show, and I'm sorry but that is nothing short of a disaster. Sure, one of our characters is supposed to "take over" for Jacob, but there's too much of a disconnect. Throw in the downright boring flash-sideways storyline and now we are supposed to devote a major chunk of our attention to these plots and characters (I'm considering the Flash LOSTies as different characters) who didn't exist in any real form before the final episode of season five. And in the end, my biggest fear was that the finale was going to be disappointing. Now I realize that I should have had a bigger fear: being insulted by it.

Speaking of insulting, the dialogue and acting in "Across the Sea" should have embarrassed everyone involved. You have to have tempered expectations with child actors, but the two who played Baby Jacob and Baby Smokey were distractingly bad. Meanwhile even a veteran like Allison Janey (who is generally an exception actress) came off as pretty hackneyed. And I can't even completely blame her because it'd be hard for the best actress in the world to read lines like "It's the source, the heart of the Island" with any believability.

So "Across the Sea" was the long-awaited (apparently...by some people at least) origin story of Jacob and LockeMonster. They didn't start out as the semi-immortal beings that we know them as today. They first arrived on the Island in fetus form, chillin' out in the uterus of their mother Claudia, a survivor of a shipwreck. Claudia soon meets Janey who helps deliver the babies once Claudia goes into labor. First comes Jacob and next comes MIB, for whom she didn't have a name ready because she didn't know she was having twins. Immediately after the births, Janey's character murders Claudia and takes in the babies as her own.

They grow into their preteens and play makeshift backgammon and listen to their "mother" ramble on about this and that. One day they are out in the jungle and see some other people (a strange occurrence because their mother told them they were the only people on the Island...not to mention that there is nothing else beyond the Island in the whole world). Mommy dearest tells them that people are extremely dangerous and leads them to a cave that emits a glowing light. The light is what is inside every living person and they have to protect it from people. Okay. Whatever.

Some time later, the ghost of their real mother appears before the Man in Black and explains how she was murdered and how he and Jacob came from across the sea. This causes Smokey to leave his fake mother and brother and join the other people. Years later, the kids are grown up (thank God) and still occasionally meet up for a game of Island Backgammon. Smokey explains that Janey was right, these people are inherently evil but they are means to and: i.e. getting off the Island. He tells Jacob how they have been finding pockets of electromagnetivity (is that a word?) and he wants to dig into those pockets to eventually find his way back to the glowing cave (which he hadn't been able to find since the last time he was there as a child).

When Jacob tells his mother, she confronts Smokey inside one of the caverns he and his people opened up (what will eventually end up being the chamber below the Orchid Station that houses the frozen donkey wheel) and tricks him into dropping his guard and knocks him unconscious. She then proceeds to somehow cave in the chamber, murder all of the people, and burn down their village. Not bad for a middle-aged woman.

The Man in Black wakes up and stabs his mother quite literally in the back. Jacob sees this and beats the crap out of his brother and drags him to the light cave. He tosses him in and the Man in Black gets sucked into some kind of toilet and spit out as the Smoke Monster. But Jacob later finds the Man in Black's human body and takes it to the cave he lived in with his mother and laid their corpses side by side. These end up being the Adam and Eve skeletons from season one with confirmation given via flashback scenes to when Jack and Kate (you know, real characters we should actually care about) first found them.

And that's about it. It was slow. It was dull. It didn't leave me feeling any more set up for what's to come. All in all it just ended up being the worst episode this show has put out. I hate that I hated it, but I couldn't fathom watching it again and staying awake. It's a shame it hit this big of a low so close to the end, but at least there's hope that it can only go up from here. But now that hope is starting to feel more and more desperate.

Lingering Thoughts

- So how did the mother kill all of those people and collapse a huge underground chamber? Could she have the ability to change into the Smoke Monster herself?

- If the Man in Black is dead, how has he been, well, not dead since then?

- Timeline-wise, did Claudia come to the Island before or after the Taweret statue was built. You would have to assume she came before Richard did since the Man in Black already had the ability to turn into Smokey then, but we didn't get a shot of the statue so how old is that thing?

- Is there a reason why all of the ancient characters speak with in English with American accents or is it just a continuity thing?

- Momma said she made it so that Jacob and the Man in Black could never hurt each other. But Jacob beat the crap out of his brother more than once this episode and kinda-sorta-maybe killed him in some form or another, so what's that about?

- What effect, if any, did drinking the wine have on Jacob? Also, what was his mother chanting before she handed him the drink?

OVERALL GRADE: D

*

TV Review: Breaking Bad - "I See You"

2010-05-09T22:02:00.002-05:00

The standout character development in "I See You" was this: be scared of Gus. The Chicken Maestro has always been a near-silently powerful figure since his debut midway through season two, but we never really got a great feel for how far his power reached. Tonight it became painfully clear that Gus is the most diabolical drug distributor we have met yet (and that's saying something because we've met quite a bit).

Hank is rushed to the hospital following his assault just as Jesse is leaving the hospital following his. Walt hadn't heard because he was in the lab firing Gale, but Jesse arrives and tells him (despite Jesse finding a great deal of joy in Hank's situation) and Walt meets Skyler, Walter Jr., and Marie in the family waiting area. A majority of the episode's "action" took place there and there were quite a few tense moments despite its likely purposefully boring, beige setting.

Betsy Brandt has her own "Emmy Monologue" (not that she will likely be nominated or anything, but it was just a very strong scene by an actress who I don't usually find that strong on this show) when she kicks out Hank's boss and partner for having his gun taken away just before the shooting took place. She also lashes out at Walt for his connection to Jesse, but Skyler defends (!) Walt and Marie relents.

But Skyler isn't exactly as kosher with Walt as she makes it seem to her sister. Sure, she doesn't call him out on talking to Jesse about the business, but she clearly knows he's up to something and must realize that Jesse and Walt's relationship is deeper than he makes it out to be.

Speaking of Jesse, he's ready to cook, but the delay involved with the "grieving process" leads to some major boredom in the superlab. After trying to get the exhaust valve to fellate him, he fills his lab suit with air as Victor comes in and watches disapprovingly. This gets back to Gus who calls Walt to ask what the dillio is. Walt lies and says Gale screwed everything up, but they will be caught up by the time next week's shipment is due.

Walt obviously doesn't know that Gus knows about his connection to Hank, but it is soon becomes apparent when Gus shows up to do his civic duty and feed free chicken to everyone at the hospital. In the midsts of dozens of DEA agents, these two drug barons converse in whispers with Walt basically asking if Gus is mad. Gus isn't as long as business continues on schedule. Not only that, he gives assurances to Walt that his family will be safe as the surviving Salamanca cousin won't likely survive. As if on cue, Walt gets word that the assassin has gone into cardiac arrest and not long after we see Mike sneak out, dropping a donation off on the way.

But if Gus' influence there didn't impress you (I'm not sure if "impress" is the right word I'm looking for, but just go with it), his final act sure should. Juan Bolsa, the high-ranking cartel member who we were introduced to earlier in the season, puts two and two together that Gus gave the Cousins permission to (try and) off Hank. He begins to threaten Gus over the phone, but isn't able to finish because armed men burst in and blow him to pieces as Gus listens in smiling.

So what does this all mean going forward? Eventually other Cartel guys are going to learn about Gus' betrayal and you have to think some kind of war is going to break out. The question will be how deep Walt and Jesse are in Gus' operation when the battle comes north of the border.

Lingering Thoughts

- The best scene in the episode was the surviving Salamanca brother crawling--legless--towards Walt as he recognizes him through his hospital room window. Freaking terrifying.

- Jesse has a really weird Aztec Skull Clown tattoo on his back. I have no comment on it other than that.

- "Hey, tell your douchebag brother in law to head toward the light." Brutal

- I was cracking up at a lot of the Jesse scenes, but I loved how much of a little shit he was when he showed up in the middle of Gale's firing.

- On his way to the hospital for his surgery, Walt hit too many green lights. He wanted more reds. Hmm.

-

OVERALL GRADE: B+

*

Google > Apple

2010-05-05T12:53:00.004-05:00

I'm a big time fan off all things Google, and a self-proclaimed admirer-yet-hater of all things Apple. For the longest time, they weren't in the same realm because Google didn't make hardware and Apple, well, did. And I admire Apple because they do put out some spectacular products. But I hate the "Cult of Apple." If you aren't an Apple Zombie and you know someone who is, you know how annoying it can be.

