Tonight I felt a feeling that I have never felt before. I actually didn't even think it was possible to feel it. And yet, something changed in me and it makes me wonder what I'm becoming in my old age. Will I still be able to look at myself in the mirror every morning? Will I still be able to show my face to my friends and family? How could I break down and feel the thing that I felt?
How could I feel sorry for a grenade?
I can't come up with a reasonable answer, but it was a feeling that washed over me nonetheless. When The Situation, Pauly D, and Vinny were striving to seal the deal with three D.T.F. ladies, a fourth girl (who represented the epitome of grenadedom) also arrived as the dreaded tag-along.
Luckily, she seemed to realize the low-quality nature of her existence and accepted the responsibility of sleeping alone and not bothering the three attractive couple engaged in various forms of intercourse.
But, she had to feel pretty down about her predicament and I almost wished she wasn't involved with the circumstances to begin with. She clearly knew she was a grenade and I can only imagine the loathing a self-aware grenade must feel for herself.
Now, let me be clear: this doesn't mean I think that The Situation, Pauly D, or Vinny should have put some moves on her or even talk to her. A grenade is still a grenade. But, I still couldn't help myself when I wished her a better life.
I wonder, though, would grenades be better off if they were put into some sort of camp -- away from normal girls? I think the logistics of this would be too astronomical for me to comprehend (for instance, what about landmines?), but the possibility of a secluded area where grenades could feel free to live their lives and not bother any guy, ever just seems right to me.
I know I'm getting off-track, but brand new feelings tend to do that to me.
Speaking of feelings, Sammi had hers hurt after she found the anonymous letter written by JWoww and Snooki.
(Sidebar: I hate to say anything bad about someone as morally upstanding as Ronnie, but I think he was kind of out-of-line when he mocked Snooki's vocabulary. Sure, she might not know the word "wisely", but didn't he hear her use "sympathetic?" Does this mean nothing to him?)
The aftermath of the letter's discovery was enthralling. Deep down, I think everyone knew JWoww and Snookers wrote it, but everyone's ability to hide this knowledge was spectacular. I know this is a reality show and in no way scripted, but sometimes I wonder why these people don't win acting awards anyway. Every move they make is so damn believable. I watched JWoww type out and hide the letter and I'm still not even sure it was her because she covered it up perfectly.
Sammi is on the hunt for the author, but I can't imagine she ever finds out.
It seems now that despite everything I predicted, the picture perfect relationship of Sammi and Ronnie is over for good. I thought they might still have another chance, but then Ronnie called his Hometown Honey and I knew the end had arrived. If there's one thing this relationship has taught us, it's that when Sam and Ron break up, they stay broken up.
Now look, I'm a sucker for true love like anyone else, but I wonder if this wont end up being in the best interests of Ronnie and Ms. Sweetheart. Sure, together they could have ruled the world like Anthony and Cleopatra, but now they get to be charitable and take on a lesser mate, making that person look noble in comparison to their former self. Somewhere out there in the world, there is a man and a woman who have a chance to try and live up to the lofty expectations that Ronnie and Sammi held for each other. This contest makes the lottery seem pathetic in contrast.
Heartbreak wasn't exclusive to Ronnie and Sam, however. Snooki broke up with Emilio (after generously giving him a second chance first, of course) which led to The Fateful Burning of Emilo's Picture from Sushi Samba in the City when Snooki Paid and Everything.
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The Fateful Burning of Emilo's Picture from Sushi Samba in the City when Snooki Paid and Everything.
We didn't really get to know Emilio too well. Sure, from Snooki's description of him in the first episode as a "juiced-up gorilla," we can probably assume he's a great guy. But then had to go and make homophobic remarks and that's just something an accepting person like Snooki can't tolerate.
Look, Emilio, I understand your need to hate gay people. I'm sure the fact that some dudes like other dudes has made your life a constant, never-ending hell. I get that. But I don't need to see your homophobia. Whatever horrible, ignorant things you want to say in the privacy of your own home, that's fine. But keep it out of public so my children and my children's children don't have to witness it.
Anyway, Snooki did the right thing and burned anything that reminded her of Emilio. And now that we found out that once Emilio actually allowed a woman to pay for a meal, I come to doubt my ever trusting him as a great man in the first place. Snooki will be far better of without him.
(Does that mean she'll be far better off with me? Only time will tell.)
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As two women were moving on from their troubled relationships, Angelina couldn't move on from her awfulness. All The Situation wanted to do was have her do the dishes so he could make a nice, family meal. But instead she chose to spend her day yapping on the phone.
I wonder if she was even talking to anyone on the other end? It was edited to make it seem like she was, but I can't imagine anyone would actually want to talk to her about anything -- including her own family. I wouldn't put it past that ruffian to create a one-sided conversation in order to make herself seem more popular than she is. In fact, I have no doubt that this is the case.
You heard it here first and it's 100% official: Angelina only has one-sided phone conversations with herself!
But you can't let one bad egg make you assume that the whole carton is tainted*. And luckily for us, the seven cast members who aren't named Angelina continue to shine like beacons of hope.
*Author's Note: This egg metaphor is only that: a metaphor. In light of the recent recalls, one should be very careful about their egg consumption. If you even have an iota of a doubt about the cleanliness of your egg purchase, the safe bet is to just throw them away. Salmonella may sound like an illness that can be easily overcome, but over 30 American die every year from it.
Remember the Proper Lounge Egg Motto: Safe Eggs are Egg-cellent...and Delicious (*wink*)
(Add the wink only if you are speaking the motto out-loud.)
OVERALL GRADE: A+
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