Moments ago, Mayor Richard M. Daley announced he would not be running for re-election in Chicago in 2011. As a proud supporter of Daley, I am sad to see the man move on, but I respect his decision. However, this new development has opened the door for a new era of government in the City of Chicago and I would like to formally announce my candidacy for the mayoral race in 2011.
I will be getting to the multiple levels of my platform momentarily, but first let me tell you a little about myself. I am a 24-year-old graduate of DePaul University with a Bachelors Degree in Communication (the most prestigious degree you can get from the alma mater of the great Mayor Daley himself) and a job selling perfume and cologne at Macy's. I currently live in the Chicago suburb of Tinley Park, but it would only take some brief "creative bookkeeping" to change my residency to a Chicago address. I am single, but always looking out for a future first lady (good hygiene is very important, ladies).
I love the City of Chicago and all its residents (minus 7 or 8 exceptions) and look forward to maintaining and expanding our reputation as a world-class metropolis.
Now that you know about me on a personal level, please allow me to enlighten you about how I will improve the lives of Chicagoans while serving as mayor. My agenda features eight individual plans that will not only continue ideals that make Chicago so great, but also taking it to the next level: Level 2.
These plans are as follows:
1.) All gay Chicagoans must get married.
Oh yeah. I started out with a big one. To be honest, while I support gay marriage, I don't think it should be a political issue. However, my campaign is going to need a big, attention-grabbing platform that will assuredly get my name in the papers.
Some gay people might be single or might be in relationships but don't want to be married. Too bad. You're getting married. Every gay person will have six weeks (starting from my first day in office) to find/settle on a significant other to marry.
If we have an odd number, the last man or woman standing will have to move to Joliet. Poor bastard.
To make the actual marriage ceremonies run smoothly, Mobile Marriage Vans will be patrolling the streets of Lakeview and Andersonville, always ready to help mold the happy bonds of matrimony.
As a bonus to make this scenario run smoothly, once the couples are married, they will be awarded a $20 gift certificate to Applebee's. So, win-win.
2.) Food carts are not only legal, they are mandatory.
There has been talk lately of allowing food carts in the city much like those you can find in New York. Well, I'm not only allowing it, I'm demanding it.
Every Chicago resident must own a food cart where they prepare their best dish, be it Creme Brulee or Easy Mac. Then once a year, each person will be among a group of Chicagoans to present their food to me at City Hall where I will feast on whatever meal looks most appetizing on my lunch break (only 45 minutes...I work for you, people).
If any resident wants to own and manage a food cart beyond this Annual Mayoral Offering, they are more than welcome to apply for a business license ($200) and permit ($75).
3.) All handguns are replaced with squirt guns.
Gang violence is a major issue in Chicago and one that has to be dealt with immediately. I propose that a taskforce be created to comb the entire city limits and find every handgun in every residence or in the possession of every citizen. Then, each of these people will be compensated with a Super Soaker Soaker-Wars Hyrdo Furry (2-Pack).
This will work on several different levels. First, it will appease defenders of the Second Amendment because every resident will have the right to bear arms. Just not ones that fire bullets. Secondly, I think once the gang leaders start to realize how much fun it is to shoot water at each other, they'll think about the preciousness of life and give up their criminal ways.
Now of course, there could always be a few rapscallions who put Tabasco sauce in their squirt guns in order to commit crimes, but to those potential wrong-doers I say this: "Don't be lame."
4.) We're holding the 2016 Olympics anyway!
Yeah, yeah, yeah, the International Olympic Committee may have chosen Rio De Janeiro to host the Olympic Games in 2016, but they can't stop us from building all of the necessary stadiums, housing, and other infrastructure that was included in our previous plan and budget. And then when people realize how much cooler our Olympic Village will be compared to Rio's, I bet the athletes will want to come here anyway.
Plus, did you know that in South America, the summertime is actually their wintertime? They are holding a Summer Olympics in the winter? Is this a joke? I can't imagine American swimmer Michael Phelps or Russian basketball player Andrei Kirilenko will stand for that. It is only a matter of time before they realize that Chicago is a better choice for them.
5.) We'll treat the Asian Carp with respect and hopefully they'll treat us with respect.
Look, other Midwestern states, I know you are all pissed off that we are letting a bunch of Asian Carp into Lake Michigan and it's going to ruin everyone's fishing industry, but you all need to chill out a bit. We're not saying we're huge fans of the Asian Carp ourselves, but that doesn't mean we have to be so rude to them, now does it?
If we let them know that they are welcome to our lake, I have to think that they'll look up at us with their beady fish eyes and think, "Hmm, it's nice to have the respect of a greater species such as you humans. Maybe we shouldn't destroy this habitat with reckless abandon. Maybe we should be friends."
If I can get the Carp to respect us, I need you other states to respect me. Reciprocity is the name of the game.
6.) Jim Belushi is banned for life.
Many people give Jim Belushi credit for being such a die-hard Chicago sports fan and overall city defender. Well I don't. Belushi sucks at everything he does. According to Jim was on the air for 182 episodes and that's 200 episodes too many. You may love Chicago, Mr. Belushi, but you won't be doing it in the city limits anymore.
But seriously, The Defenders looks pretty good.
Teaming up with Jerry O'Connell is a one-way ticket to Hollywood immortality.
7.) No more kickbacks, slush funds, or other "Chicago Outfit"-style politics
Honesty and integrity are my number one priority as Mayor. I represent every single citizen and believe that it is my duty to act in the highest honor that holding such a position entails.
That being said, if you would like to donate to my campaign fund, please feel free to contact Vinny DiAugustina at DiAugustina Bail Bonds at 2200 S. Wabash. He will send over several men to pick up your donation, so you won't even need to worry about the postage. (Cash only, please.)
8.) Prostitution will remain illegal.
Sorry, but I just can't change this law despite much outcry from smelly, overweight losers who can't get girlfriends. My morals just don't bend like that, fellas.
And there you have it. Eight campaign promises that will not only make the city as a whole better, but it will make each and every one of your individual lives better.
This campaign won't be an easy one to win. I will need all of the support I can get from great Chicagoans and friends such as you, dear reader. But I think we all know that as great of a job Daley has done during his tenure, things can still be improved. I hope you realize that my voice, my vision, and my heart is what is needed to make those improvements work.
So please, go forth, spread the word about why you think I am the key to a better future here in the City of Big Shoulders. Without word of mouth, my campaign will falter. This elections isn't just something I must win, it is something WE must win.
God bless you. God bless America. And God bless the great City of Chicago, Illinois!
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