So now that Google is slowly starting to crank out hardware as well (first smartphones, but you know that Tablet/PCs/other awesome stuff aren't far behind), Apple is facing real competition for the first time. The iPhone had no strong competitors since its existence but the Android OS (created by Google) is arguably already passing the best of what Apple can offer (though I will admit the leaked specs of the iPhone 4 look pretty slick). If I wasn't so painfully, painfully poor, I would already own the HTC Incredible which, from what I've read, more than lives up to its name.

But Google's bread and butter has always been its software and when it released its web browser, Chrome, a little over a year ago, I was immediately hooked. Just as people who use Firefox look down at people who use Internet Explorer, I now look down with pity at the people who use Firefox (especially now that Chrome allows for third party extensions).

The main component that makes Chrome amazing is its speed. Well now Google is releasing a newer version that's even faster. They also released a wicked awesome "Speed Test" video that shows Chrome being faster than lightning, sound waves, and a flying potato. Enjoy.

*

LOST Review - "The Candidate"

2010-05-04T21:03:00.005-05:00

Let's face facts, if you weren't prepared for major characters to die in this final season, you don't know LOST. But I don't think I was prepared for apparently four dying in a five minute span. Just before the final act break we lost Sayid, Jin, Sun, and probably Frank.

I say probably because they showed him getting knocked out before the sub flooded, but didn't really show anything beyond that. I'd like to think that somehow Frank is alive because sometimes LOST fakes us out (like they did with Jin first "death"), but then again, he doesn't necessarily serve a purpose anymore either. But dammit, Frank is awesome. He deserves a better death than a quick shot of him saying "Aw hell" and getting knocked over by a water-propelled sub hatch.

Those last fifteen minutes or so that led to and included those deaths were harrowing and more than made up for a previous 45 minutes that were entertaining if a little rushed. I guess at this point things kind of have to be rushed though, so I'm not going to complain too much.

The survivors who were captured by Widmore were quickly shuffled into the polar bear cages that housed Sawyer and Kate (quite nakedly I might add) in season three. And then, not a few minutes later, they are rescued by the trio of LockeMonster, Sayid, and Jack (convinced by LM to help, but not convinced enough to leave the Island). They head to the Ajira plane where LM finds some C4 inside, which was supposedly placed by Widmore's people to kill all of the survivors as soon as they started it up.

LockeMonster's new plan: take the sub.

Sawyer's new plan: Have Jack push LockeMonster into the water and escape without him.

Hurley's new plan: Eat something as soon as he can (probably).

So they get to the sub and Jack pushes ol' baldy into the water and Widmore's people show up and start shooting and hit Kate in the shoulder. Jack brings Kate into the sub and Sawyer goes back to try and bring the last person on the surface, Claire, in with them. But when he sees LockeMonster heading for the sub hatch, he closes it on both of them and they dive.

Except LockeMonster's plan wasn't quite what it seemed. Before Jack entered the sub, LM slipped the C4 into Jack's pack. There was a timer that was meant to go off in less than four minutes. Sayid explains a possible way of defusing it, but it could cause the bomb to go off quicker. But Jack tries to stop him and Saywer from trying that because he claims that nothing will happen to them. His theory is that LM can't actually kill them because of some craaaaazy rule and he just wants them to kill each other. Sawyer says "F that" and pulls the chords and the timer goes into overdrive. Sayid redeems himself by taking the bomb and running it down a hallway as far away from everyone else as possible (though not before explaining to Jack how Desmond is still alive in the well....double redemption: 500 points!)

The bomb (and Sayid) blows and the sub starts flooding. Frank gets knocked out in the most aggravating way possible and Sun gets pinned by some pipes or something. Hurley takes the injured Kate out through the blast hole as Jin, Jack, and Sawyer try and free Sun. Sawyer gets knocked unconscious by falling debris and it soon becomes clear that they won't be able to save Sun. Jack escapes with Sawyer, but Jin stays behind to be with Sun until the end. Despite the Sun and Jin storyline dragging a bit over six seasons, their death was pretty poignant. Poor Ji Yeon.

Jack, Sawyer, Hurley, and Kate make it to the beach and have a cute little sob-session. On the dock, LockeMonster tells Claire that he's going off to finish what he started.

The Flash-Sideways was pretty brief and it showed that in this timeline, Locke caused his own paralysis--as well as the vegetative state of his father, Anthony Cooper--when he crashed a plane that he was flying. Jack wants to help him try and walk again, but Locke feels he deserved what happened to him. There were also some moments where they both were starting to realize the coincidences and such, but meh, it was another pretty boring Flash. What can you do? At least we got Bernard. I don't know how I could live without seeing what happened to him in the alternate reality.

Lingering Thoughts

- A few notes about LockeMonster's C4-related deception... 1.) When he was in the plane by himself, he supposedly found the C4, but did he? We weren't really shown that. And if it was in there for some reason, why didn't he just let the Oceanic Bunch just go in there to blow up? 2.)What was he going to do if Jack didn't actually end up in the sub?

- Speaking of the Ajira plane, I think the producers/writers were pretty insulting if they think we as the audience were supposed to believe that plane could ever take off again in the first place. I would have liked a line by Frank or someone saying something along the lines of "It'll be a miracle if we get this bird off the ground." Instead, it was just made to seem like a completely plausible idea, and I don't buy it.

- I recently watched the first season of Son of Anarchy and while it's a very up-and-down kind of show, Katey Sagal is pretty excellent on it, if in an over-the-top kind of way. But her character on that is sooooo much different than her character on LOST and both are sooooo much different than Peg Bundy, that you have to give her credit for being a very versatile, believable actress.

- We've been way too long without word from Ben, Richard, and Miles. With only four hours left, you have to figure they show up again pretty darn soon.

- What's the significance of the music box that Christian gave to Claire in his will? I know Rousseau had one, but it doesn't appear to be the same, according to the picture on Lostpedia.

- Honestly, am I the only one who cares about Frank?!?!

OVERALL GRADE: A-

*

TV Review: Breaking Bad - "One Minute"

2010-05-02T22:05:00.004-05:00

All I can say to start out this review is to state that this was the best hour of television I've ever seen. And I've watched a lot of television in my life. And I say this without the slightest hesitation. None of the greatest episodes of The Wire or The Sopranos or The West Wing or any show could possibly hold a candle to "One Minute." This review won't even come close to doing it justice and I am fully accepting of that. But here it is, nonetheless.

Breaking Bad is a show that handles tension as deftly as any show I've seen. Tonight, the word tension just isn't tense enough for how tense "One Minute" was. William Shakespeare should be reincarnated simply for him to come up with a new word to describe this episode. I'm still shaking a little bit.

We began with a flashback to presumably the early 1990s (going by Zack Morris phone) with Don Salamanca a younger, more virile man watching his sons (the soon-to-be axe-welding Cousins) play roughly with each other. When Marco (oh my God! a name!) rips the head off of a doll they are playing with, his brother tells Salamanca that he wishes Marco dead. Salamanca holds Marco's head under water in his beer cooler to see how serious his other son is, and eventually that son strikes the Good Don until he lets Marco go. We flash forward to the present day and the now-adult Cousins have places a picture of Hank at the base of their Santa Muerte shrine.

Hank follows Jesse back to his house after the whole RV-in-the-scrapyard incident last week and before Jesse can even defend himself, Hank beats the living shit out of him. Hank is eventually suspended without pay when he tells the whole truth about the incident. However, Jesse decided not to press charges. Why, you ask? Well let's explore.

Jesse is sent to the hospital following the beating and is badly bruised. Saul and Walter come to visit him and both are surprised to hear that Jesse is planning on cooking as soon as he is out of there, as well as pressing charges on Hank. When Walt explains that Jesse will be caught, his former protege says that if that happens, he'll simply turn in Heisenberg.

Walt dismisses this but is clearly somewhat nervous. Later, Skyler approaches him about convincing Jesse to drop the charges on Hank. As Walt soon becomes annoyed with his lab partner Gale, he asks Gus to let Jesse be his partner--who reluctantly agrees. When he approaches Jesse about it, Jesse refuses because he realizes Walt is only trying to get on his good side in regards to Skyler's request.

But is he? Sometimes it truly seems like Walt has a kinship with Jesse in regards to cooking. Gale might be the more qualified lab partner, but he just doesn't get Walt or his process. Jesse does. That doesn't mean that Hank's well-being wasn't also on Walt's mind when he approached Jesse about re-teaming, but I don't necessarily think it was his only motive. Anyway, after Jesse's initial refusal, he changes his mind when Walt admits that Jesse's meth was actually quite good--as good as Walt's actually.

Meanwhile, the Cousins meet with a fast-talking (see: annoying) gun runner who, while showing off his goods, gives one of the cousins a hollow point bullet "on the house." But they don't even want guns. They just want bullet-proof vests. And then to see how well they work, they shoot the gun-runner who happens to be wearing one. It works. Well.

When Hank leaves his meeting with his superiors and finds out that Jesse isn't pressing charges, he feels somewhat relieved. Until he gets into his car and receives a phone call from a mysterious voice telling him that two men are coming to kill him. The Cousins arrive, but Hank's brief heads-up allows him to run crush one of the Cousins with his car and escape from it (with the first Cousin's gun) before the other one can take him out. With one Cousin alive but incapacitated, the second one goes after Hank and ends up shooting him several times, though in non-fatal but crippling areas. Hank is able to fire back, but he only hits vest--though he does knock the gun-runner's bullet free from the Cousin's jacket to the ground.

The Cousin could have just capped Hank then and there, but he says it is too easy and goes to his car for his patented shiny axe instead. Meanwhile, Hank struggles to put the lone bullet in the now empty chamber of his gun and the Cousin drags the axe towards him. Just as the axe is lifted over his head, Hank fires a single shot through the skull of the Cousin.

End episode.

Breaking Bad is so damn subtle most of the time and can just explode with an episode like tonight. That previous subtly makes this explosion seem nuclear. We are just over halfway through the season and the producers treat us to an amazing episode like this. It only makes what is to come seem all the more special. Kudos to Vince Gilligan because this episode above all else will have submitted Breaking Bad among the best television shows of all time. And if you wanted to make the argument that it is the very best, I couldn't really come up with a retort.

Lingering Thoughts

- So apparently Don Salamanca never wanted to get involved with Gus Fring in the first place. It makes me wonder if his current near-vegetative state might not have been natural, but possibly at the hands of the cartel boss to keep him out of his prospective business with Gus. Just a thought.

- Speaking of Gus, I think the assumption is he was the one who warned Hank. Though if it wasn't him, who else could it have been? Any thoughts?

- Dean Norris and Aaron Paul both had some spectacular monologues tonight. They might be fighting each other for a Best Supporting Actor Emmy in a few months.

OVERALL GRADE: A++

(Yeah, two pluses. It was that good.)

*

Now THIS is how you sell clothing...

2010-04-29T20:15:00.006-05:00

I used to sell T-shirts outside of Wrigley Field. It was fun. I still do some work for the company and if you want to check out some of our shirts, you can click on the CrosstownTees link at the top of this page. Or even better, just go to CrosstownTees.com

We weren't the only crew outside Wrigley and we developed relationships (both good and bad) with some of our rivals out there. One such rival was a 48-year-old man named Joe Sienkiewicz, better known as simply "Cry."

He was called Cry because he used to sell shirts outside of U.S. Cellular Field as well that said Cubs are crybabies. And he said it like this:

This is Cry now:

This is Cry just hours before heading out to Studio 54 in Manhattan in 1977:

Clearly he's come a long way.

Nowadays, Cry still sells outside of Wrigley Field and probably does a bunch of other cool stuff too (like wearing hats or creeping out children). Lately though, he got bit by the political bug. At first he debated running for mayor of Chicago, but they don't allow escaped fugitives to file the necessary paperwork. So he jumped to the next logical resource: hilarious political t-shirts!

Cry leans a little to the right...so much so that he associates President Barack Obama with the end of the world. A logical standpoint without any possible retorts. It's something that everyone agrees with! Obama's reckless spending will lead to Armageddon! Or, more accurately:

OBAMAGEDDON!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Whether you agree with this assessment or not is irrelevant (and possibly qualifies as socialism), but the important thing is the marketing plan. First, Cryingham J. Cryington created the immensely popular website to sell the shirt www.obamageddon.biz (it's .biz because Cry means bizness, yo). Professional enough sure, but Cry also decided to take it to the next level.

By shooting a video...

Where he describes what's on the shirt...

In a manly voice...

With a bird in the background...

Now ignoring the fact that he doesn't use the Oxford Comma (don't listen to Vampire Weekend, Cry, we do give a fuck about it!), this is a pretty impressive video. Without it, I couldn't possibly determine if this shirt was worth my money. But now I know it is the greatest "Obamageddon T-shirt Out." Also, I'm totally allowed to "stop in" to his website (like in Tron?) and purchase as many as I like. So that's a pretty big coup.

But I wasn't really sold until Cry told me what the shirt comes complete with:

1.) Volcano

2.) Congress Building (normally called the Capitol Building, but what the hell, this isn't social studies test) exploding on top "just spitting out money."

I'll take 30!

Cool Song: "I'm Beamin" by Lupe Fiasco

2010-04-29T14:37:00.001-05:00

Fiiiiiiiiiinally.

*

TV Review: Breaking Bad - "Sunset"

2010-04-25T22:05:00.003-05:00

For the first time in my life, I said "Oh snap!" without a shred of irony. And it wasn't after the stomach-dropping final scene between Gus and Tuco's cousins. No it was after the opening scene when the cousins brutally axed a random rural police officer. It was a shocking, visceral scene that didn't necessarily have much to do with the rest of the episode, other than to possibly remind us about how terrifying these guys are.

The final scene on the other hand, where Gus gives up Hank's name to temporarily appease the cousins in their bloodlust towards Walt has much, much more implications going forward, but it wasn't "Oh snap!"-worthy because it wasn't exactly a surprise. I'm not saying I automatically think Hank is a goner, but he's gotten in way over his head in his investigation and the cracks have formed in his psyche. Guys like him don't stay out of danger forever and the cousins are as dangerous as it gets.

But these two scenes were just the bread (crust cut off of course) of tonight's amazing Breaking Bad sandwich. The meat, vegetables, mayonnaise, and spicy brown mustard were all equally powerful. And a lot of what made this episode work was the underlying feeling of nostalgia towards something that no one should really feel nostalgia towards: Jesse and Walt's RV.

Hank stakes out Jesse's house, hoping to get a look at the dirty-looking mobile meth machine. But Jesse has sent Badger and Skinny P to run his errands and Hank stays on the house, presumably for days based on the amount of fast food garbage in his passenger seat. One of these errands is to get the RV fixed so Jesse can get back to cooking his Badger-approved product. With Hank having no luck, he calls Walt (at Marie's suggestion) to ask if Walt remembers his former student/"pot dealer" owned an RV.

Walt freaks out (understandably) and attempts to call Jesse, thinks better of it, and hangs up to call Saul who tells him to get rid of the RV. He goes to the lot where Badger and his cousin (who we first met last season) are trying to fix it up. Badger's cousin has Walt take it to a man (played by that one guy that's in everything) who can compact it into a cube and send it to China. Unfortunately, Badger calls Jesse to warn him and Jesse arrives at the dump with Hank right behind him.

In a scene too tense for my fragile little brain, Walt and Jesse lock and close the windows from the inside as Hank inspects the RV. Just as he's about to to bust open the door, Trash Compactor Man comes to the rescue and lays out how many Fourth Amendment rights Hank is about to break. Hank calls for a warrant, but while he's waiting, Walt calls Saul who has his underpaid secretary call Hank with a phony accident report regarding Marie. Hank leaves to tend to his wife and Walt and Jesse leave the RV to watch it be destroyed.

It was sad to see the meth lab of seasons one and two destroyed so efficiently, but earlier in the episode, we were treated to Meth Lab 2.0...not to mention Jesse Pinkman 2.0, a.k.a. Walt's new cooking partner, Gale. We got a fairytale-like look at the new lab last week, but Gale introduction was equally memorable. When he has Walt taste his chemically produced perfect cup of coffee, Walt hilariously asks, "Why the hell are we making meth?" The wholesale cooking montage that followed was way too fun for something way too evil.

"Sunset" was without a doubt the best episode of the season so far. The best part is we aren't even halfway done and it was during the halfway point last season that Breaking Bad really picked up steam. With Walt, Jesse, and now Hank all in graver danger than they realize, the twists should keep on coming.

Lingering Thoughts

- I liked how Walt pointed out to Skyler that she already is an accessory to his crimes.

- Good to see Badger back. Now let's hope he can stop crashing through walls at Midas and bringing sausage links to parties.

- Windshield number three for Walt's car.

- Besides Breaking Bad, the other best drama in the history of television is obviously The Wire. My question: is David Costabile's appearance as Gale the first time an actor has appeared in both?

- "There's crime and then there's crime."

- What the hell was that machine Saul was vibrating his ass with? Actually, don't tell me.

OVERALL GRADE: A+

*

TV Review: Party Down - "Jackal Onassis Backstage Party"

2010-04-23T23:08:00.004-05:00

DISCLAIMER: This might be the only time you see a Part Down review on here because its timeslot (Friday, 9pm) makes it almost assuredly DVR material. And hell, I even watched it a few hours after it aired tonight because I had to work until 9 and then wanted to watch the Cubs game (6-1 victory!). But I love this show so much, I thought it was worth at least a quick recap, so here it is.

Party Down is likely the best show you've never seen. It's on Starz which, as far as I know, isn't a real network. But it premiered last season with ten hysterical, smart, raunchy, poignant, well-acted episodes and I was delighted (yes, delighted) to hear it had been renewed for a second (twice as long!) season.

When we last left the Party Down catering company, protagonist Henry Pollard (the pay cable equivalent of Jim Halpert played by the star of the recently amazing ESPN Sunday Night Baseball commercials, Adam Scott) reacts to the woman he loves (Casey played by the surprisingly hot Lizzy Caplan) leaving him for a gig performing comedy on cruise ships to be with the tightly-wound Valhalla catering team manager Uda. Team Manager Ron completes the mental/nervous/emotional breakdown that began when he disastrously catered his own high school reunion.

This season Ron is gone and Henry is the top man. And, much like his NBC Comedy Night Done Right equivalent, he's kind of become a dick with his newly acquired power. Still around are Martin Starr and Ryan Hansen as the perpetually bickering Roman and Kyle. Jane Lynch is gone (to be on a horrible show about teenagers who sing....*shudder*) as is her short-term replacement Jennifer Coolidge. They are replaced by the new slightly creepy older female character, Lydia (played by Megan Mullaly who I don't really like but enjoyed in her guest spot on Parks and Recreation earlier this year).

In the first scene, Henry has to fire a little person employee (Mickey from Seinfeld to be specific) for not giving enough of a shit about the job, something he himself was quite guilty of for nine-and-a-half of last season's episodes. He calls company president Alan Duck to send a replacement and who should appear but Casey. And though she expects much of the same slacker Henry that she knew from her first stint with the team, she is surprised to see this Henry is all business.

The business at hand is a backstage party for Marilyn Manson-like rock star Jackal Onassis, played by Liam McPoyle himself, Jimmi Simpson. At first I thought Simpson was going to play the role too broadly, but when he revealed that he wanted to switch places with one of the team members in order to feel what it's like to be a real person. Of course Roman volunteers and Jackal handles the bar duties, going under the guise of first-day employee Dennis.

And while the episode was full of funny character moments, I got a huge kick out of Dennis' interactions with the rest of the team. His lines like "That's classic Henry" were spot on. And when he eventually gets "fired" by an in-on-it Henry, I couldn't help but crack up at the grin on his face at feeling something so "real." He was the highest point in an episode with quite a few high points as it is.

Meanwhile, Roman fails at being a lusted-after rockstar because he's such an unlusted-after nerd that some goth makeup isn't going to change that. When he tries to hit on a group of girls, Kyle shows up and talks about his crappy little power-emo band and of course the girls end up way more interested in him. When Roman tries to call security to get Kyle out of there, the security guard asks what the problem is? Roman replies that he wants to talk to the girls that Kyle is charming. Security guard replies, pitch-perfectly, "But from a security angle?"

And if you were wondering if Ron was making an appearance you can wonder no more. He shows up outside the arena with the girl McLovin boned in Superbad because they are dating and she wants Jackal's autograph. Henry begrudgingly lets them backstage and to make a long story short, the girl gets her breasts signed by Roman and Ron gets tasered by security. In the final, mid-credits scene, Ron asks Henry if he could talk to Alan about getting his job back (spoiler alert: he will).

With all that being said, a few things felt off about this episode. For one, the Lydia character didn't really do it for me. While I liked that she had come up with a secret "sign" to share with Casey if things got too awkward around Henry, everything else about her felt like a watered-down Jane Lynch. Lynch had pretty high standards to live up to in season one however, and I'm not writing off Mullally yet.

My other very minor gripe was the difference in mood between season one and this episode. There just wasn't the same amount of depressing self-forfeiture that made the jokes in season one hit even harder. However, the brief moment when Jackal's manager (played by Michael Kostroff, a veteran of The Wire) mentions that Henry kind of looks like the "Are We Having Fun Yet?" guy. There's something very sad about him not even positively being recognized as the one role that made him briefly famous and that he now regrets every day. In short, it delves into the issue of whether or not its better to be a hasbeen or forgotten altogether. I hope these themes are delved into more throughout the season.

OVERALL GRADE: A-

*

Remember that song "Cotton-Eyed Joe?" Well the band had other songs too.

2010-04-22T15:10:00.004-05:00

Probably like a hundred of them actually, but I'm going to focus on one. The song "Wish You Were Here" (no not a cover of the Pink Floyd or Incubus songs) was released off the same album as "Cotton-Eyed Joe" and while "C-E J" has a special place in my Hangge Uppe-loving heart, "Wish You Were Here" is probably playing as the Muzak on the elevator to hell.

The song--according to my take on the lyrics and video--is about a young, Civil War-era lass who really wants her country man back home so she can wash his hair. Except she calls him "me oh my country man." Rednex are Swedish so that might simply be lost in translation, but God those are some awful lyrics.

But it's not just the thought of washing her man's hair that made her sing this sad, sad song (though she does apparently have an orgasm while doing so). No, she also wants to see her man fight! Another soldier! Shirtless!

Ah, Rednex, thank you. Without you, I wouldn't realize that U.S. history and homoerotic horseplay could mix together. Now I do!

Also in the video, a random ass-grabbing scene that our protagonist finds none to acceptable and shoves him into some bushes.

Also in the video, she feeds her man an apple.

Also in the video, battle scenes that make Avatar look like Crapatar.

:(

In other Rednex news (from eight years ago), they updated "Cotton-Eyed Joe" with a more aptly titled "Cotton-Eyed Joe 2002."

I can't even get into that one, but I should point out that the frontman and woman are singing into a lamp.

Where did you come from, Rednex and where did you go? And most importantly, when can you come back?

*

LOST Review - "The Last Recruit"

2010-04-20T21:03:00.004-05:00

One way to make the "flash-sideways" really work is to eliminate the singular focus on one character, thus eliminating the forced empathy that doesn't come easy with these Alternate Reality characters. "The Last Recruit" did just that.

In 2004 Los Angeles, characters did stuff. They ran around the city. They met each other in oddly coincidental ways. They just did stuff. It was a nice change of pace because it actually moved at a real pace.

A lot went down, so let's try and piece it all together (focusing just on the off-Island junk).

Jin and Sun Sun is rushed to the hospital with her gunshot wound. On the way in, she recognizes Locke (who is also being rushed in after being run down by Desmond), but when she wakes up near the end of the episode, she makes no mention of it. But Jin is happy to tell her that the baby is okay.

Locke Baldy is taken to the same hospital (with Ben in the ambulance) and Jack is called in to perform surgery. Part of Locke's problem is his dural sac is in bad shape, which, if you remember, was the same part of the human anatomy that Jack cut during his first surgery--according to the story he told Kate in the very first episode. Kind of a cool detail, I think.

Jack and Claire I'll include these to together because they both find out they are siblings. Claire was in Christian Shepherd's will (I'm not positive if this was mentioned before, but I think it was) and she shows up at the lawyer's (ZOMG ILANA!) because Desmond appears out of nowhere and whisks her inside in the guise of getting her free legal help for her now-planned adoption--with the adoption agency being on the same floor of Ilana's office building. (The previous sentence was horrible. Not going to change it, just pointing it out). Before they can really get into the whole will-reading part of their day, Jack is called to the hospital for Locke's surgery.

Kate, Sawyer, and Miles Kate's in custody at Detective Ford and Straume's precinct where she has a brief conversation with James about why he didn't arrest her at LAX. He claims he didn't see the handcuffs, but she thinks it's because he didn't want people knowing he was in Australia. Miles interrupts to tell him that they have a homicide at a restaurant to investigate. Surveillance footage from an ATM shows...

Sayid ...Sayid leaving the scene. They track him down at Nadia's house where he tries to escape, but is quickly outsmarted by Sawyer and a garden hose.

Now all of that might not seem like a ton of action, but just moving people around like that is a lot better than what we had been seeing for the past 13 weeks. Lucky for us, the on-Island storyline was also pretty exciting.

It starts out with a lot of chit-chatting between LockeMonster and Jack...Jack and Claire...Sawyer and Hurley...and it was all well and good but things really kicked in when Zoe appeared and said Widmore wants Desmond back. She shows what they are capable of by having her people on Hyrda Island launch some kind of missile that explodes only a hundred feet or so from LockeMonster's camp. She gives him until midnight, but he crushes the radio she gave him to call as soon as she leaves.

The confrontation is here, says LM, and he has Sawyer and Kate go pick up The Elizabeth (Desmond's boat--via Libby--that LockeMonster apparently gained possession of) and meet everyone else on the other side of the Island to trek across to the Hyrda Island. Except Sawyer has his own ideas. Before he leaves, he tells Jack to take Sun, Hurley, and Frank away from the group and meet them at the boat. Jack does just that but is seen by Claire who follows them. After putting a gun on them, Claire is eventually convinced by Kate to come with...against Sawyer's wishes (he doesn't trust Claire or Sayid...and nor should he.) They head off to Hydra.

Speaking of Sayid, he is sent by LockeMonster to kill Desmond. In the well, Desmond asks Sayid what LM promised him as he has a gun pointed at him. We don't see how this ends, but Sayid later tells his boss that the deed is done. Obviously it isn't, but fair enough.

On the way to Hydra, Jack tells Sawyer that he doesn't think they are doing the right thing. Sawyer tells Jack to get off his boat. Jack does and swims back to the main Island where LockeMonster is waiting for him.

When the others (not those Others) reach Hydra and are met by Zoe and her crew with guns drawn. Sun and Jin reunite finally and it's touching and all, but for something that has defined both of their characters for the past three seasons, it felt rushed to be honest. Anyway, Widdy tells Zoe that his deal with Sawyer is off and has our heroes taken captive. He then launches those missiles at LockeMonster and Jack. Some of LM's henchmen are killed, but LockeMonster is able to carry Jack to safety.

All in all, a very entertaining episode. It didn't quite connect with me as much as "Everybody Loves Hugo" but did a better job of moving the story closer to the ultimate endgame.

Lingering Thoughts

- When Sun recognized Locke, was it simply from being on the same plane, or did she have a vision of her other reality? I lean towards the latter. Jack recognizing Locke seemed more towards the former.

- As if we needed confirmation, but LockeMonster was nice enough to admit he was the vision of Jack's father that he saw in season one.

- Sawyer mentions he needs to take the sub because no one has ever escaped on a boat. But that's not true, since we know Michael did. He just had to leave aimed at specific coordinates. The question is, though, do those coordinates still apply since the Island was moved?

- I literally groaned when Sun suddenly knew English again. It was a stupid subplot and an even stupider resolution. One of the laziest, lamest bits of writing on a show that usually tries to avoid such things.

- I realized tonight that it is literally impossible for me to write "Hydra" without first typing out "Hyrda" first. Stupid brain.

OVERALL GRADE: A-

*

TV Review: Breaking Bad - "Mas"

2010-04-18T22:18:00.003-05:00

Even though it's after 10 pm, I'm still feeling pretty hungover from my friend Mark's magician-themed birthday party last night (don't ask...or better yet, do) so this is going to be brief as I don't think my brain can work efficiently enough to write something lengthy.

To make my life easier, I'm just going to point out where we are at with the characters follow "Mas" and not really too much about how they got there.

Walt's back to cooking. He seems to have made the decision after Skyler let him comfort the baby (I forgot the baby's name but I'm just going to assume it's something meth-related). Except he's doing it alone this time as he refuses Jesse's offer to front him 10% of his (Jesse's) earning as a courtesy to Walt for using his formula. Walt will be cooking in a state-of-the-art lab that Gus has constructed inconspicuously beneath his laundry business. Jesse is pissed (understandably so, in my opinion) and re-smashes Walt's windshield with a cinderblock.

Skyler is debating whether or not it's okay to spend some of Walt's meth-money and as she finds herself moving away from Ted and closer to Walt, the latter surprises her with the divorce papers signed.

Hank sees his El Paso job land in the lap of his partner, Gomez, but is able to track down Jesse's RV. Except in a pretty awesome little twist, Jesse never actually purchased the RV...at least not in the legal sense. When Walt gave Jesse money to buy it in season one, Jesse took a majority of that money and put it towards booze, drugs, strippers, and the accompanying stripper pasties. Luckily his soon-to-be-deceased buddy Combo has a hook-up: his mom. He steals her RV and gives it to Jesse. Eventually Hank finds his way to the Ortega residence and is allowed by Combo's mom to look into his room, where he finds a picture with one Jesse Pinkman.

I said this was going to be brief, and I'm not lying.

OVERALL GRADE: A

*

LOST Review - "Everybody Loves Hugo"

2010-04-13T21:03:00.003-05:00

In a season that, frankly, I've been less than overwhelmed with, I can safely say that I think "Everybody Loves Hugo" was easily my favorite of said season so far (yes even more than "Ab Aeterno" or "LA X") and can stand toe-to-toe with some of the best of the series. It had drama, twists, action, and humor and even offered a Flash-Sideways which kept my interest and had me interested about what's to come. Whether or not LOST can keep up this momentum still needs to be determined, but I am feeling more optimistic than I had all season.

Tonight was a Hurley episode and that can sometimes leave me feeling underwhelmed. But kudos must be given out to Jorge Garcia who carried the emotional depth necessary to make the episode work. In his Flash-Sideways, Hurley isn't the unlucky sap we know him as. Instead, he is a globally-known chicken salesman and philanthropist (NOT a full-on-rapist). The one problem, at least according to his mother, is he can't get a girlfriend. (When she outlined her plan to set him up on a blind date, I groaned. Luckily, this was just the set-up for something greater.) When his blind date doesn't show up, Hurley is instead met by Libby. She is still just as wakko as she was in the original timeline, but when she claims she has memories of Hurley in that timeline, Hurley follows up.

After bribing his way into talking to her at the Santa Rosa Mental Hospital by bribing Dr. Brooks with a $100,000 check to refurbish the rec room. Again, Libby tells him about her "false" memories of them spending time together and again Hurley doesn't remember. But when he takes her on a picnic date on the beach (Libby is apparently in the hospital voluntarily, though it was kind of weird that Dr. Brooks shoved her in a van when she acted out at the Mexican restaurant) and kisses him on the cheek (awwww), he has a flash of realization. All the while, Desmond watch gleefully from his car.

On to Desmond. He's clearly trying to round up the Oceanic 815 passengers to, well, who knows. Connect them with their other personalities, presumably, but we obviously don't know how (though I wouldn't be surprised if it has something to do with the Lamppost Station). But after his fainting at the hands of Penny's handshake, Desmond has developed a pretty intense understanding of what he needs to do to get everyone on the same page. But he also seems to know that dirty work has to be done. Outside of Ben and Locke's school, he watches Locke roll his way up a hill (as Ben questions the creepiness of Desmond just chilling in his car outside of a school). Then he runs downs a helpless Locke in his car as the episode comes to an end.

That's not the end of this review however, because I didn't get to all the stuff on the Island. Silly gooses. Speaking of the Desmond-Locke (or, well, whatever Locke is) connection, in the on-Island universe, LockeMonster has the upper-hand. After being delivered by Sayid, LockeMonster takes the Scotsman to a well (not the Orchid well) and after talking about how it is a place of strong magnetic energy, tosses Desmond down into it.

Meanwhile, on the other side of the Island, Richard is going forward with his plan to blow up the Ajira plane to stop LockeMonster from getting off. Ilana goes off to collect dynamite from the Black Rock and explains how--BOOM! Bye bye, Ilana. You just got Arzt'd!

After seeing Ilana get all exploded, Richard still wants to get more dynamite, but Hurley is told by the ghost of Michael that this is a bad idea. So Hurley goes ahead and blows up the Black Rock himself. When Richard confronts him about it, Hurley says that Jacob told him to do it. Richard knows a lie when he sees one though and forms his own faction with Ben and Miles to go get grenades from DHARMA-ville to still try and blow up the plane. Jack, meanwhile, has decided to let himself go and follow what Hurley has planned and goes along with Sun and Lapidus to talk to LockeMonster.

For the first time all season, I really want to rewatch an episode the next day. So I will. Because I'm off.

Lingering Thoughts

- Richard says that Jacob told him "what the Island is." My guess: gigantic Mr. Cluck's franchise space waiting to happen.

- Or maybe like a spaceship.

- LockeMonster mentions that Hurley, Sun, and Jack have to leave the Island with LockeMonster's crew because they all came together...not unlike how the Oceanic 6 returned. After Eloise Hawking pointing out how important this idea was last season and then finding out that, meh, you don't have to be exact, I have my doubts.

- Hurley's line "I'm protecting us" makes me think he is the new Ilana, no?

- Why the face is up with that creepy kid that LockeMonster is being stalked by?

- So the whispers are ghosts that can't "move on." Okay. Am I allowed to?

- LockeMonster says the well he tossed Desmond in isn't the only well on the Island. We know of the Orchid well, but are there more?

- I totally thought LockeMonster was going to cap Lapidus as soon as he emerged from the jungle since he doesn't need him like he needs Jack, Sun, and Hurley. But then again that would go against my theory that LockeMonster is really the good guy in this whole thing. (Obviously tossing Desmond down the well wouldn't support this, but it might be one of those "for the greater good" things.) (Plus *spoiler alert* it's pretty clear from next week's preview that Desmond ain't dead.)

- Seriously, how badass was the Ilana explosion?

OVERALL GRADE: A+

*

TV Review: Breaking Bad - "Green Light"

2010-04-11T22:04:00.003-05:00

For a show about crystal meth production, it sure took this season awhile to get down to producing it. Though last week we saw Jesse pop on a gas mask in the RV, we really didn't know for sure he was cooking. It was confirmed in the opening scene of "Green Light" when Jesse convinced a gas station clerk to take some in exchange for gas and cigarettes. She accepts, but this action could eventually lead to Jesse's downfall as Hank eventually skips out on his transfer to El Paso to follow a lead to said gas station.

The key isn't that the clerk could provide much relevant information (though she did confirm Hank's suspicions that Heisenberg is using an RV), but the ATM camera outside the station sure does. Hank figures out that the RV in question has been gutted off all heavy accessories so that it can hold...something. When he goes to the DMV, he narrows it down to 29 similar RVs registered in the state of New Mexico. While Hank's boss clearly thinks that Hank should go to El Paso instead, he allows him to follow this lead. And, really, it's only a matter of time until he finds the RV and then Jesse and then Walt.

But Jesse isn't the small time c(r)ook he was before he started his partnership with Walt. Walt is a teacher after all, and apparently a good one because Jesse is able to produce a stash of meth at least somewhat comparable to Walt's recipe (though, apparently, just a little less impressive than Walt's). The apprentice approaches the master to show off his work and see if he can be hooked up with Gus, as well as to show off his work. Instead, Walt berates Jesse (is it weird that I was proud of Jesse for doing so well?) and pushes him out of his life.

But Jesse knows that Saul was the original connection to Gus (via Mike of course) in the first place, so he approaches the lawyer (who, by the way, is putting together a class-action suit against Wayfarer Airlines) and eventually is able to connect with Gus's people. Except when he delivers the drugs, he only gets half of the expected money. The other half goes to Walt, at Gus's demand. It would seem that Gus only agreed to purchase from Jesse after Mike told him that the two had "broken up," and it would also seem that he is planning to use Jesse and Walt's own greed against Walt.

Speaking of our main man, Walt is continuing his downward spiral in a charming fashion. After he tries to start a confrontation with Ted (failing to break the man's office window with a potted plant), he then tries to hit on his boss, Principal Hottie. Though there seemed to be the slightest hints at some chemistry between the two last season, she flat rejects him and more or less forces him to take a leave of absence.

Bryan Cranston had a pretty low-key night as a lot of this episode focused on Jesse and Hank, but I have to give him credit during that final scene where Gus's lackey tosses a bag of money into Walt's car while he's stopped at a red light. He goes from being almost annoyed (stupid guilt) instead of saddened by the news that Jane's father Donald had shot himself to showing shock and possibly a little content at receiving the payment. It was all very brief and subtle, but extremely well-executed.

This episode didn't have all the same highs as the first three of season three, yet was still very good and I was shocked at how quickly it seemed to run. I think the "stay of execution" on Walt thanks to Gus may have taken away a bit of the suspense and paranoia that had been seeping beneath the surface of those early episodes, but the writers were smart enough to remind us of the underlying dangers of the cartel with them apparently marking the street in front of Walt's house with a chalk sickle. They may be holding off on doing the final deed, but that doesn't mean they aren't keeping tabs.

Lingering Thoughts

- Not that it necessarily matters, but the radio didn't confirm that Donald Margolis was killed by his suicide attempt. Then again, maybe it will.

- I liked how the aftermath of Skyler's revelation about what she did with Ted was presented via Saul and Mike listening to the secret audio tapes. It lightened up a scene that would have normally been supremely intense and even invoked a little humor. Breaking Bad is a show that plays with the emotions of the audience (some might call that manipulative, but I don't), and here it did so in a positive light.

- So Skyler is still "F"ing "T."

- The biggest laugh of the night had to have been when an irritated Mike nonchalantly pulled Walt and Saul apart from their tussle in Saul's office. Second place goes to Walt not being able to break Ted's window.

- A lot of people on Twitter tonight pointed out that it seems Walt and Jesse have almost switched roles this season, with Jesse being the intricate businessman and Walt being the careless burnout. The thing is, Jesse isn't quite as smart as Walt, but Walt might be in even worse shape mentally than Jesse from the middle of season two. That doesn't bode well for either.

OVERALL GRADE: A-

*

The Chicago Cubs Victory Hug Appreciation Post

2010-04-09T14:23:00.006-05:00

Last night the Cubs shut out the Braves 2-0 to avoid being swept. Along with poorly-drafted-yet-surprising-promising outfielder Tyler Colvin hitting a solo home run, Marlon Byrd hit one as well. Byrd was hated upon quite a bit when he was signed, and while I would have preferred Curtis Granderson or even Mike Cameron, I still was extremely happy when he was acquired. He's a serviceable defensive centerfielder (last year he was a negative defender but the previous four years he was a plus) with some pop and solid enough walk rate. Most importantly, he allows Kosuke Fukudome move to right field where (as we saw last night), he's a spectacular defender.

But honestly, Marlon Byrd could be like early 2000s Barry Bonds (and I should note he is on pace to break Bond's single-season home run record--just sayin') and I wouldn't necessarily blog about it. The reason I'm writing about him is because of a new tradition he apparently brought with him from previous stops in his career: The Victory Hug.

Last year, the outfielders would celebrate a win by running towards each other and leaping into the year to apparently go ass-to-ass like in the end of Requiem for a Dream. This year, the outfielders decided to mark their achievement with a much more heterosexual way, with three grown men hugging each other.

The Victory Hug is achieved with two main steps.

First, the Pre-Hug Invitation:

Finally, the Hug:

It's that simple.

Expect this to become a staple of the bleacher bums by early May.

*

LOST Review - "Happily Ever After"

2010-04-06T21:07:00.003-05:00

When we look back at this final season of LOST, we will probably look at "Happily Ever After" as a turning point episode. While many people have enjoyed the Flash-Sideways technique employed this season, others like me have found it to be uninteresting and (fearfully) pointless. This episode is where they tried to eliminate our worries by showing us that these off-Island stories are connected to what's going on on the Island (though that's not to say I had any doubt they wouldn't end up being connected, I just think outside of a few shots of characters possibly seeming to understand something is off, the show took way too long to confirm it). Yet even with this revelation finally presented to us, I'm not sure I want the Flash-Sideways to connect to the Island timeline at all.

Here's why: For the first few seasons of the show, the ultimate goal of the characters (outside of battling their various personal demons) was to get off the freaking Island. And then in the end of season four, six characters did. Then their goal was to come back to the Island and rescue the people who were left behind. And, well, they're in the middle of that part, but they at least got back to the Island (minus Aaron of course). So now they are back and trying to get off again (that's what she said) and also apparently trying to make sure LockeMonster doesn't get off. And that's fine. I'm somewhat burned out by the whole get-on/get-off/get-on/get-off goals, but if the final goal is simply to get everyone back to L.A. with Smokey stuck behind, then I'm happy.

But the thing is, the Flash-Sideways characters will now end up having their own goals to, likely, get back to the Island. Or connect with their alternate personalities on the Island. Or create the Island in the first place. Or whatever it ends up being. But no matter what, it's just expecting too much of us (or more specifically, me) to give a shit. Re-connecting the Alternate 815 passengers with the Real 815 passengers is just too convoluted in a show that's already convoluted enough. And, just as a lot of people will disagree with me about the merits of the Flash-Sideways, many more wont mind LOST adding this extra layer. But I do. And while I'm still enjoying this season as a whole, I'm enjoying it far less than all of the others.

In summary, when I first heard that ABC had set season six as the show's final, I was upset. Now I'm thanking them for it. As much joy as I've gotten out of this show, I really think I'd give up on watching it if it wasn't almost over.

The funny thing after that horribly long rant of mine is that while I don't like what it means for the show going forward, I kind of liked "Happily Ever After."

Much like "Ab Aterno," tonight's episode was one long tale book-ended by the main timeline. In said timeline, Desmond is awoken and locked into a room with a big ass electromagnetic blaster thingy that had previously fried a poor Team Widmore redshirt named Simmons. But the reason Desmond was brought back to the Island in the first place was because he survived the electromagnetic event that brought Oceanic 815 down and Widmore needed to see if he could survive it again.

So they light that sucker up and we Flash in a Sideways type direction to Desmond at the airport having yawn-inducing run-ins with AlternaHugo and AlternaClaire. He is picked up by George Minkowski (thank God we got to see him again!) and taken to his boss who turns out to be Chuck Widmore himself. Widdy needs him to pick up Charlie from the police station because he is supposed to perform with Drive Shaft at his wife's charity function and Charlie needs a babysitter.

So after Charlie is picked up, he explains to Desmond how just as he was about to choke to death on the plane, he saw an image of a blonde woman that he knew was his soulmate and he wanted to have that feeling again. In attempting to do so, he grabs Desmond's steering wheel and crashes their car into a lake or something. Desmond tries to pull Charlie out, but has to swim around to his side of the car to do so. Charlie puts his hand on the glass much like he did before his death in "Through the Looking Glass." Desmond has a vision that the hand says "Not Penny's Boat."

Neat. Not even being sarcastic here. That was neat. (Maybe because one of favorite scenes in the history of the show was Charlie's final redemptive act before he died, so I liked how they went back to that.)

Later at the hospital, Desmond freaks out after seeing an image of Penny (though he doesn't know it's Penny yet) while in the MRI machine and soon after tries to chase down Charlie, but eventually let's him get away. When he tries to tell the bossman, Widdy sends him to see his wife, Eloise, to tell her himself. And despite some warnings that she's something of an ice queen, she is actually very understanding. But when Desmond hears the name Penny being mentioned by the Party Planning Committee (hehe) and he asks to see the guest list, Eloise pulls him aside and scolds him, explaining that Desmond "isn't ready."

Desmond goes to leave and is stopped by Daniel "Don't call him Faraday" Widmore who had a vision similar to the ones Desmond and Charlie had. His happened when he saw the woman of his dreams in a museum (zomg! I wunder if itz Charlotte??!?!). He woke up the next morning and wrote out an extremely complicated quantum mechanics formula. Except the thing is, AlternaDaniel isn't a quantum physicist; he's a musician. He has no idea what it all means, but with the help of a buddy at CalTech, he figures it has something to do with when he helped set up the explosion at the Swan site in "The Incident." Well, he doesn't really even understand that, but his intuition tells him that it did happen.

He also tells Desmond that he knows who Penny is and where she'll be because she's actually his half-sister. That destination turns out to be the same stadium where he met Jack in "Man of Science, Man of Faith," where Penny is running up and down the stairs in a similar way. He introduces himself, shakes her hand, faints (more on that in a second obviously), wakes up, invites her to get coffee, and gets a yes! (Go Scotland!)

In the back of Minkowski's limo, before he's off to his date, Desmond asks him to get the manifest for Oceanic 815. He has to "show them something."

Back to the fainting, this is when Desmond woke up in the real timeline, and despite flipping out on Widdy only 20 minutes before, he now goes along with everything the man asks. On his way for his next assignment (?), Widdy's henchmen--who are escorting Desmond--are attacked and mostly killed by Sayid. Sayid tells Desmond that he needs to come with him, and in the same, almost hypnotic manner that he agreed to help Widdy a few minutes earlier, he agrees to go with Sayid.

Lingering Thoughts

- This was a very beautifully shot episode. Some scenes like the car crash and Desmond being inserted into the MRI machine were top notch. Kudos to director Jack Bender

- Sayid let's Zoe (I called her Ally last week, though, to be fair, Widdy's accent didn't help) live and tells her to just run away. Can we read anything into this? Does Sayid still have some good in him?

- Was anyone else reminded of the opening scene of Jurassic Park during the scenes where Widmore's peeps were setting up the electromagnetic room? No? No one?

- Sure, Desmond can survive catastrophic electromagnetic events, but why?

OVERALL GRADE: B

*

Finding 6 Positives Among the 17,650 Negatives from the Cubs Opening Day

2010-04-05T18:18:00.010-05:00

Okay that might be a bit of an exaggeration in the title. There were probably lot more negatives than that. But let's look anyway.

Positive #1: It's game one.

There are 161 to go. Yeah, it was as bad of a start as you can think of (in fact, I read on Twitter that it was the worst opening day score in franchise history, but I'm too depressed to confirm it), but this game actually only counts as one loss. Many of you will think it counts as like 60, but trust me, they haven't changed that rule yet.

Positive #2: The middle of the order looked pretty good.

Kosuke Fukudome: 2 for 3 with a walk
Derrek Lee: 0 for 3 but a walk as well
Aramis Ramirez: 2 for 4 with a 2-run homer
Marlon Byrd: 1 for 4 with a 3-run homer (though he got robbed in the sixth on a drop by Nate McLouth which I'll get to later)

Of course the rest of the lineup went 0-14, so that's not good. The Cubs were the best offensive team in the NL in 08 because they had a bottom of the order that actually produced. Alfonso Soriano, Geovany Soto, and the Mike Fontenot/Jeff Baker platoon are going to need to show major improvement for the Cubs to contend. That being said, the first three could all be considered pretty big bounce back candidates (I didn't include Baker because he was pretty solid last year in limited action).

Positive #3: The Cubs were really, really, really unlucky for most of the game.

That's hard to justify as a positive, but it just goes to show that if only a few plays went differently, the Cubs could have at least put on a much more competitive performance.

Case in point, the first inning. Carlos Zambrano probably shouldn't have a 54.00 ERA right now. He actually started pitching pretty well in the first. He gave up a lead-off walk, but that pitch could easily be called a strike. Derryl Cousins' strike zone was tight. Not an excuse, I'm just pointing it out.

Zambrano followed this by giving up three straight weak, bloopy, seeing eye basehits. The Martin Prado single was at least hit down the line, but the next two by Larry Jones and Brian McCann landed in no-mans-land between the infield and the outfield. Ryan Theriot and Byrd played both hits very poorly and if Byrd especially had been in a couple more steps, neither of them find grass. Zambrano then struck out Troy Glaus which would have been the third out. Instead, Yunel Escobar came up and dribbled another seeing-eye single through the middle.

After this, Z stopped being defensible as he served up hanging beachball moonshots to Jason "Professional Baseball Announcer Fellatio Puppet" Heyward in the first and Brian McCann in the second. Between these was an ill-advised throw to third base that cost another run. But, again, if those two bloops are caught, there's not telling how different Zambrano's performance could go.

(This is the point where you would argue to me that those instances are what happens in baseball and you can't hypothesize about "what might have been." And I agree. It was still a really bad Zambrano outing. I just think it wasn't as completely terrible as it looked early on.)

And then there was the unlucky play that you absolutely could argue about "what might have been" because it involved the umpires getting a crucial, crucial, CRUCIAL call wrong.

In the top of the 6th with Cubs only down three runs (8-5 if you are playing at home), Aramis Ramirez singled to left. Marlon Byrd proceeded to hit a screamer to center field that 2008 Gold Glover (*snicker*) McLouth began to catch...until it clearly fell out of the glove and hit grass. McLouth then proceeded to pick up the ball, off of the grass, and throw it to the infield where it eventually reached Troy Glaus at first. Despite it being extremely clear in the live feed to everyone except Len Kasper and four supposedly trained umpires, they called it a catch and said that Ramirez (who apparently isn't blind or mentally challenged) was out because he went to second and was thus tagged out at first. Lou Piniella complained (a little too mild-mannerly I might add) and the umps conferred, but they "confirmed" their original "call."

Now a lot of people think that instant replay is bad for baseball *coughBradHeinzCough*, and this doesn't necessarily make them an idiot in general, but it does make them an idiot about instant replay in baseball. Opponents complain that the "human element" is a part of the game, but they are idiots because the call should always be made correctly. They complain that instant replay would make games too long, but they are idiots because how long do people really think it would take to make a call like today's correctly?...and the call should always be made correctly anyway, regardless of the time it takes to make it.

If the umpires made the right call (among them was Jim Wolf who was behind the plate in June, 2007 when the Cubs were playing, of course, the Braves and he ejected Ted Lilly for beaning Edgar Renteria without any warning to the benches in another loving display of umpire idiocy) the Cubs would have had two men on, with no outs, in a three run game with Alfonso "Sure he's sucked a lot recently, but he's obviously very capable of hitting a game-tying home run" Soriano. Good God, if you are a Cubs fan and you aren't infuriated by this, then you must really be a Texas Rangers fan in disguise.

The Cubs got completely screwed and there is nothing they can do about it...

Positive #4: ...or is there?

Okay, really there isn't. But the Cubs could protest the call by noon tomorrow. They won't because for some reason Bud Selig defends his terrible crop of umpires blindly (see: 2009 MLB Playoffs), but maybe the Cubs might try it just in case. And maybe, for once, Selig will try and set a precedence and actually force the Cubs and Braves replay the game from the point of the missed call.

Again, this won't happen and I didn't bother to watch any of the post game interviews where I'm sure Lou "Good God I wish we had a different manager not just for this reason but for many, many more" Piniella already announced that he isn't going to protest the call. But, hey, I'm just listing positives in a dung-heap of negatives, so even potential positives need to be listed.

Positive #5: The left-handed pitchers looked pretty damn good.

Sean Marshall: 2.2 scoreless innings pitched, no hits, no walks, five strikeouts (probably should have been left in longer)
James Russell: 2 scoreless innings pitched, two hits, no walks, one strikeout
John Grabow: .2 scoreless innings pitches, no hits, no walks

I'm not sure I like the idea of having three lefties in the bullpen, but they sure as hell looked a lot better than the righties who (including Zambrano) combined for 2.2 innings pitched and 14 (14!) earned runs. Yikes.

Jeff Samardzija hasn't done anything in his time in the majors and he keeps getting opportunities there simply because the Cubs signed him for way too much. He should probably be this year's David Patton at best: mop-up duty only!

Positive #6: It's game one!

Seriously. Step away from the ledge. It'll be okay.

*

TV Review: Breaking Bad - "I.F.T."

2010-04-04T22:04:00.002-05:00

Skyler White is a character that suffers from Rita Morgan/Carmela Soprano/Betty Draper-syndrome. They have husbands who deep down aren't horrible human beings (well, for the most part), but they do a lot of horrible things. Still, we as the audience relate to characters like Walt, Dexter, Tony, and Don because they are so damn interesting. When their wives start to get in the way of whatever inherently-evil-yet-entertaining deeds they might be up to, it's hard for us to not get pissed at the wives by making the assumptions that they are simply nags. The truth is, if we didn't know so much about the protagonists, we'd almost assuredly be on the side of the wives who have to deal with these compulsive liars of husbands.

So when Skyler decided to sleep with Ted Beneke as a way to hurt Walt when it seemed every other attempt to hurt him (ask for a divorce, keep him away from his kids, threaten to reveal his secret) failed, it was easy to want to scream at the TV for her to leave our Walty alone. Hell, even the fact that she felt the need to hurt him is infuriating. But the fact of the matter is, she wanted him out of her life and he kept calling her bluffs until finally this was her only option. And while the immediate and long terms effect of that final line to Walt (hence, the "I.F.T." in the title) are unknown, we can safely assume it's not going to be pretty.

The scenes between Anna Gunn and Bryan Cranston were so intense that I could rant about them for a few more paragraphs, except so much other story movement occurred that I'd be remiss if I didn't focus in on some of the other details. And each of the three main subplots were immensely compelling in their own right.

The most important scene to this season as a whole going forward was the meeting between Gus and the head of the Cartel (along with Tuco's cousins and uncle). Gus explained that he put the stop to Walt's murder because the two men are still in business and the Cartel (with whom he holds some level of an alliance) should respect that. When he is done with Walt, the cousins can have him. And the Jefe agrees...for now. But he recommends that Gus finishes his business with Walt quickly because the cousins want blood and might not wait. This last little detail is pretty creepy because it means that Gus called in his one "Stop the Murder" card and likely won't get another one (not that he really seems to care about Walt's well-being in the first place...other than making money). Their is going to be an underlying tension all season long that Walt could be done in any moment. I like that.

But the thing is, for a show about cooking meth, there has been decidedly little cooking this season so far. All that might be changing soon though because Jesse ends up in the RV in the desert near the end of the episode. He had been calling Jane's phone over and over again to hear her personal voicemail. When her phone line is finally disconnected, he makes his way out to the RV and puts on a gasmask. We'll have to wait and see what this is all about next week.

Finally, we get some movement with Hank who has been invited to return to El Paso after Tortuga's big head asplosion. Except he isn't over his panic attacks quite yet and, apparently, tries to overcome them by just beating the shit out of some druggies at a dive bar. His partner (I can't remember his name) covers for him, but Hank seemed to "break bad" himself a bit.

But the main bad breaker tonight was Skyler and maybe we can put Anna Gunn squarely in the realm of the other amazing actors on this show because she's my MVP of the night. How she went from her shaking call to the police to the cold-blooded way she said "I fucked Ted" was amazing because she made that transition so believable. Kudos.

Lingering Thoughts

- The bleeped out F-word was a surprise, but we gotta remember that season one had a lot of bleeped out swears because the producers weren't sure if it would go to HBO or Showtime or another network where they could get away with that. I kind of like that they brought it back. Sure, it makes you aware that you are watching a TV show, but these characters WOULD say "fuck" so therefore they should.

- I didn't mention the opening scene that explained how Danny Trejo's head ended up on the tortoise's back, but it was a nice introduction to the Cartel leader character who will likely be very important going forward. It also re-introduced us to how hardcore the cousins are. Man, those guys are brutal.

- And if you weren't reminded of that, seeing them show up to the meet with Gus in an old lady's handicapped accessible van should have been the icing on the cake.

- It seemed that when Skyler brought up Walt's cancer to the lawyer, it was the first time it's been mentioned all season. That line about how Walt's remission (or whatever you want to call it) likely being only temporary felt a little tacked on but I think we need to be reminded that, hey, this is still an issue.

OVERALL GRADE: A+ (yeah I know it's been three straight A+ reviews, but I've found no faults with this season so far.

*